4th step moral inventory

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4th step moral inventory

Postby Eugeni » Fri Sep 23, 2016 3:26 pm

Hello, friends! I am not sure what of the section of the forum to choose for the topic, but hope it is not a big problem to write here. (If it is, please, relocate my topic wherever it must be posted.) I have got a question on the moral inventory described in the big book 4th step. If somebody has some free time to explain me some aspects of it (I will tell you what exactly I misunderstand :wink: ), please write me pm here. P.S. English is not my mothertongue, so I would be very grateful if you wrote me as simple as possible :shock: Thank you in advance.
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby Lali » Sat Sep 24, 2016 9:33 am

Hi, Eugeni and welcome! I'm not sure if I can answer your questions but I dont believe I have seen you before on these forums so I wanted to welcome you. Do you have specific questions you want to ask? There are lots of good folks here with good ES&H. I see you haven't gotten any responses yet unless by PM so I wanted to let you know that these boards tend to be real quiet on weekends, but it picks up when Monday rolls around.

PS Your post will likely be moved from Discussions to The 12 Steps.

(Edited to change "Big Book Study" to "The 12 Steps". I'm sorry for the error.
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby Eugeni » Sun Sep 25, 2016 1:21 pm

Lali wrote:Hi, Eugeni and welcome! I'm not sure if I can answer your questions but I dont believe I have seen you before on these forums so I wanted to welcome you. Do you have specific questions you want to ask? There are lots of good folks here with good ES&H. I see you haven't gotten any responses yet unless by PM so I wanted to let you know that these boards tend to be real quiet on weekends, but it picks up when Monday rolls around.

PS Your post will likely be moved from Discussions to The 12 Steps.

(Edited to change "Big Book Study" to "The 12 Steps". I'm sorry for the error.

Thank you. Yeah, I have got some specific questions on the matter. I have studied the guideline for the inventory but still misunderstand some poitns. (Probably because of the russian translation of BB). For instance: a year ago i fell in love with a girl, after some dates she said "I am not in love with you. Sorry." - :x
I understand that you can led the horse to the water but you can't make it drink (right?). I feel (seems to me) no resentment at her but I literally can't put her out of my stupid head, telling me she was the one the God had made for you. Mentally, I understand this is wrong however in my heart I can not accept the truth. What should I do (except creating stupid topics on the forum, :) )? How to make an inventory? Another question is of the same kind, please sorry. A woman, a member of my group annoys me by sexual innuendos (hope it is the right word) and i misudnerstand 4 key points: where I am dishonest, What am I afraid of, where am I selfish and self-seeking.
P.S. I'm sorry for discussing such a delicate theme here. Probably it would be better to do this in private messages. Sorry for so many letters - we, belarussians, are very talkative.
Sober today.
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby Brock » Sun Sep 25, 2016 3:02 pm

There is nothing wrong with asking these questions here, and others have done it in the past, your English writing is very good as well.

The things with ladies we were in love with that didn't work out, is something I believe happens to most men, (and ladies who loved men), I don't believe we ever forget them but the hurt goes away. If you have no resentment towards her as you say, then I don't believe she needs to be on the list, but if you feel any at all it's best to be safe.

The lady in the meetings and the sexual innuendo, (very good word by the way), there are things in AA meetings we put up with, and they actually help teach us patience and tolerance towards others, but if you mean she is coming on to you and you don't like it, you can just tell her so.

The key points you mention, especially where you say selfish and self-seeking, what the book says is we put out of our mind the wrong others had done and look for our own mistakes. So this may include where we were selfish, but it may also be some other fault on our part. This will help with resentments over what others did us which is the main enemy of alcoholics, sometimes it's hard to see where we were at fault. For example I was in a small business with my longtime friend, he was best at figures and ran the office and accounts, I was the engineer and ran the crew in the field, he ended up padding the accounts and stealing a lot of money. The only way I could help get over the big resentment I had was to admit to myself and write it down, that I was too trusting and lazy for not checking the accounts from time to time. This had happened before my drinking got really out of hand, and I couldn't see where I might be at fault for not trusting my good friend, but I found that just finding any part we play helps us greatly, even if it seems small at first.

