Letting go of people

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Letting go of people

Postby keksik84 » Thu Nov 03, 2016 2:36 pm

Hi, my name is Andrey and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm about 50 days sober this time. I have a sponsor, go to meetings every day, praying, reading the literature, and working the steps. As the first time, this time I finally got into rooms after my significant other left me because of my drinking and some other issues which are not related to alcohol. In both cases I left a heavy wreckage behind me on the way to the rooms. By working the program and doing 4th and 5th steps I understand that both of the women in my life were not right for me and spiritually sick, perhaps even more than me. I understand that I did choose these people to be in my life and I set the ball rolling. I also understand that I am the responsible one for destroying these sick relationships and ready to take responsibility for my actions. That being said, I've had (and having) a very hard time of letting go of these women. I was obsessed about my ex-wife when she left me about 5 years ago, and I'm, maybe even more so, obsessed about my ex-girlfriend who left me about 2 month ago. The thinking of not having her or that she is with someone else is consuming me. The feelings of self-pity, jealousy, fear, low self-esteem, resentments, end of the world, not having control over this situation, etc. are astonishingly depressing and powerful. I'm thinking about drinking every day so I don't have to feel this way. I think that obsession over this girl is stronger than obsession over alcohol right now. I think that both obsessions will lead me to drink and eventually to miserable death in one way or another. I'm able to suppress my obsession of alcohol by going to meetings, praying, calling people in my network and that way getting through the day without picking up. The obsession over the girl however is on a different level and attacks my brain/thinking different by hiding inside my character defects (or at least that's how I understand it now). I've been asking God to release my obsession of her on a daily basis but it hasn't worked yet. It has been pointed out to me that I'm not ready to give up this obsession and not praying for it sincerely. I've been praying to give me wiliness to get rid of this obsession.
I'm looking for any suggestions on how to let go, get rid of the obsession, how to forget her, focus on something else, or trust God that this separation is exactly what I need to finally get sober. Perhaps someone has a different outlook on situations like that and can help me understand it better. Anything will be helpful.

Thank you.
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby Lali » Thu Nov 03, 2016 5:14 pm

Welcome, Andrey. I really don't have any advice on how to get through these obsessions. It's been about 7 years since my divorce and I got over it by stuffing my feelings. Then one day when I found my wedding picture and had learned that he committed suicide about a year after the divorce I finally had a good cry and fortunately that helped me to get past the feelings and move on. Of course, I do NOT suggest that anyone stuff their feelings. You just really have to go through the grieving process. And as "they" say, time heals all wounds (or something like that). It sounds like you have a really good program going. However, perhaps you have not yet the psychic change that comes with working the steps. Keep doing what you are doing. Stay close to the program. Get a support system from the people in your meetings. Do you do much service? Getting really involved in service work can occupy your mind.

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice but I did want to welcome you and hope to hear more from you.

Wishing you the best,
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby Spirit Flower » Thu Nov 03, 2016 6:07 pm

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice
There is no better advice. What you advised will work. We're just sorry there is no instant relief. We must do our work.
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby PuppyEars » Thu Nov 03, 2016 6:32 pm

On page 55 of our Big Book, the words "spiritual liberation" are used near the top of the page followed by how people rose above their problems.
God makes this possible and the awesome thing about this page is it also tells us what is blocking us from rising above/letting go. What blocks us is calamity, pomp, or worship of other things. But you want a practical application, right?
One way I have found liberation from obsessing over exes, is acting as if the change has already occurred. There is a great saying floating around the rooms that says You can't think your way into better living, you have to act your way into better thinking.

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Re: Letting go of people

Postby Chelle » Thu Nov 03, 2016 8:10 pm

Hi Andrey,
I'm sorry you are having such a rough go of things lately. Letting go of love is very hard. Good job on 50 days. Keep doing what you are doing. Going to meetings and staying plugged into AA.

In the past when I have drank over hardships and lost ones, my pain was only more intense and my pit of despair reached epic proportions. In sobriety, it is not easy, but easier.

I try to pray for ones that have hurt me, I pray for them to have what I want for myself. I was told to do it even if I didn't want to. Eventually I started to forget to pray for them and I believe if I forgot that, they were no longer taking space in my head and I had let go.

Some people are not meant to be in our lives forever as much as we wish them to be. Drinking is not worth it. I believe my god puts the people in my life he wants in there, not necessarily what I want.

