looking for advice

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looking for advice

Postby rexmanning28 » Sat Mar 21, 2015 11:30 pm

Hi, this is my first post on here. It has recently hit me where I stand with alcohol abuse. I pictured an alcoholic being someone who drinks all the time, versus binge drinking which I primarily do. Every time I drink, I drink in excess, and black out. When I black out that is when Mr. Hyde comes out. I am in, or should say was, in a long term relationship until about a month ago when I decided to drink heavily and let her know exactly how I felt. Most of what I said was not how I felt, but I know it hurt her. We have had problems for a long time, so after that we decided to take a break from each other because we have a little one together (I don't ever drink around her). We have been in a way dating, and things have been going good but I fear it's only a matter of time before history repeats itself. I haven't started going to meetings yet but I will. I'm just unsure of how I should proceed, was wondering other peoples experiences with relationships and recovery.
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Re: looking for advice

Postby desypete » Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:07 am

hi rexmanning28

thanks for your honesty in your post, i was exactly like you when i first came to aa and i was 23, my drinking was just binge drinking at weekends, i could stop drinking all week just at the weekends i would end up getting so drunk and then end up doing all sorts of hurtful things to people and hurting people i loved, waking up the next day with fear, confusion, and dread of what i had done, and wishing with all my heart i had never done it

trying to say sorry to people out of desperation as i was scared they would leave me etc and sometimes i might be able to hold on to people but the sad part is i would swear i would never do it again, i would tell them how sorry i am, i didnt mean it etc i would mean those promises at the time with all my heart

can you guess what happens next ?

time would pass by and the trouble would die down and some how i would think its a good idea to try a drink again, i would try to control the drinking in different ways like only drinking half pints etc but no matter what i tried to do to make sure i didn't get drunk and end up a fool or in big trouble. it would catch up with me in the end

that feeling of guilt shame and remorse the next day i could never seem to remember before i would take a drink but it would surely follow after taking a drink

i ended up going to aa at 23 and i found out that indeed i am an alcoholic, the only way i found out i was an alcoholic is because others in the meetings shared about themselves, what the drinking did to them etc and what its like for them without drink etc, they shared with such honesty about themselves that i could easily see i was just like them, i got what they call identification from others in the meetings without which i would never of ever known what was wrong with me,
so i came to believe if there an alcoholic then i am to as no one will tell anyone they are an alcoholic we have to come to that conclusion ourselves it was just that my drinking had not progressed yet to the level of how a down and out would drink. i thought i might of been to young to be an alcoholic but again it all has to start from somewhere

normal drinkers can take a drink or 2 and go home without problems but for me if i take a drink it sets off a huge hunger for more and more. i lose all sense of reality as i have to have more drink, it makes me feel good and free and alive and i loved that feeling it gave me, but my problem was i could not stay that way, i have no off switch when it comes to drinking i end up drunk and in that condition i can do or say anything to anyone i love or care for. and a hell of a lot worse.

anyway good luck to you, aa for me is the only place i ever found people who were just like me. and from those people i learned so much, sadly i didnt stick around aa when i was 23 i became what i now know to be an aa know all about recovery i looked down on aa after about a year or 2 of being sober, i didnt need them anymore as my life had turned out ok so i ended up leaving aa and i managed to go 15 years without a drink
only to end up trying just 1 drink and of course over 8 years my drinking progressed and i lost everything just like those guys in aa had told me would happen to me should i carry on drinking i had gone from the old weekend bender drinker to a full blown 24 / 7 drunk

i lost it all and ended up going to prison for my drunken ways my kids were taken away to foster care its a long story that just shows how much a drunk can lose but still carry on drinking, but i finaly came back to aa 10 years ago with nothing and the guys there helped me again no end to get me back on my feet, they didn't point a finger or say i told you so they just helped me more than i can ever say

i have my life back, i have my kids back and have had them back for the last 9 years being a single parent so life can and will change for anyone so long as they have that desire and willingness. the problem is getting that stage some of us seem to need a lot more conincing than others

anyway i talk to much take care and please do give aa a try if you meet people just like you then you will be amazed good luck
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Re: looking for advice

