After some searching:

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After some searching:

Postby PuppyEars » Thu Aug 04, 2016 5:46 pm

I got my opinion and judgemental nature back. Or I should say my ego grew back.

I am headed towards a second surrender. I say second because the first surrender that relieved the obsession was beat into me by the bottle. There was no choice BUT to surrender. I never willfully made a surrender to life on life's terms. The little things in life are dominating me.
I pick you (the world) apart in my head in an attempt to level the playing field because I secretly feel less-then and bad about myself.

Suddenly those cheap one liner slogans look like they came from a lot more experience than I ever gave them credit for.
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Re: After some searching:

Postby serendipity » Fri Aug 05, 2016 9:07 am

I am praying for you, PuppyEars.

It's an ongoing journey. Lifelong, for me. I hope you are finding the love and support you need in AA F2F meetings and/or online venues. It's always a big deal when we an recognize our own defects. It's the first step to correcting them. Thinking of you and wishing you well on this wild ride of recovery :)
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Re: After some searching:

Postby Larryp713 » Fri Aug 05, 2016 9:18 am

Great post, PE, and good luck. We had a great meeting yesterday where we talked about the pamphlet "Is AA for You?" There is twelve questions for people to answer that helps them identify if they have an alcohol problem and could find help in AA. But a couple people who had significant sobriety said they get a lot more out of those questions now when they replace drinking with thinking.
I know my thinker is broken, and that makes all my past actions understandable. I drank way after it was completely stupid to do so. I have had that removed by God's grace, but that same thinker still drives my thoughts and actions unless I turn to the same higher power with all my other thoughts. When my I feel restless, irritable, and discontent today, it isn't hard for me to realize that I am trying to drive the bus. I need to get back on my knees and trying to help others, escape the prison of my poisoned mind.
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Re: After some searching:

Postby Brock » Fri Aug 05, 2016 11:33 am

I got my opinion and judgemental nature back. Or I should say my ego grew back.

All of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires...the all deflate our egos. 12 & 12 P. 55. I believe we certainly will never be rid of ego or being judgmental, but with practice of the AA way of life over time they will be reduced. Spotting when they rear up as you have done to me is the key, we ask that they be removed, and over time they will pop up less and less, that's part of my way of judging if I am on the right track.

Even writing here the ego wants to say certain things, and I must check my motive and delete, but sometimes I let it get away with things I shouldn't. I like this in the book - “More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.” And the more I can just be a decent polite average Joe, and otherwise not give a fart what others think about me, the happier I am, and happiness is what AA is about.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: After some searching:

Postby PuppyEars » Thu Aug 11, 2016 6:44 pm

Thanks for the responses.

Picture the unpredictability of the disc that contestants drop on the Plinko board from The Price is Right. Whenever I let go, that is what happens to my mental state. Trying to restore order out of chaos is not an overnight matter for my type and my guess is underneath all this crap I'm typing is a big stinking pile of impatience.
It is a defect that is jabbing my behind.
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Re: After some searching:

Postby D'oh » Thu Aug 11, 2016 7:19 pm

Picture the unpredictability of the disc that contestants drop on the Plinko board from The Price is Right. Whenever I let go, that is what happens to my mental state.


I can see where you are coming from. But the $10000 slot on the bottom may not always be the correct slot to land in. In Our mind it is the only slot but maybe the $5 slot has more meaning to God's path for us.

I mean it is still $5 more than we had, and we are on National TV, sober and serene. The anticipation of where it will land is more fulfilling than the end sometimes especially when we focus on the end rather than the journey.
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Re: After some searching:

Postby positrac » Fri Aug 12, 2016 2:34 am

PuppyEars wrote:I got my opinion and judgemental nature back. Or I should say my ego grew back.

I am headed towards a second surrender. I say second because the first surrender that relieved the obsession was beat into me by the bottle. There was no choice BUT to surrender. I never willfully made a surrender to life on life's terms. The little things in life are dominating me.
I pick you (the world) apart in my head in an attempt to level the playing field because I secretly feel less-then and bad about myself.

Suddenly those cheap one liner slogans look like they came from a lot more experience than I ever gave them credit for.


I guess you could try getting out of your way and see what happens. :D

I've been on that street you are talking about and it is one hard way to travel. it does get better and better and those bad times we have aren't so overwhelmingly large to handle.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: After some searching:

Postby PaigeB » Fri Aug 12, 2016 10:26 am

Trying to restore order out of chaos is not an overnight matter for my type and my guess is underneath all this crap I'm typing is a big stinking pile of impatience.

