A friends relapse

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A friends relapse

Postby rkoenen » Fri Oct 07, 2016 7:47 pm

My friend has relapsed and I feel terrible and love her and want to help. She says she can drink occasionally now with no problems. So my question is, does AA have anything to say about how I can deal with this? Should I not talk to her anymore? Am I supposed to push her to go back to AA or should I step back and let her do what she is going to do? I don't know what to do. Please help. Thanks.
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Oct 08, 2016 4:53 am

So my question is, does AA have anything to say about how I can deal with this? Should I not talk to her anymore? Am I supposed to push her to go back to AA or should I step back and let her do what she is going to do? I don't know what to do. Please help. Thanks.


No No No....Let her find her way back. There is nothing we can do. We can only tell, we can't tell much. Thats how the Alcoholic reacts.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby PuppyEars » Sat Oct 08, 2016 6:59 am

does AA have anything to say about how I can deal with this?

Keep the doors open in case your friend ever does need us. Know why AA is called "the last house on the block"? Because that is exactly where it is supposed to be.
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby rkoenen » Sat Oct 08, 2016 9:03 am

Thank you for your thoughts! Should be hanging out with her just like we did when she was in recovery?
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby PuppyEars » Sat Oct 08, 2016 9:37 am

I can't tell you what to do. I can only share my experience. Which is when everything changes, change everything. Not only did I personally have to surrender my life and will, I had to change every person, place and thing. And that included not hanging with friends that were still getting loaded.

But maybe someone else here has experience with hanging around drinkers in sobriety.
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby Reborn » Sat Oct 08, 2016 9:56 am

The only reason not hang around her anymore is if it is effecting your own sobriety. Not sure how long you have been sober or if you have completed the actions in the 12 steps...but I have several friends that still drink and it doesn't bother me at all...its their life and I can't project my problems with alcohol on anyone. That being said I always leave myself an out...if things get squirly I get the hell out of there. As far as leading someone back to AA...remember that you can't "fix" anyone...you can only be there if they reach out for help. I have experienced this exact same thing a few times... a couple of guys have made it back and some are still out there. You will learn as move forward in your recovery that you can only help the willing...you can be a friend...but you cannot fix anyone.
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Oct 08, 2016 10:38 am

Thank you for your thoughts! Should be hanging out with her just like we did when she was in recovery?


From your posts, I assume you are not in recovery but just being a loving person wanting to help your friend. You can go to Al-Anon and try to understand this disease of Alcoholism. There you will meet friends and families of alcoholics. They could share some of the ideas on how they are dealing with active alcoholics. Our book has a chapter "To the Wives" you could substitute for wifes with Friend and read the chapter. Bill W has clear cut direction on how to deal with different categories of drunk.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby D'oh » Sat Oct 08, 2016 1:26 pm

"Our behaviour will convince them more than our words"

It is very humbling to see your concern. I have been in her shoes. A couple of drinks here and there. It turned into Daily, Morning, Noon, and Night. I am not sure if Anyone's words would have shown me anything, then it turned to "I don't care What Happens, I need to drink"

Just keep Yourself in tune, Show her there is a Better Way, to live, and show her How.

Good Luck. It might take Hitting another Bottom, but Your Strength in Living, might make things a lot better.
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby rkoenen » Sat Oct 08, 2016 1:47 pm

Reborn wrote:The only reason not hang around her anymore is if it is effecting your own sobriety. Not sure how long you have been sober or if you have completed the actions in the 12 steps...but I have several friends that still drink and it doesn't bother me at all...its their life and I can't project my problems with alcohol on anyone. That being said I always leave myself an out...if things get squirly I get the hell out of there. As far as leading someone back to AA...remember that you can't "fix" anyone...you can only be there if they reach out for help. I have experienced this exact same thing a few times... a couple of guys have made it back and some are still out there. You will learn as move forward in your recovery that you can only help the willing...you can be a friend...but you cannot fix anyone.


Thank you, this really helped me. I have completed the steps just recently. Thank you thank you
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby Janet1855 » Sun Oct 09, 2016 11:44 am

I have been in the same situation, more than a few times. And I also have been a relapser. And it is situations like this (having a friend relapse,) that I often have to turn to my fellow AA's, or to some of the tools I have learned through the program, because it is too easy for me to lose my way, when it comes to people I care about. I would tell your friend, that you are concerned about her (worry and preaching does you no good) and tell her that she knows where to go for help...and that you will be there, if that happens and let her go. Recently I have known of several people dying from alcoholism and drug abuse (it is an epidemic where I live...meth, pain pills, and the needle) and they were all young...I'm tired of funerals! It has made me feel so unworthy...i.e. Why not me? What has made me so special to live? This has concerned me and worried me so much, that it almost had become a threat to my own serenity and possible relapse. I was told at my home group..."Just take care of yourself" and to a point I agreed, but but but Isn't that awfully selfish, I thought? Then I remembered, how I had once been told, that this is a selfish program...hmmm...for success that is. Then I thought, well having compassion for others is a gift, and that I cannot help. Then as I discussed these concerns a few more times with others in the program, I recalled how co- dependent I have been with spouses and friends over my lifetime...and just like my mother was...always to the point of outright ridiculousness. Hmmm, then while I was reading various posts on here... someone stated that one of their downfalls was "Compassion without Wisdom." And WOW, is that ever me! BTW, thank you so much to whoever posted that one, because it is absolutely true for me. So now, I just voice my concerns to others still out there, and tell them what works for me, and move on and say a prayer for them (just as I watched my alcoholic & drug addicted neighbors electric get cut off yesterday) and just as the Serenity prayer states..."wisdom to know the difference" as in things I can and cannot change. Today, I can only live by example.
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby Roberth » Tue Oct 18, 2016 11:28 am

The 11 tradition pretty much says it all.
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion
I have learned the if alcohol hasn’t convinced a person to stop I'm pretty sure I'm not going to able to. I can only be the best example of sobriety that I can be.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in pretty, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW What a ride!!!!
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby positrac » Wed Oct 19, 2016 3:18 am

Roberth wrote:The 11 tradition pretty much says it all.
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion
I have learned the if alcohol hasn’t convinced a person to stop I'm pretty sure I'm not going to able to. I can only be the best example of sobriety that I can be.

I chuckled over attraction rather than promotion as I have no power and or control over anything and much less over another soul suffering with addiction. I've seen a few people go back out and never return and it is hearth breaking and yet they died to allow me and us in the rooms to continue on. Might be harsh but this is a harsh world and no one gets out alive no matter what I want to think, as I will eventually expire. My goals is to remain sober until the end I all my legacy has to offer.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby positrac » Wed Oct 19, 2016 3:19 am

positrac wrote:
Roberth wrote:The 11 tradition pretty much says it all.
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion
I have learned the if alcohol hasn’t convinced a person to stop I'm pretty sure I'm not going to able to. I can only be the best example of sobriety that I can be.

I chuckled over attraction rather than promotion as I have no power and or control over anything and much less over another soul suffering with addiction. I've seen a few people go back out and never return and it is heart breaking and yet they died to allow me and us in the rooms to continue on. Might be harsh but this is a harsh world and no one gets out alive no matter what I want to think, as I will eventually expire. My goals is to remain sober until the end is all my legacy has to offer.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: A friends relapse

Postby kdub720 » Thu Nov 10, 2016 3:04 pm

You all have great advice always.
Being overly active in pushing sobriety on an alcoholics causes them/me to take action to drink and escape.
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