Others may offer more advise on this, but please press on with this step 4 & the 5, this is the point at which many of us felt a great relief and saw some of the promises coming true, best of luck to you.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:33 pm

Mentally, I understand this is wrong however in my heart I can not accept the truth.


The resentment in this case is you are carrying the memory traces or rather your mind is clinging to the past. That is the beast, most of us do that. When I read the book A new Earth (i use it here because its very appropriate):

Carrying the Past:

The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have
ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side. The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. “Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to do things like that.”

“I put the girl down hours ago,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”

Now imagine what life would be like for someone who lived like Ekido all the time, unable or unwilling to let go internally of situations, accumulating more and more stuff inside, and you get a sense of what life is like for the majority of people on our planet. What a heavy burden of past they carry around with them in their minds. (in your case the old girl friend)
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby D'oh » Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:43 pm

Hi Eugeni

Great to have you onboard (joke but a bad one)

I struggled with my first 4th step also, when it came to Resentments. I would begin to wonder "Why" I had a resentment towards another person. When looking back they never really did anything wrong. I was told by my Sponsor, if it is in my head, "Get it down on paper" it will get sorted out. The wrong doing of others, fancied or real. Or where I was selfish, dishonest, self seeking or afraid.
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby Eugeni » Mon Sep 26, 2016 1:21 am

Brock wrote:Others may offer more advise on this, but please press on with this step 4 & the 5, this is the point at which many of us felt a great relief and saw some of the promises coming true, best of luck to you.

Thank you for detailed explanation. I appreciate your help. Now I'm going to follow this instructions. See you later :wink:

D'oh wrote:Great to have you onboard (joke but a bad one)

Quite a good joke I think. Thank you too :)

avaneesh912 wrote:“Are you still carrying her?”

Thank you so much. Sometimes I know the answer but need somebody to tell me that. Seems I read this story some time ago.

Wish everybody goodluck and see you!
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby beginningagain7 » Mon Sep 26, 2016 9:12 am

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence---these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.

After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we maintain our sobriety. There will those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact to all.

Twelve and Twelve, Step Nine, pg. 83, with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc..

If I read your post correctly which I believe I did. The part of this reading I would say: "There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred," The issue is more of a emotional issue than dealing with a resentment. It is hard dealing when a relationship is stopped or when someone would like to have a relationship with someone and that person says they do not want one. It is a emotional reaction that can affect our sobriety.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation---some fact of my life ----unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms. I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Acceptance Was The Answer, pg. 417

For me acceptance has been the key to my sobriety and I believe it can be the key for you handling the situation that you are in. Just accept the situation as it is, not hard but can be done over time. With emotional issues it takes time to heal the hurt that we received. So be patient this to will pass.
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby Eugeni » Mon Sep 26, 2016 10:47 am

beginningagain7 wrote:" So be patient this to will pass.

Today it was easier to be patient. Thank you for you response.
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby Tosh » Tue Sep 27, 2016 2:54 pm

Step 4s are confusing. I found my sponsor was a great help to me with mine. He had even kept his as a 'training aid'; he did a mini Step 5 with me, sharing some of HIS 'worst in stock' too, which showed me what a Step 5 looked like, at the same time as showing me what a Step 4 looked like.

My suggestion is to get yourself a sponsor who has been through the process, who is able to guide you through yours, and as an added benefit you could do your Step 5 with them, which makes it really easy to get Step 9 advice and suggestions too (since your sponsor will have already heard your Step 5 and know the ins-and-outs of each situation).

Regards

Tosh
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby kdub720 » Thu Sep 29, 2016 9:14 am

I think it is hard to think about this. It is always difficult to reflect on who I have hurt over the years. Then doing it with a special emphasis on the negative impact of drinking on others. I thought for a long time that my drinking only affected me. It took a while before I realized that my drinking affected so many people and things that I did not think about. The moral inventory helps me to see what I truly need to focus on. Good post.
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Re: 4th step moral inventory

Postby KathyAnne » Fri Sep 30, 2016 10:34 pm

Hi Eugeni, Just a thought; you say your obsessing about the girl, I find obsessing is part of my alcoholism it's got a lot better the longer I'm sober but I find I can obsess about things that don't even matter to me. The only way for me to get it to stop at times is to share about it or speak to my sponser, our secrets keep us sick as they say, soon as I open up or write about it, it goes. This is a program of action and it works if we work it,
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