Me too. I am going through some stuff where I don't KNOW where to surrender and where to do more work. But the truth is that I want to feel better NOW and I think that if I could just fix IT... sigh. I am impatient and I am full of fear. I just want this part of my life fixed for good and for all and let me go on and be happy already.

So I pray that I will see the opportunities to be of service AND I actively try to think out where I can be of service. It is a mixed bag, I know. I never know what I am going to get or get done.

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Re: After some searching:

Postby PuppyEars » Fri Aug 12, 2016 11:36 am

I just want this part of my life fixed for good and for all and let me go on and be happy already.

I get so dumbfounded at times too. Especially when it comes to an ex that is hell bent on punishing me for the rest of my life. All of the children are not 18 yet, can't cut the ex (cough bimbo) completely out yet. I swear it's like my head keeps turning to look at her shortcomings, but Principles keep fixing my face to look straight ahead. Just picture that funny image 24/7....my neck hurts. It's hard man. Just derailed my own topic, awesome.
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Re: After some searching:

Postby Duke » Fri Aug 12, 2016 12:15 pm

Such a great example to share this with us. Thanks so much.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: After some searching:

Postby kellye » Mon Aug 15, 2016 7:00 am

"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
That's just about the best thing I've read in a very long time. Thank you for sharing that.

I am too sensitive to the judgments of others. On one hand, I reason that they don't know me well enough to make any assessment of value - few people do. On the other, I reason that there must be something that others see worth assessing. And, by the way, that applies to judgements both good and ill, deserved and undeserved. I am a rock, and I am impenetrable. It is my defense.
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Re: After some searching:

Postby Duke » Mon Aug 15, 2016 7:41 pm

Welcome kellye. I think the hardest thing this program has suggested I do is take personal responsibility for ALL my disturbances, no matter the cause, and to deal with them on a spiritual basis, not judgment and blame. And yet, true freedom from my fears doesn't come until I willingly give up my cherished victim status and turn it over to my higher power. I need a lot of reminders.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: After some searching:

Postby Roberth » Tue Aug 16, 2016 11:04 am

Hello PuppyEars and welcome to E-AA. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. Surrender is a funny thing...if you anything like me you might as well get use to it...I do it almost daily and the days I don't things seem to go a bit astray
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Re: After some searching:

Postby PuppyEars » Tue Aug 16, 2016 1:17 pm

Thanks Robert. A big chunk of what I said so far is missing an important detail that I should of shared.
Being married to someone who doesn't have to live by our principles (normie) has its challenges. I think I see her getting away with twisting an arm back when someone wrongs her and she feels much better afterwards. There's really no consequences for her. Whereas you know for us, our literature states it perfectly with "one unkind tirade can ruin relations for a week, month even years. I am not able to just get upset - I have to take things to a pathetic level as if I take pride in being a bigger scumbag than you LOL. I'm that guy that gets in trouble for not giving a crap but someone right next to me can get away with it - jealousy - though I won't admit it.

That part in the book where it talks about watching others take a drink with impunity? My experience so far is just replacing the word drink with any character defect you can think of. How the hell do you not give a crap?
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Re: After some searching:

Postby Tosh » Wed Aug 17, 2016 6:06 am

PuppyEars wrote:I got my opinion and judgemental nature back. Or I should say my ego grew back.


Me too. I'm finding myself getting really narky with bad drivers and the occasional customer (or potential customer) of mine who I think is an 'idiot'. I was really quite rude to a stranger yesterday (he was an asshole to be fair :lol: (and I was hot and tired)).

Or maybe I've always been like this and now the path has just narrowed and I'm more aware of it?

With alcoholics (drinking or sober), family and friends I'm mostly like what I think I should be (a decent human being); it's just strangers who have the power over me to create annoyance. In a sense I understand that I'm allowing strangers to have power over me; I'm letting them control my levels of happiness. That's not good. At seven years sober I expect to be more of a spiritual giant than I currently am. :lol:

I think I'm mostly doing what I should be doing, but maybe not in the right amounts?

What I normally do in situations like this is muddle along, but I'll try some prayer and meditation to see if any answers crop up.

I'll still probably end up going down the 'muddling along' route though.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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