Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

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Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby Caruh7 » Tue Sep 20, 2016 12:14 am

As far as I can remember I have been afraid of men (I'm a woman). I never understood why I had so much fear as opposed to my friends. For a long time I beat myself up because my friends dated and all that business. Let's fast forward through high school where it's definitely the norm to do so. For me it was scary. Not just scary, terrifying. Spiders, snakes and heights can "scare" me but the definition of fear for me is a man I crush on (full flight or fight reactions... where your brain goes dumb. Not in a happy way, but scary. You can't think and you are in full panic mode).. I've gotten adrenaline rushes from passing cars on a highway and cutting it close, but nothing amounts to the fear I get around a crush., and not even a crush, but a friend . It's like life or death. I always run. Flight or fight,.. It's irrational to pysically fight. Not even a question. This had been something I've struggled with for my whole life. I've felt alone for most my time until I discovered alcohol. I can love who I am and be who I am drunk. And sober I still love who I am. I am caring, accepting and all the sorts. But then when I'm sober I don't want a relationship. I feel scared. I can't even hand out with guy friends. I've even thought I was a lesbian even though all my crushes are on men. Idk if it's cause I'm comfortable with just women or if it's cause idk how to be around guys. Idk why I can't tho. I never had a devastating thing happen. Either way if someone relates to this and can help me I will feel so grateful. I have discovered my alcohol people but the brought of it all stemmed from these issues. I feel like I need these people in my life to relate to. Thank you.
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Re: Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby PaigeB » Tue Sep 20, 2016 7:42 am

I wouldn't worry about men for quite a while. Just do the program and life will happen. You will learn and practice the principles of this program and begin to feel comfortable in your own skin. AFTER working the 12 Steps, with a sponsor of your own gender, you may find that your fears have subsided a bit. Or that you are okay without a man in your life either way.

Are there any women's meetings near you? I can help you find them if you are unsure. I know for sure that e-aa has a women's email meeting. And there is a women's email meeting called G.R.O.W. too. Maybe having a women's meeting online will be a great addition to your recovery!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Sep 20, 2016 1:25 pm

It could be past conditioning, could be you saw someone being abused. You may want to seek outside help, there are some healers who could help you with those emotional scars.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby Brock » Tue Sep 20, 2016 2:48 pm

The twelve step program of AA is a marvelous thing for anyone to do, it helps in many ways besides just stopping drinking, and the only requirement is a desire to stop.

It seems from what you wrote that your problem only comes up when male relationships are involved, and drink is used for a sort of 'dutch courage,' and when sober you are fine (“still love who I am. I am caring, accepting and all the sorts.”) Alcoholics of the sort that this program appeals to have usually lost the power of choice in drink, and when sober we feel what our literature describes as “restless and discontent.” This link is to a twelve section questionnaire, it is suggested as a guide to help people decide the seriousness of their problem.

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

Of course the final answer is up to you, if you want it any meeting would welcome you, and best of luck.
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Re: Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby kittyr » Tue Sep 20, 2016 4:36 pm

I'm extremely socially anxious sober (although less gender-specific) but it's gotten better with time - slower than I'd like but better nonetheless.

Don't worry too much about a relationship, it sounds a little soon.

I can't read from your post whether your fear is only around extreme crush shyness feelings, or if you are genuinely scared of men.

If it is the former: not even wanting to hang out with guy friends sounds hard. And may be related to the nervousness around dating men. If you can't relax with your guy buddies, then harder to meet men in general. If men seem not just a little different, but an entirely different species, then they are scary. Maybe you've constructed them as very different. But they're just people. They are just regular people with hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities, just like you! I'm bi and I've dated men and women, they really are just all people. Similarities far greater than our differences.
Maybe try to hang out in mixed groups (where you crush no one) and it could get easier? Make some nice guy friends with no mutual attraction? How about your gay male friends? Can you hang out with them more?

If it is the latter problem: I also understand this one. Due to trauma issues, I'm still not great with strange men, and it is not rational. If it is this one, what avaneesh said, it could be a really good idea to talk to someone professional.

xx
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Re: Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby Roberth » Thu Sep 22, 2016 8:39 am

Hello Caruh7 and welcome to E-AA. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. I have work with guys who are Bi-Polar. I tell them let deal with the alcohol and see what other issue they have left. Then I let the professionals handle what’s left. You might be surprised what comes out during an inventory
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Re: Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby kdub720 » Thu Sep 22, 2016 8:46 pm

I like That statement about taking the drink away and see how minimal the rest of the problems though. I fear women and used to think drinking took that anxiety away, but it never really works. And now know I cant fear and certainly not use the booze to lessen my fear. Good post
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Re: Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby Caruh7 » Thu Sep 22, 2016 11:22 pm

I don't think I explained enough. I have been out of high school on to my 5th year now. I have gained the confidence I didn't have when I was younger and love who I am. I have visited many places and gone to school elsewhere making new friends. I moved back to a place I know. Either way no matter my ups, loss, confidence, alcohol or no alcohol this is a fear I have delt with forever. Same with my twin. Everyone here is telling me how it isn't a time for a relationship. For me with alcohol or not it won't change me. The fear exists strongly. I think it's more connected to social anxiety and being put on the spot. Since society has told men and women to be together that's probably where it stems from. The fact that it was since I was so young I'm not sure. Either way i am focusing on creating the life I want for myself. It's the future I'm worried about. I don't think I'll ever be ready to concour the fear. Even when I do feel "ready" I mess it up. I know this doesn't exactly have to do with alcohol, but with my meetings I know alcoholism is a lot based on fear. And this is mine. Since I've had a hard time with it I would like to know if anyone or know someone who deals with it. Or anyone who can help. Thanks!
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Re: Social anxiety? Dating? Alcohol.

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Sep 23, 2016 3:40 am

I would like to know if anyone or know someone who deals with it.


All fear is about losing something. Most of the time its the image you project yourself to be and you want others to respect that. I go through that once in a while. Then it was a constant thing. That is why we have the whole 12 steps. We first take a deep cleansing and then you keep cleaning it. You gave it to your higher power. He/She got it. But our mind keeps memory traces alive. Once you are awakened, you tap into your higher power and keep giving back (the fear) to that power. Have it handle it.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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