Relationships in 1st year sobriety

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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby kmith709 » Mon Nov 14, 2016 10:54 am

Hi again all. It's been a while since I've been here. I saw this thread was still alive and wanted to report back on how things went.

Long story short: I followed the advice of the AA program. And it all worked out SO much better than I ever could have imagined.

In fact, backing off from my relationship with that guy, who I really thought was "the one," turned out to result in the most AMAZING miracle of my sobriety. It hurt at first, I regretted the decision, I felt awful, I cried a lot... but things changed SO drastically for the better because of all of that. I thank God every day that it turned out as it did.

Arrogant alcoholic that I am, I *truly* believed that I was The Exception to the Rule about relationships in the first year... but I was not, and I am so glad. I really hope this reassures anyone out there who is in the same situation that I was in. This program works MIRACLES. God is amazing. It works if you work it!

Thank you and much love to all reading this.
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby tblue818 » Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:49 am

Thanks, kmith, for the follow-up where you chose a new future over recycle of the past!

I, too, chose to follow the suggestion of "no relationships in the first year". I came close to embarking on an affair before regrouping, remembering the goal, and taking action to prevent it (stopped going to the AA club the nights he worked, etc.). Beginning sobriety was so intensely unnerving, so foreign and scary, that if I'd had a million bucks, I'd have given it to have a burly guy wrap me in his arms just to tell me everything was going to be alright. Of course, I knew there was no way he could know that...but I desperately wanted to hear it.

I learned so much in that first year; so amazed so many times, that when my 'no relationship year' came to an end, I decided to extend it. Had come to realize just how emotionally warped I was, and found a desire not to inflict my unwell self upon others who would only see the mask (at first) and not the mess. <s>

Long before I found the Great Reality Within in the 5th Step, I came to trust G.O.D. - Group of Drunks to guide me out of the misery. AA rocks! Still.

Pamela
dos 8/98
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby positrac » Mon Dec 19, 2016 9:16 am

Funny topic because of the replies as I recall when I had gotten sober in SoCal the words were clear: No relationships for the first year and it was the rules and I wasn't eager and yet I was eager to have a lady in my life. I was able to hold it together as others came in and left because of the emotional discord they found themselves in going out and or in the rooms.

Had I lived in the places before I got sober and the had gotten sober I know I would of failed and not listened to wise AA counsel.

East coast in the US doesn't care if you have relationships in early sobriety and when I mentioned that in my home groups they kind of got pissed that I'd even consider that idea.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby tblue818 » Mon Dec 19, 2016 10:27 am

positrac wrote: East coast in the US doesn't care if you have relationships in early sobriety and when I mentioned that in my home groups they kind of got pissed that I'd even consider that idea.



I've never encountered any 'rules' in the AA Program, only suggestions. I live in MD, but got sober online where I usually had no idea where others lived - just got suggestions from everywhere. And in a MD meeting, they get all of *my* es&h, not something filtered for local norms. They get to choose, for themselves, if they want what I have, and are willing to do what I did to get it.

Being willing to follow all suggestions, I also did 'the year' for:

No newspapers or news TV for a year.

Do not listen to my preferred music (classic rock) for a year.

Had no idea how either of these things related to sobriety - but learned the truism: "Do. Then Understand." All three 'year-long' suggestions were invaluable, for me.

Not listening to news kept me from getting distracted from my primary purpose. If anything major happened, I'd overhear it at the workplace or some other way (like 9/11).

For a different kind of music, I chose instrumental (Celtic). The value was discovering that listening to classic rock "anchored me to the past"/old thinking. Today, when I hear classic rock, it doesn't 'take me back' - but I can hear new meanings that apply to AA. Pretty neat. :) (And no, I don't intentionally listen to gobs of rock, even today. Usually it is in a store, changing radio stations or something that I hear the lyrics.) And sometimes, tho rarely, Spirit sends me a lyric from past that knocks my socks off in new application. :)

I do listen to news today but am not 'disturbed' by it. If so, I would have AA work to do. ;)

Best to All,

Pamela
dos 8/98

P.S. I don't worry about telling the results I found from following certain suggestions. Cuz unless someone *does* it, they won't find the *experience* (or even deeper ones). Plenty of people said they thought the suggestions were stupid, or 'not part of AA'. I didn't care....I was desperate for something to DO other than "don't drink, read the BB, go to meetings". These suggestions made me an active participant, focused, in a tangible way, in my recovery. I also took book suggestions (Emmet Fox, for one) that I'd never have read on my own (I was into sci-fi). I found an amazing 'mind tool' in Emmet Fox that literally changed my mental life drastically.

