"Un" lucky 13?

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"Un" lucky 13?

Postby amtra4 » Sat Jun 04, 2016 9:44 pm

Addition is forever. It's my crutch and my ball and chain. In a little over a month I'll have 13yrs sober. This scares me some, mainly because I'm shaky lately. Not enough to drink, but enough to feel restless and slightly chaotic. I don't want to drink but I'd kill for a beer right now. Crazy but sane, at least to me. I'm not going to drink. I don't keep any type of alcohol in the house, know the steps to avoiding all those old comfy dives and favorite juke joints, and I have numbers and meeting schedules.
I know what it takes to stay sober, but man, sometimes that old rat will just sneak up on me and try its best to knock me to my knees. It's past midnight now and I'm wide awake, just letting these thoughts run rampant thru my skull, pacing the floors like I've got 4 days dry under my belt.
It's an inconvenience at best sometimes, but in these small hours it's now like a bear trap around my neck. Again, I'm not going to drink, but morning's a few hours off yet and the earliest meeting I can make is a few hours after that.
In any case, it helps laying it out like this. At least now I can read my shaky, distant need in this forum and hopefully get it out of my head.
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby Duke » Sat Jun 04, 2016 10:23 pm

Thanks for sharing. Yeah, it always helps to verbalize it doesn't it? I know I went through some rough patches at various points in my journey. None where I ever thought seriously about drinking, but times when I was seriously restless, irritable and discontent for an extended period.

What I found, was that consciously or not, I'd cut back on the time I dedicated to practicing the principles on a daily basis. My meetings, phone calls, breakfasts, lunches, reading, etc had all taken a back seat to other things. It was all very innocent but the result was I found myself irritated and agitated more often than not.

I know meetings alone are not the program, but the simple fact for me is that when I find myself feeling that way, stepping up my meetings for a while always seemed to settle it down somehow.

Anyway, it's late and you may not get too many responses for a bit, but I wanted you to know there's a least one person awake and thinking good thoughts for you.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby ann2 » Sat Jun 04, 2016 10:44 pm

Grapevine had an issue on the stages of sobriety. Apparently 13 is a significant time when we deepen our relationship to our HP. I wonder what it said about my stage :)

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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Jun 05, 2016 4:18 am

Eckhart calls ego the dysfunctional relationship with the current moment. In AA its the internal un-manageability. Look inside you and see what is it you are not accepting? Perhaps your HP could guide you through it.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby amtra4 » Sun Jun 05, 2016 4:31 am

Thanks, everyone, for your responses. It's daylight again, and u know things look pretty dramatic in the middle of the nite. I'm exhausted, yet feel a little more stable. I needed, I guess, to get that all out last nite and I was glad to see I wasn't the only one wise awake and shaking.
I'm not sure what's got me so restless lately, other than the fact that I just started a new job and my homework has been more in both abundance and difficulty lately (I'm an adult learner). I feel stressed out--more than usual--and can't help but look around at other people and wonder how they can be so relaxed in their lives, so calm and together, when I often burn the candle at both ends and can only think of drinking, which is the one thing that has always gotten me thru.
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby tyg » Sun Jun 05, 2016 5:07 am

AA has a solution to get through these times easier. I found it to really help me in low or trying times.

I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going. (Pg. 15)


and... bottom of page 87, "As we go through the day we pause when agitated or doubtful. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer in charge of running the show. Saying to ourselves many times each day, "Thy will be done"...Read the rest at http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt6.pdf
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby Brock » Sun Jun 05, 2016 5:13 am

The Big Book speaks about the alcoholic being like an actor, to the outside world he shows the side he wants others to see. In my experience I believe that this applies to the vast majority of the population not just alcoholics, a psychiatrist I used to play golf with spoke about this often. It seems only a small minority, those at the pinnacle of spirituality really don't care what others think about them, and don't compare themselves to anyone. Someone who had a slip wrote this here about a week ago, I copied it then because I thought it contained good advise -
In this sad event I like to remember some positive parts. I never enjoyed any part of it, not at all as any of my relapse before. I opened my eyes on some reservations I still have.

