Starting Over Again...

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Starting Over Again...

Postby leemcsealy » Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:37 am

Hello. Well I am at a point where I feel that if I am not going to seek recovery, my life will certainly be destroyed. I attended my first meeting since 2014, and hoping this will be a decision that will last. The reason of my decision is that while my addiction initially was alcohol, I had become a regular drug user. I would only drink and use during the weekend, which of course is still too much, but drinking soon became associated with other drugs. I couldn't have a second drink without wanting a bump, and if I didn't get that... I couldn't stop drinking. This weekend I went on a meth bender. It started with a few drinks, and I convinced myself a few hits with a friend wouldn't hurt. I look back at my actions, who I became, and saw I was building associations beyond my control. I made a decision to act immediately. Its been a few days, the guilt still stays, and I am not sure if I am terrified or still coming down. All I know is that after one or two drinks, I can convince myself of anything... So reality now sinks in. Right now a lot of thought will be thinking about my future, but most importantly I need to take things a day at a time. I see what my potential is, and while I had maintained weekend warrior status (of course, leading to embarrassing and harmful behavior), this is my wake up call. I am reaching out as much as possible to remind myself that this is an important step. The dust will settle at some point, and there will be plenty of times I will be bored. That's when the true struggle begins.
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby Spirit Flower » Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:52 am

Welcome

The main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind: why do we take that first drink?
The steps are for this problem.
...a score card reading zero...
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby Brock » Wed Aug 03, 2016 8:22 am

The dust will settle at some point, and there will be plenty of times I will be bored. That's when the true struggle begins.

Welcome here, nobody will dispute that at first it may be a struggle, but what saved me was finally believing that the recovered people in the room weren’t lying when they said the steps end the struggle. And there is no reason to delay doing them, they are much easier in practice than they look on paper, what Spirit said is true, we have no defense against that first drink without them.

Please ask any questions and keep us informed of your progress.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby Mike O » Wed Aug 03, 2016 10:17 am

It started with a few drinks...


Well done on making this decision.
I know little of drug addiction but, in your case it appears obvious that the first drink set off a chain of events.
Read the book. Do the steps. Go to meetings but don't only go to meetings. The steps do work, just going to meetings doesn't appear to.

Welcome to the group, by the way :)
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby kdub720 » Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:22 am

Nice post,
I recognize this, if I drink a few and it turns into what I call "consumer mode." Does not matter whats around, I want it, food, cigarettes, booze, other drugs I would never consider sober. The steps work, yet for my it is the personal victories of every 24 that keep me going. Thinking will I live another 24? And if I am blessed with that? Am I going to choose to live it under the influence? When I choose sobriety, at the end of the day I can reflect on the victories and accomplishments of the day. Even if it is just going to mcdonalds because I was not drunk. Recognizing the small victories and affirming my self worth through these tiny victories keeps me trucking to see whats next. Keep going. The more time you get the more opportunities you get. Great post.
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby ezdzit247 » Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:47 am

Hi Lee and welcome back.

Glad you decided to put the plug back in the jug and reach out for help from others in recovery.

It sounds like you've discovered some really important insights about how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease can be and how easily it can lead us back to picking up that first drink again. I identify. I struggled with trying to stay sober for almost two years after my first AA meeting. Went 18 rounds and lost every round... :lol: I had to learn the hard way what that first Step was all about and why I had to work it every day, one day at a time. When I finally crawled back to AA, I discovered AA's 24 hour plan and started using it to stay away from that first drink. AA's simple program of recovery got even simpler for me. There's a pamphlet entitled "This is AA - An introduction to the AA recovery program". Most AA meetings have this pamphlet on their literature shelf or you can read it online by clicking on this link:

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-1_thisisaa1.pdf.

AA's founders advised that one of the best ways to deal with boredom--every alcoholic's enemy--is to find another suffering alcoholic to work with. Reach out to the new guy in the room. That always worked for me. Got me out of myself and I forgot about my boredom. Glad you're back, Lee.

Keep coming back....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby Feeya » Wed Aug 03, 2016 12:04 pm

Hey Lee!
I found myself in your story, I too started doing drugs in addition to my alcohol consume or whenever I could not drink.
I realised at one point, that I was going to end up dead if I did not do something and that is how I ended up in AA.
I go to a lot of different meetings, hear different people talk.
I got a sponsor early on and started working the steps.
Whenever I am bored I make a phone call. Sometimes talking to another AA member or my sponsor for just a few minutes helps me move on and find something else to do.
I also walk a lot, startet doing sports, spend a lot of free tines at meetings and meetings after meetings... find a hobby, something you enjoy.
Get to know yourself sober and see what you like to do. I find that now that I am sober I find so many new things that I enjoy (e.g. painting, writing)...
One day at a time.
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby positrac » Thu Aug 04, 2016 2:29 am

Being active in the program(s) and admitting you are powerless over alcohol and "other" addictions is a key to new life. H-Hungry A-Angry L-Lonely T-Tired (HALT) if you get into any of these situations then you risk using and so be honest and do your end up front as to learn how to live beyond these bad habits.

Bottom line is drinking and drugging in your case aren't compatible in anyway and the sooner you realize this the easier it will be. Life ain't over because you can't drink and drug and in fact it is just really starting.

Give it an honest chance as you've got nothing to lose and so much to gain.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Aug 04, 2016 5:10 am

That's when the true struggle begins.


