Facing my Fears, rather than the "what if's".

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Facing my Fears, rather than the "what if's".

Postby Janet1855 » Tue Nov 01, 2016 9:10 am

So many times on my way into the office, after I'd sobered up...I realized, that I still had a lot to problems to face in cleaning up my life, and on the job. I would make myself walk up those stairs, and became willing to accept whatever came my way, but not without "what ifs", nameless fears, and anticipation. Each step up those stairs were some of the hardest steps I'd ever taken to my office, so I said, the "Serenity Prayer" with each step, while gripping the railing before reaching the top. Once I sat down at my desk, I vowed to myself, that I would do the best I could, and leave the rest to the God of my understanding. I realized, after a few weeks, that it wasn't as hard as I had thought it would be, now that I was sober.
Before I got sober, any problem or controversy in my life...I would procrastinate, allowed the problem to take over my head, and wallowed in the "what ifs", then I'd drink over it. Later completely filled with shame and guilt, physical sickness, and depression, which led me to drink again. What a vicious and horrible cycle! I simply was not living, just existing for another day of suicidal drinking, and painfully going to work so hung over, embarrassed, and ashamed, that I wished I were invisible, or dead. Having not solving or resolving anything in my life was always just a bitter dead end. I just felt, that I wanted to die, and it is miracle many times, that I didn't. I'd always heard, that God looks out for drunks and fools, and upon a bit of review of my life... I truly believe it.
Today, I am facing a major insurance issue involving my son's needed surgery and his health coverage, that maybe I can resolve by talking to the right people, then again maybe not. I sure hope, I can. The old ways of thinking sometimes still creep in at times like this. The what ifs, the allowing it to live rent free in my head, and the procrastination, but I know that in order for me to stay sober, that I must face my fears head on, just as I did in my early sober days with willingness and acceptance. Today, I try to live life on life's terms and it isn't always easy, but I must if I am to stay sober, and mentally healthy. Often times, it is just finding a new way of looking at things...and when I cannot think of any other way of looking at things my AA friends usually point me in the right direction. I just read today's November 1st "Daily Reflections" and the part that stuck out for me was "I cannot change the wind, but I can adjust my sail." Wow, this is so true. Me and my attitudes used to keep me stuck, but gratefully with the help of AA, and a power greater than myself...I can face almost anything.
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Re: Facing my Fears, rather than the "what if's".

Postby desypete » Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:05 pm

thanks for that post Janet you describe my head and thoughts and the ways i would cope or not cope just sit there full of the poor me and the head growing around and around trying to find a way out or whatever

i to ended up in a sitution that i could not control the outcome of namely my son got stomach cancer at the age of just 16
i was in work full time and had to give up my work to care for my son as i am also a single parent as my ex wife is still out there drinking and still had nothing to do with our children, anyway like i said i had to give up work and i ended up getting 55 pounds a week care money compared to the 600 pounds i used to make at work, which in turn caused all sorts of hardships for my other kids as we had to make ends meet to cover the costs of our stays in hospital which were every week almost we was in one hospital or another having urgent chemo for him, its a good job we have free treatments as i dont know what we would of done had we had to pay for treatments

but anyway we wasnt really concerned about the money side it was just another set back that we had to just get on with
we all hoped my son would respond to chemo and that the worse thing would of been that they would have to remove his stomach we were all convinced that it would be what the outcome would be and i was worried how my little lad would cope in life without a stomach
then after all the treatments and all the pain and suffering my lad went through in those 6 months the drs then told us there was nothing more that could be done and that sadly my baby boy was going to die

i can not describe how i felt other than i just couldnt stop crying and holding onto to my boy, but the amazing thing was i never once thought about or needed a drink, i had to accept this and try to carry on being there with my son for every moment he had left and i did

he died 3 months later at home with me in our bedroom i never left his side, i did all i could do and even today i miss that boy and i will miss him forever but like i said the amazing thing was i never once wanted or needed a drink
and really that is all aa ever told me when i first came to aa they told me that from this day on you may never need to drink again no matter what goes on in your life

sometimes life is very cruel but its just something we have to accept when it happens to us, we can either run off down tot he bar and get hammered and cry our woes into the drink or we can be strong and be there for others who might not be as strong

all i can say is when i suffering i had the rooms of aa to run to and my friends which i am so very grateful for as for my son sadly he had no one other than me to turn to not even his mum as she was drunk trying to cope with it all and he was just 16 i learned a lot from my son and how brave he met his death i also learned a lot from my ex wife in terms of how not to handle things, but i know in my heart i could never of done this on my own, without my sponsor and my aa friends i would of never stood a chance to cope

but i know its a sad tale but it does prove that this thing really does work for us if we work it of course, sitting back worrying about what might or might not be will solve nothing and cure nothing, we just at times have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other or just keep plodding on

i hope things work out ok for you and i hope you can lean on us in aa when you need us take care janet
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Re: Facing my Fears, rather than the "what if's".

Postby PaigeB » Wed Nov 02, 2016 9:38 am

Today, I try to live life on life's terms and it isn't always easy, but I must if I am to stay sober, and mentally healthy. Often times, it is just finding a new way of looking at things...and when I cannot think of any other way of looking at things my AA friends usually point me in the right direction. I just read today's November 1st "Daily Reflections" and the part that stuck out for me was "I cannot change the wind, but I can adjust my sail." Wow, this is so true. Me and my attitudes used to keep me stuck, but gratefully with the help of AA, and a power greater than myself...I can face almost anything.

Keep living in the solution Janet. And lean on AA, like Pete said.

I have heard "Your mind can only hold one thought, so make it a good one." I recently suggested to a sponsee that she learn the 3rd and 7th Step prayers by heart - that way when troubling thoughts repeatedly presented themselves she would have good thoughts to replace the negative ones. I does take practice, but keep trying. It is worth it.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Facing my Fears, rather than the "what if's".

Postby D'oh » Wed Nov 02, 2016 8:35 pm

Great Post! pg 83-86 every night, and 86-88 every morning helped me a lot. Starting with "Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead" As I was doing the reading, I began to realize the rewards/promises were becoming apart of my life, without even looking for them.
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Re: Facing my Fears, rather than the "what if's".

Postby positrac » Fri Nov 04, 2016 2:19 am

I ponder deeply at times of trying to surgically figure out the old chicken and egg theory. Are my thoughts of what if, procrastination and stuff like that strictly a alcoholic thing; or is it bred into me from my parents and history of mankind? Some people are so efficient and never seem to have issues doing what is necessary and others such as me I have to push myself to not slack. I do get things accomplished and I do the necessary points and yet I still find myself at times with certain things very push back on. So I still conclude that I am my own worst enemy if I allow that and that no one to date has sprung up to handle my affairs and so I gotta.

In the end I figure I am wasting my mental efforts on non sense and these events happen when I am out on the road mindlessly going to point A to B. Once I mow through whatever it is I normally find it is far less of an issue than I made it out to be.
Thanks for the post and keep coming back it'll get better is all I know. :D
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Re: Facing my Fears, rather than the "what if's".

Postby Noels » Wed Dec 28, 2016 5:56 am

Thanks for your share Pete. I admire any parent who manages to continue with life after having lost a child. The fact that you stayed sober throughout and still is is mind blowing as that is one thing that will be too big for me to bear.
I pray the coming year bring you and your other children a little bit of an easier life .
You are an inspiration.
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Noels xxx
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