There are several things I need to do to stop it:
- Stop thinking and intellectualizing too much.
- Stop playing god role - accept in my heart that I'm just an addict
- Stop comparing myself to others on a good or bad way
- Go to more meetings and stop thinking I'm better.
- Be in bed earlier because my sleep affect very much my spiritual condition
- Take real time to meditate properly and pray ALWAYS
- Don’t go to bars to meet friends
- Focus more on helping others

I enjoy the practice of pausing often during the day, if only for a couple on minutes, just check how the day has gone so far, say thanks and ask for direction. Best of luck in overcoming this difficult time.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Jun 05, 2016 7:25 am

when I often burn the candle at both ends and can only think of drinking, which is the one thing that has always gotten me thru.


Have you gone through the 12 steps with a sponsor?
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby amtra4 » Sun Jun 05, 2016 7:35 am

@avaneesh912,

Yes, I have and I called her this morning. It helped, of course, but I think more meetings are in my future, definitely.
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby PaigeB » Sun Jun 05, 2016 9:49 am

MIlestones always make me think of expectations.

Lately I have been hearing from others and thinking for myself that "I should be further along than I am at this point." The details run the gamut, but I think we alkies are prone to 2nd guess the paths we are on... My sponsee with 6 months coming up said, "I should be further along with my Higher Power." :wink:

Either way, we are where we are and that is no Mistake. We have to have faith that we are where we need to be to help others! You saying there would be more meetings in your future is great - there are folks there that need your help as much as you may need theirs!

I usually get a little hinky around my chip time. Still a couple months to that point myself, but I am feeling a little skittish because I have been neglecting some Step work that I know I need to get working on AND I have some paperwork on my desk I have been putting off!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby Spirit Flower » Sun Jun 05, 2016 9:53 am

For long term sobriety, we must improve our spiritual life. Conscious contact with a power greater than your self; not just turning it over. The pink cloud is long gone. Sobriety is not shiny and new. The old timers have warts we never noticed before. Meetings are either boring or annoying. But if we take action on spirituality, we will grow in sobriety. Long term sobriety involves psychological work also.

Go deeper my friend.
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby PaigeB » Sun Jun 05, 2016 9:53 am

Also I meant to relate this oft heard quite around here...

"Don't compare their outsides with your insides."

You never know what another person is going through, but it is unfair to compare yourself to "normal" people... It is like me and my cane trying to race the dog for a frisbee! :lol:
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby Db1105 » Sun Jun 05, 2016 10:05 am

The program was founded by one drunk dealing with the thought of a drink by helping another alcoholic. I try to keep that in mind anytime I'm feeling out of sorts.
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby amtra4 » Sun Jun 05, 2016 10:31 am

These have all been great responses and have helped me greatly. Usually, my chip time comes and goes w/no fanfare and I really don't think it's got anything to do w/the big lucky 13 coming up. I'm not big on bdays generally, so I think this has more to do w/a bad nite after a run of shaky, restless days. Typically, I don't compare myself to others, either, and I know that most times I'm exactly where I need to be.
Most times I know this. But then sometimes...I actually DO compare myself to others, seeing people I grew up with and went to school with and think, Jesus they've got it so much more together then I do. Compared to them, I'm a mess.
It's usually in those early morning hours that these thoughts get to me. The doubts crowd in and the demons come out to play. I'm ok once daylight hits (usually), so the main obstacle is just getting thru those nites.
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Re: "Un" lucky 13?

Postby PaigeB » Sun Jun 05, 2016 10:50 am

We have a thread going in the Women's Forum called "Fifty hours and a racing mind"

You register separately for that "closed forum" - let me know if you would like to join! (You said your sponsor was "her" so I am guessing you are female, lol)
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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