Sexual problems

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Sexual problems

Postby Eugeni » Tue Nov 22, 2016 11:33 am

Hello again, dear friends. It's been long since I've read the last time. But today I've got another question for you, a question that you probably answered, but monitoring of the forum in english is quite a problem for me. So, be patient please. From time to time my mind finds an episode of the past and "sticks" me to it making me feel remorse, blame etc. (mostly sexual problems, for instance, watching perverted xxx videos. There're was the line I thought I would never cross but actually I did once and again. I talked to priest making confession (some kind of 5th step experience i didn't have before) but I don't feel relieve. Time and again these pictures conjure up in my mind that tells it was not enough (It was very hard to confess and even my tongue adhered to the roof of my mouth so I'am not sure he heard me) What shall I do now? Thanks for sharing in advance.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby positrac » Tue Nov 22, 2016 11:49 am

I did my 5th steps a few times and I never felt that expectation I had heard of and so I eventually figured that I was forgiven for my past actions and it was me who was punishing myself.

You aren't the only human on this plant who has issues with remorse of actions past and or present. Have you tried to forgive yourself for your past? For me it was not just one and done as I had to keep asking over and over until my mind went into another place. You can also write your feelings down and then burn them and they are gone.

Maybe someone else could express what worked for them.

I didn't underscore those points of mental reminders you mentioned as I used this point for general things.

be well and hopefully you'll find inner peace soon.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby Eugeni » Tue Nov 22, 2016 12:12 pm

positrac wrote: For me it was not just one and done.

Do you mean it is not an easy proposition?
Have I tried to forgive myself? I have. But time and again my mind tells me "not enough, it was not enough". The idea about "self-punishment" reflects what I feel. Thank you for sharing.
I appreciate your help much.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby PaigeB » Tue Nov 22, 2016 12:47 pm

Next work Steps 6 & 7. I took a good part of 5th year of sobriety delving into that. I too could not understand why my HP had not relieved me of my difficulties. If the 12 & 12 and the BB aren't giving you enough information to keep you working on this, you could try what I my sponsor had me try, a book called Drop the Rock. It is not when I think things need to be removed so I can feel better... Re-read the 3rd & 7th Step Prayers! (pgs 63 & 76 BB) They are removed when it is helpful to others!

Also, Trust that you will be helping another woman (or a man if you are male) if you speak up, in general terms. I know the BB says we can use a priest for all or part of our 5th Step. However, I have found that I needed someone who TRULY understood all of me - from the common standing of having this disease - someone who could & would call my BS - to hear my 5th. So you might consider taking this to your sponsor or another trusted woman in your circle. If not that, then maybe call your Intergroup for a female (male) volunteer to hear your story. I think you will be helping her/him more than you may realize.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby Eugeni » Tue Nov 22, 2016 1:09 pm

PaigeB wrote: if you speak up, in general terms.

Don't I need to tell in particular?
Thank you very much for sharing.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby Noels » Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:54 pm

Good morning Eugeni and thank you for sharing. Was anybody else hurt in the process by your actions?
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby positrac » Wed Nov 23, 2016 3:08 am

Eugeni wrote:
positrac wrote: For me it was not just one and done.

Do you mean it is not an easy proposition?
Have I tried to forgive myself? I have. But time and again my mind tells me "not enough, it was not enough". The idea about "self-punishment" reflects what I feel. Thank you for sharing.
I appreciate your help much.



I think I am my own worst enemy and it might be between my ears why I suffered such pain on my past before sobriety. As to not get into details I had a very hard life and some things weren't of my own doing and so I punished myself for those things thinking it was my fault.

I mentioned this once before in a post that I used to keep a thick heavy duty rubber band on my wrist and every time I started "stinking thinking" I'd pull back and let that rubber band sting me to help me forget those thoughts. I can tell you that after 3 or 4 months I learned how to channel my thoughts better as that rubber band would bring tears t my eyes over the pain.

I do not know why I treated myself with such low moral standards and all I can suggest is get other opinions/suggestions because you and I aren't unique and for that I felt relief. Time heals in times (times) and not our time and so we have to learn how to try and practice patience. :( Not my favorite past time :lol:

I hope I have helped provide some ideas if nothing else. Have a better day.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby avaneesh912 » Wed Nov 23, 2016 4:32 am

Yes, our own mind is the worst critique. Lot of meditation and forgiveness for myself. Actually the realization its the role of the mind to force into it and then comes back and ridicules you. As we progress along the books says we have entered the world of the spirit. You will realize we are not the body, not the mind but something beyond.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby Eugeni » Wed Nov 23, 2016 4:46 am

Noels wrote:Good morning Eugeni and thank you for sharing. Was anybody else hurt in the process by your actions?

