Please help- I feel so sad here

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Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby emeraldg » Mon Jul 18, 2016 6:31 am

Hello dear friends,

I am feeling so sad right now. My ego is hurt.
While I am by no means perfect and never will be, I believe that generally since joining AA my relationships outside have improved overall. A lot. I believe that I am far healthier to be around, generally. There is an exception here with a long distance, relatively long time friend who I see about twice per year. We definitely had drinking times together, but she would always seem to know when to stop, whereas I could not.

After getting sober, I made my amends to her for putting her in these embarrassing, babysitting positions.

Recently, I saw her and she mentioned something to me and it REALLY hurt my feelings. She said I'm more annoying to her now that I'm sober than when I was a drunk. She referred to me as being "too happy and content", "peaceful to a delusional and idealistic level" and that I should understand that I do not have the tools or solutions to every problem that comes my way.

I was horrified. I asked her if there was something I said or did that I could fix? Was I preaching? Was I being "holier than thou"? I do not like to give other people unwanted advice- did I try and do that? Was I dismissive or downplaying a problem she was having?

She said no to those questions, and stated it was just annoying to be around such a happy person.

Come again? I am feeling very hurt! Where do you think this woman is coming from here? Is there anything I can do? Have any of you gone through something similar?

Thank you all so very much.
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby Stepchild » Mon Jul 18, 2016 8:02 am

There were some people I drank with that when I look back on it....That's all we really had in common. I parted ways with them. Sometimes getting sober hits a nerve with them. I think any real friend would be happy for you.
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby Chelle » Mon Jul 18, 2016 9:26 am

Hi emarldg. I know just how you feel. I am in the program with my spouse. I took to aa like it was my job. I got so excited about it and was so so happy with my new found sobriety and felt truly happy joyous and free. My spouse did not. He informed me that I was getting to preachy and over involved with all of this aa stuff. Cripes! HE was the one who encouraged me for 2 years to try AA and then when I finally did, I was told I was overdoing it? I felt like finally I found something I was good at and then to be told I was doing that wrong too. He even bashed my time spent here. What did I do? I got resentful and deleted every post I put on here and quit coming to this sight. Not only that, my broken head told me to quit aa and I could do it alone. DO NOT BE LIKE CHELLE!

Lickiky, I did not drink. As I was going through my phone deleting every member...I stopped at one and rather than delete, I called her. Thank god I did. I have had to learn that non AA people do not get it. Some AA people move slower than others. If you are happy joyous and free do not let her second guess your new attitude. Do not let her squash your joy. I agree with the other post.. some people are not meant to always stay in our life. You are on a different path now. For a while I seemed happier while drinking with others. They did not know how miserable I was. Just stay closs to God. Pray meditate and Keep doing the next right thing.

I'm glad I came here today and saw your post. I am feeling very sad too but for separate reasons. You are not alone and I am glad you are here.

Thanks for letting me share.
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby PaigeB » Mon Jul 18, 2016 10:32 am

Misery loves company. That being said, I too have a friend who I have tried to get together with a few times since I sobered up and though in the first couple of years it was always short but at least we got together, now she doesn't even answer my FB posts. I did not have time to make amends to her, so it can't be anything I've said there - but I might have said something else stupid I said I guess. We used to always give each other crap about who's turn it was to make contact - but this time I am very much aware that I have tried and tried.

I am just gonna let ride for a while. I want to be sincere when I make amends, and I am a little put off by her ignoring me. It is going to require prayer and maybe an intuitive thought.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby Lali » Mon Jul 18, 2016 11:52 am

I have found that when 2 friends were drinking buddies and 1 of the 2 has stopped drinking, the other is forced to look at their own drinking and doesn't always like what they see. Maybe she drank more than you realized. I know that when I would go to happy hour with a group of work friends, I would usually be the first to leave because I wanted to go home and do some "real drinking". Not only that, I usually had a bottle of my drink of choice in my car and would have one or two on the way to happy hour.