So grateful; still amazed...
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby positrac » Wed Dec 21, 2016 3:23 am

Music: Back in the day I got drunk to Run's and Goses (guns and roses) off the first two albums in the late 80's. The radio stations never really played their music so much and in 1991 I was driving over the grapevine on I-5 in Cali and I heard November rain and it was a cold rainy day. But the point is now stations play more of the older GnR and I am cool with it as I don't listen to it a lot because my memories are for a purpose and not to loath and get drunk.

^^^Thanks for that reminder^^^
:shock:
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby FormerlyHopeless » Sat Apr 08, 2017 2:38 am

met my girlfriend at 4 months, been happily married for 16 years now.
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby laur » Sat Jun 17, 2017 5:29 am

clouds wrote:
My sponsor said to read the part about sex in the BIg Book of AA, it talks of selfcenteredness and dishonesty with ourselves in regard to sexual relationships, it helps to set a certain kindof attitude we strive for in these kinds of areas.


Can you tell me what pages those are? I think I need to read them.
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby PaigeB » Sat Jun 17, 2017 7:31 am

Page 69 - not kidding...
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby Blue Moon » Sat Jun 17, 2017 12:48 pm

PaigeB wrote:Page 69 - not kidding...


Not to be confused with Page 96 ...
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby Step 9 » Sat Jun 17, 2017 2:56 pm

I have 13 years sober ..i split with my wife 3 years ago ..a year later i got with a woman in aa very good looking and seemed to have good revovery of 7 years..after running it all by my sponsor slowly slowly we formed a relationship ..then it came to light that she smoked cannabis ..i had fallen in love with her by this time but knew i could'nt stick around a group of liers...along with this it turned out a lot of the women she knew in aa were on the weed.. or still drinking and making out to be sober..even taking new cummers on ...i could'nt beleive the scale of the dishonesty when sat in meetings knowing the truth....
As i went deeper into this and got to know more .. it turned out a lot of people men and women i looked up to were out of it on something...
i have not been to a meeting or bothered with my sponsor for a year now.. and to be honest all the direction he gave was ill thought out..
I still pray and have a god in my life but would never trust anyone in aa again.. this is all my truth and my experience..
so be carefull big love...
855 Ardmore Avenue 1935
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Jun 17, 2017 7:16 pm

Very early on listening to Don P, I understood AA is a large family but we have know our close ones and get to know them better. The Vision for you also eludes to that idea "create a fellowship that you crave". We need to realize this, if do realize this quickly its even better, we are not going to get friends with everyone. With that, we all can get along well without disintegrating.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby desypete » Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:29 am

i was told in no uncertain terms
i dont go to aa to get laid
i dont let what is in my pants rule my head

you see the people of aa knew me better than i knew myself in my early days, if i women so much as smiled at me in aa i would be in love let alone give me a hug =biggrin

i would always want to help a pretty girl and dress it up as working my 12th step funny enough i wasnt as keen to help a male or the ugly ones =biggrin but i would dress it up that i only wanted to help
and quite rightly the aa memebers have been there done it and seen it a thousand times before

anyway the point is i have had to learn and face myself and who i am and what i am etc and get honest and thanks to aa and the people in it they have shown me just how i am or have been

there is an unwritten rule of men for men and women for women in aa and it should always be accepted in my eyes as the danger is 2 drunk meet in aa and think it would be great to be together and help each other blah blah but once the sex is out of the way and they have to live together and see what there really like to live with away from the meetings very often it turns into a night mare
the upshot is one or both might end up quiting aa and returning to the booze and all because they wouldnt listen to a simple bit of advice like stick to men for men and women for women in the rooms
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Re: Relationships in 1st year sobriety

Postby Mikejonesmj » Wed Aug 09, 2017 12:55 am

FormerlyHopeless wrote:met my girlfriend at 4 months, been happily married for 16 years now.


Good for you brother. Keep Enjoying. =smile
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