Morning, Noels, no nobody. Thank you and others.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby PaigeB » Wed Nov 23, 2016 1:21 pm

Eugeni wrote:
PaigeB wrote: if you speak up, in general terms.

Don't I need to tell in particular?
Thank you very much for sharing.

DO NOT tell in particulars even at a gender specific meeting. My home group is a women's meeting. It would be a good place to find a gal that understood. If I told in general, "I used to watch sexy movies" I might see some heads nod, or finish my sharing by saying "I need someone to hear my 5th Step. Find me after the meeting, I'll be helping with the dishes." If no gender specific meeting is available, take a woman (man) aside and ask her who she can suggest to hear this portion of your 5th Step.
THEN...
DO TELL the particulars with another person of your gender one-on-one, face to face. You need perhaps a few details - bullet points if you will, that you can work out by doing a separate 4th Step inventory on your actions and fears.

You can do this. I did it and I did not die. The person hearing my details did not laugh at me or abandon me or make fun of me. The TRUTH is that I am not alone and I needed to do a 5th to prove that to myself!

Our secrets keep us sick >>>> so get BUSY!
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby Eugeni » Wed Nov 23, 2016 1:50 pm

Thanks, PagieB. Now it seems to me that I knew the answer from the beginning but hoped I wouldn't need to have this talk. It used to happen when I needed to do(?) the 5th step, I knew that, I felt that but I urged myself it was not necessarry (fear). Then, when the level of pain reached critical point I surrendered and called my trustee starting the conversation with "hello, how are you?" and feeling that I had something to tell him he replied: "let's start with what you really wanted to say". :oops: I used to. And all the pain disappeared at once. But all in all it every time it is fckn very difficult to get naked. See you.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby PaigeB » Wed Nov 23, 2016 2:07 pm

Alcoholism is cunning baffling and powerful... that is why we actually TAKE the Steps!

Keep trudging! Namaste!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby Lali » Wed Nov 23, 2016 3:02 pm

Like Paige said, you could share in general at first. You might say that when you were drinking you did some morally wrong things involving sex. My guess is that almost EVERYBODY will relate to that.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby Blue Moon » Wed Nov 23, 2016 9:06 pm

Eugeni wrote:From time to time my mind finds an episode of the past and "sticks" me to it making me feel remorse, blame etc.


That's called "resentment". When we hear the word "resentment", we normally equate it to anger. But whilst anger is the most-common trigger, it's not the same thing because resentment includes feelings of disappointment, fear, or injustice. Resentment is an emotionally-disturbing experience felt again or relived in the mind. When directed at self, we feel remorse. Often, resentment is like a magnifying-glass, the more it replays in the mind the greater the injustice or remorse appears to be.

When doing a 5th Step, we don't need to share specifics. That's not the point of a "good" 5th Step. The 4th Step is about unearthing the exact nature of our defects of character, and the 5th is about sharing that nature. For example, stealing $5 from Aunt Maude was an event; stealing money from close relatives to fund a habit is the nature of that defect.

Having done a 5th, we're not magically cured of any character-defect. They're all still there, and at certain times we inevitably resort to old patterns of behaviour. It may be a learned coping mechanism to avoid dispute. It may be an escape from boredom. It may be a relief for stress. Whatever it is, we learned it, and our psyche will resort to that pattern of action given the conditions which trigger it. IMO this is why alcoholics drink again even when they don't want to. They don't really want to drink, it's a learned response that they've not taken sufficient time and practice to overlay new conditioning. Without some sort of recovery, sooner or later the alcoholic drinking again is inevitable no matter how many meetings they attend.

So ... when thoughts or actions trouble you, sit down and write some inventory about what led to those thoughts or actions occurring. Learn the exact nature of your character defects, for which those troubling thoughts and actions are simply symptoms, not causes. Then, learn and practice new ways of handling the cause. In time, the symptoms dissipate as they become less and less of an auto-response.
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Re: Sexual problems

Postby ezdzit247 » Thu Nov 24, 2016 12:36 pm

Hi Eugeni

Many AA members are also members of other 12 Step groups which deal with specific issues other than alcohol. There are now over 100 12 Step programs that help people deal with addiction issues like over eating, gambling, drugs, neurosis, sex, etc, etc, etc. The 12 Step group that deals with sex issues is called Sex Addicts Anonymous or SAA. I can't post the link to the website in this forum but you can google the name of their program for the link to get info on both live and online meetings. This program and its fellowship can help you deal with feelings or shame, guilt and remorse in a safe anonymous environment, show you how to forgive yourself, move on and enjoy your new alcohol free lifestyle one day at a time. If you want to stop feeling the way you feel, help is just a phone call or email away.

Keep coming back.....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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