One of the facts the book talks over and over again is that, a real alcoholic cannot stay away from that 1st drink. His/her mind will somehow convinces him/her that its ok to have a beer or 1 small drink. Thats the peculiar mental twist we have developed. So I couldn't kid myself that I could stay away from those mind altering substance on my own. I had to do some work. If it just prayer, we wouldn't have 164 pages plus the doctors opinion. A flyer would have been sufficient-Pray to GOD!. I had to first of get convinced that I am an alcoholic and that if I have to recover, I will have to start changing. I had to put down the old character defects just like the business filing bankruptcy and re-opening. They have to discard bad business units and focus on the good. Then money starts flowing in. Recovery for me is like that. I have to start dropping resentments, fears, worries, relationship issues and then this power starts flowing in. And then I live that way of life for the rest of my life.
Last edited by avaneesh912 on Thu Aug 04, 2016 6:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby Larryp713 » Thu Aug 04, 2016 6:27 am

Welcome Lee, and thanks for sharing. I know it is tough, but there is really only two choices for us. We will either be desperate enough to embrace a new way of living and thinking, or we will die in our addiction. That is what powerless means. I finally reached a point of desperation that I was willing to anything to recover. I had to set aside my old ideas and try it someone else's way, because all my ways failed. When I followed the suggestions of a recovering alcoholic, I finally got the relief from the obsession. It isn't only what that person showed me, it was my willingness to trust God and be honest that allowed this to work.

I have used meth and know a lot of alcoholics with that cross addiction. It is incredibly difficult to quit and moderation is not possible. But the solution is the exact same - need to admit you cannot do this on your own and join arm-in-arm with people who have recovered from this terrible state of mind and body. Go all in because half measures avail us nothing.

As for boredom - I had that same fear. It seems silly to me now. I was not exactly setting the world on fire when I was drinking. I loved the effect of alcohol, but paid an incredible price for it. Today I realize boredom is a choice. I can always find some healthy way of occupying my time. I can call people, exercise, do something nice for my wife, play with my kids, call a friend in recovery, push myself at work... Drinking made me worse at all these things, and those are the things that actually make me feel good once I escape the fog of my alcoholism.

If you are ready to break those shackles, plug in and miracles can happen. I certainly hope you find this to be true, keep coming back. Larry
Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny!!!
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby cdogg556 » Sun Aug 07, 2016 5:48 am

Lee, I too can relate to your drinking and using meth, I have been what you would call a "Binge" user, in short my story was that I would stay away from the meth for up to a year or more on my own, no A.A. or N.A., so after a while of "white knuckling" it I would relapse and be on a bender for what used to be a few weeks, which now turned into a few months. In between this binges i continued to drink, never thinking that drinking was an issue, or just not wanting to admit it since I also thought how would I ever have fun again without drinking? I mean I have been drinking since I was 12, everything I did was associated with alcohol, yet I never thought it was an issue because I could drink half a handle of vodka in a day in a half and still work, no hangover, in my mind nothing really bad happened because of it, until this last go round, this last binge took me further into my addiction than ever before, looking back now I almost am sure I did it to make myself "willing, honest, and Open minded" because without being willing to try something different, I would not be here today. I ended up homeless, 2015 F-250 stolen from me with my wallet and phone in it, sitting on a street corner with other homeless people starving and having nowhere to go, now mind you I am used to living in a 4,000 sq' house with nice cars, swimming pool, trophy wife, wonderful children, etc........ Anyway this is how I became willing and I was able to get into a 30 day rehab, I came to the realization in that place that I needed to stop "All" mind altering substances if I was going to succeed at staying sober. Well when I got there I of coarse thought OMG! Get me the f...k outta here! Until I was inspired by something to open the book, you know what book I am talking about, and on page 62 I read, "So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making, they arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot!" Woh, wait a minute! That stopped me in my tracks! So it continues to talk about resentments on pg 66, and that they are the #1 offender for us, well that's me to a tee, I was the resentment king! I would create these situations I believe now just to have a legitimate reason to drink and then after a year or so of that my life became so unmanageable that I would say "F...k it!" nobody cares and does not appreciate what I am doing for them anyway! Looking back now I can see how ridiculous that thinking was. So I decided to do this with all my will because I know without a doubt that as long as I put enough effort into A.A. it will work! And it is, I have 140 days today and my life is amazing, granted I do not live in the big house, or drive the nice truck, etc.....but my life is now manageable and everyday miracles are happening, my eyes have been opened for the first time in many years. Something that really helps me is that I had to realize that if I was living in the past or future tripp'n I was missing out on the "right now" and the miracles were always there, I just wasn't, I hope the best for you Lee, and I hope it is bad enough to make you willing to try something different.
"If you want something different, do something you've never done"
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby D'oh » Sun Aug 07, 2016 7:53 am

Hello. Well I am at a point where I feel that if I am not going to seek recovery, my life will certainly be destroyed. I attended my first meeting since 2014, and hoping this will be a decision that will last. The reason of my decision is that while my addiction initially was alcohol, I had become a regular drug user.


4-8 Tie Straps should do it. Tie Wrap yourself to a chair in a Meeting until you realize that there is another way to live without Running from our problems.

It seems like you know there is an answer and where to find it. Now it is just about being Honest, Open, and Willing to hear that answer.

You can get it, you are closer that you think. Good Luck!
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Re: Starting Over Again...

Postby kellye » Sun Aug 07, 2016 9:01 am

How's it going, Lee? Your post was very thoughtful and incisive. I hope you are faring well in your struggle to remain sober.
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