If find the hardest things in my life I go through are when I experience the most growth. Go easy on yourself. It will get better. Hope that helps
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby Reborn » Thu Nov 03, 2016 9:18 pm

Page 417 BB

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in attitudes.

I read this sometimes when I'm getting in that poor me mode. Remember nothing happens in God's world by mistake...keep moving forward...keep doing the next right thing and stop the deliberate manufacture of misery
A great life awaits..just let go absolutely...trust God...clean house and help others.
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby clouds » Fri Nov 04, 2016 12:20 am

Sorry to hear of your loss Andrey. As others mentioned, work with others will help during these times.
It will get better, that has been my experience. In the mean time, get to more meetings and rely on the 12 steps to get you through this.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby positrac » Fri Nov 04, 2016 2:07 am

One thing I did in early sobriety was wear wide/thick rubber band on my wrist and every time I had that stinking thinking going on I'd pull back and let that rubber band sting the crap out of me and I did that a lot to focus on other stuff.

Just remind yourself that you can't change: People, Places and or things and the rest will answer itself. I would suggest that you need to stay out of relationships for a long time and focus on you and keep it close to yourself as we drunks have fragile emotions and thin skin and we aren't unique.

Keep smiling and you'll feel better.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby Blue Moon » Fri Nov 04, 2016 1:30 pm

keksik84 wrote:I'm looking for any suggestions on how to let go, get rid of the obsession, how to forget her, focus on something else


Don't let go. Don't get rid of the obsession. Don't forget her. Don't focus on something else. Simply go do something else, and all that stuff takes care of itself. The mind can only truly focus on one thing at a time, yet doesn't like to focus on nothing at all. So the whole time you're putting your effort into "letting go" or "forgetting", what you're doing is the exact opposite.

So don't just call someone, go visit them. Don't just talk about how nice it looks outside, go out there. Don't just think about the next meeting, go turn up early and be active (making coffee, putting out chairs, greeting a newcomer, or whatever). For this is a program of action ... prayer is really just an optional-extra for those times when we truly can't take action (rather than for the times when we choose not to).
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby kdub720 » Thu Nov 10, 2016 3:18 pm

Loss is an amazing emotion.
It can take over our lives. Loss drove me to drink and kept me on for 20 years. I have dropped the bottle, but my difficulties and certain obsessions are deffinetily still there. good write. Thank you for the topic.
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby keksik84 » Sun Nov 13, 2016 4:47 am

Thank you all so much! I've been reading replies over and over again. I belive that God is speaking to me through other people. Messages and suggestions I've received here are along the lines I receive from people every day in my home group and in my prayers. I will follow the suggestions. So far following the suggestions worked and I haven't had a drink. As a result I've picked up 2 month chip couple days ago. What a miracle!!!
My obsession is not gone since my original post but now I know it can be dealt with and I have hope! Thank you all again!

Andrey
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby clouds » Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:01 am

Andrey,

Thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope about your sober living of the 12 steps and how you worked them to overcome a problem. :)
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby Noels » Tue Jan 10, 2017 8:20 am

Wow, what an amazing thread. Thank you Andrey for your honest share. Pain is pain regardless of whether its prettied up with a pink ribbon or not. And the responses was absolutely amazing. Thanks guys (and gals).

I've been asking God to release my obsession of her on a daily basis but it hasn't worked yet.

I also used to think that I will ask God and it will happen and then when it didn't happen I thought okay well, I have to remember its not in my time but God's time. Until I walked through the doors of AA and I heard a gentleman say in his share ... "remember, God is not going to do for you what you can do for yourself. Why should He? He's God. He will support you and open doors for you but you have to take the step (action) to get to that door."

Since then my attitude towards God have changed drastically and I'm grateful and ecstatic to say we walk together. When I'm fearful God walks before me. When I'm tired God carries me. When I'm hurt God comforts me. But mostly, we now walk together.

Lotsa Love and Light to you
Mwah xxx Noels
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Re: Letting go of people

Postby RosieF » Sat Jan 14, 2017 9:38 pm

I suggest a grief counsellor. I sympathise with you completely and no amount of 12 step work will help you with losing someone. AA is for alcoholism. It's ok (and will probably help your drinking) to look elsewhere for professional help with overcoming personal tragedies :)
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