I find it bizarre that your friend has a problem with your happiness and have to wonder if she's really a friend at all. I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out what you might have said to offend her. You asked her many questions and gave her every opportunity to explain herself. Forget about her and move on.
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby Larryp713 » Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:14 pm

It has been very difficult for me to accept that some people are not going to like me, drunk or sober, and some people are just unhappy. All I can do is treat people as well as I can. If somebody says I was more fun to be around drunk, I am ok with that because it is very likely they have more fun with drunk people. My sister might fit in this category. She was my favorite drinking buddy, and now that I have quit, we really don't talk much. She lives 1000 miles away, so we don't see each other often, and says she is happy for me, but I feel there is a withdrawal, as if I might start telling her she needs to quit. I know better than doing that. But I understand she might have those thoughts. Thanks for the topic - Larry
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby 4thDimension » Mon Jul 18, 2016 6:50 pm

Hi,

Perhaps this is what's going on... When I was drinking, my family wanted me to get sober badly (mother and brothers). When I finally did, they would ask me to do things like pick up an order at a liquor store, or say or do things that were not supportive of sobriety. My counselor during my inpatient stay warned me that my family would try to sabotage my recovery. Not necessarily on purpose, but because that was how the family operated and felt comfortable - with me drinking and being a mess and them doing whatever they did.

I had to distance myself from family for the first year. Same with friends - some of us had to go separate ways. Sobriety first.
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby Noels » Tue Jul 19, 2016 12:06 am

I agree with all the above.
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby Barbara D. » Tue Jul 19, 2016 1:58 pm

All along my sobriety journey, there have been times when the answer is "No." It's entirely up to me how long I keep backing up and hitting that brick wall again. I get relief when I am ready to let it go and try to remember the good things about the situation or relationship and just let them be absorbed into the past. Sometimes, this person, place, or thing will pop up again later on; sometimes, not. Sometimes, distance and hindsight shows me see a different perspective. Mostly, now, I know I am not in charge of other people, places, and things.

I still want to control Barbara on a fairly regular basis. When I have learned a lesson over and over and over again, I want to be "done" with that mindset and those feelings. So far, I have gotten to work on not being in charge thousands and thousands of times. :mrgreen:

One day at a time, what I think is important is replaced by another detail in my peripheral vision, and somehow there are more steps forward than back. I am so thankful for my base of serenity even when today doesn't suit me.

Happy Tuesday! In fellowship, Barbara D., an alcoholic.
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby misslissy1982 » Tue Jul 19, 2016 9:18 pm

I feel your sadness, I am new but when you stated that your friend can stop drinking and you could not. This is me as well. I think to myself that this is not fair. Why can she stop at one or two but I have to keep drinking. It feels so out of control. What makes us so different? I wish that I could say something to make you feel happy but I am new to this (7 days sober, just out of detox) but I think I need more therapy and AA in my life before I could feel comfortable giving advice. Just know that I understand and you are not alone. I hope you feel better soon!!
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby emeraldg » Wed Jul 20, 2016 3:36 am

misslissy1982 wrote:I feel your sadness, I am new but when you stated that your friend can stop drinking and you could not. This is me as well. I think to myself that this is not fair. Why can she stop at one or two but I have to keep drinking. It feels so out of control. What makes us so different? I wish that I could say something to make you feel happy but I am new to this (7 days sober, just out of detox) but I think I need more therapy and AA in my life before I could feel comfortable giving advice. Just know that I understand and you are not alone. I hope you feel better soon!!


Congratulations on your decision to want a healthier life. 7 days is awesome. Way to go!
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Re: Please help- I feel so sad here

Postby Lali » Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:02 am

misslissy1982 wrote:I feel your sadness, I am new but when you stated that your friend can stop drinking and you could not. This is me as well. I think to myself that this is not fair. Why can she stop at one or two but I have to keep drinking. It feels so out of control. What makes us so different? I wish that I could say something to make you feel happy but I am new to this (7 days sober, just out of detox) but I think I need more therapy and AA in my life before I could feel comfortable giving advice. Just know that I understand and you are not alone. I hope you feel better soon!!


Welcome, misslissy and congratulations on 7 days sober! Please stick around and keep us posted with regard to your progress. Also feel free to ask any questions you may have.
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