Postby ODAAT » Sun Mar 22, 2015 5:36 am

rexmanning28 wrote:Hi, this is my first post on here. It has recently hit me where I stand with alcohol abuse. I pictured an alcoholic being someone who drinks all the time, versus binge drinking which I primarily do. Every time I drink, I drink in excess, and black out. When I black out that is when Mr. Hyde comes out. I am in, or should say was, in a long term relationship until about a month ago when I decided to drink heavily and let her know exactly how I felt. Most of what I said was not how I felt, but I know it hurt her. We have had problems for a long time, so after that we decided to take a break from each other because we have a little one together (I don't ever drink around her). We have been in a way dating, and things have been going good but I fear it's only a matter of time before history repeats itself. I haven't started going to meetings yet but I will. I'm just unsure of how I should proceed, was wondering other peoples experiences with relationships and recovery.

Do you think you are an alcoholic?
Or do you think you might be an alcoholic?

Those are the most important questions in the beginning of recovery.

If you think you are, then it logically follows that you need to (and want to) do something about it.

I am very familiar with the Mr. Hyde of which you speak. I hated becoming him through my binges. I hated hurting the one I loved as Mr. Hyde.

I finally realized that I could not suppress Mr. Hyde. I finally realized I could not expect to control my drinking once I started.

I finally asked for help. I ended up at an AA meeting and found I was among many others like me. Then, I just tried to do what they did to stay sober. And it worked. Now, Mr. Hyde is gone. Hopefully, never to return.

Good luck, RM28.
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Re: looking for advice

Postby Duke » Sun Mar 22, 2015 6:27 am

Welcome. The only answer I have to the question of what to do, is get to a meeting, embrace this program and begin your own journey of working the steps in all due haste. I have seen no other effective solutions to alcoholism.

You also asked about relationships. I am married to the same woman as when I came to the program over thirty years ago. As with any relationship, there have been many ups and downs in between. What I've found is that if I make the practice of the principles of this program my priority, all my relationship issues have been resolved. The key for me is that I have to practice the principles before, not after, the relationship questions are answered.

I hope to hear more from you. We'll be here whenever you come back.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: looking for advice

Postby rexmanning28 » Sun Mar 22, 2015 9:00 am

Thnaks all for replying,

I do view myself as an alcoholic. I've known for a long time, just stupidly thought I could control it. I've come to realize that alcoholism isn't defined just by how often you drink, but also why and who you become when you do drink. I am ready to do something about it, I am tired of waking up the next day and not knowing what happened, having to find out from whoever I was with. I am at a point I don't even ask anymore. I should have taken the chance to sober up years ago when I was arrested. I took advantage of the judge giving me leniency and ordering me just to go to AA. I just sat in the back, quiet because I didn't think I was an alcoholic. I want my relationship to work so bad, but at the same time I look at it being a little selfish of myself. I know I wont be good for a long time, and I know it is going to be a rocky ride.
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Re: looking for advice

Postby PaigeB » Sun Mar 22, 2015 11:03 am

AA has a daily reader we call Daily Reflections - here is today's reading...
MARCH 22
NO MORE STRUGGLE. . .

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone— even alcohol.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

When A.A. found me, I thought I was in for a struggle, and that A.A. might provide the strength I needed to beat alcohol. Victorious in that fight, who knows what other battles I could win. I would need to be strong, though. All my previous experience with life proved that. Today I do not have to struggle or exert my will. If I take those Twelve Steps and let my Higher Power do the real work, my alcohol problem disappears all by itself. My living problems also cease to be struggles. I just have to ask whether acceptance—or change—is required. It is not my will, but His, that needs doing.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

One of my favorite reading from our Big Book - page 84...
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/aa-liter ... -anonymous
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: looking for advice

Postby TonyWARMS » Sun Mar 22, 2015 12:58 pm

Welcome, rex
Being selfish in the beginning is all right.
I look at my situation as " If I'm not good with myself, how am I going to be good with anyone else"?
As far as the alcoholic part, I was exactly the same as you.
Even with all of the signs, so large they blocked everything in my sight, I still didn't believe I was an alkie.
More that, I didn't want to. That took time to realize.
If you think giving this another try is the right thing for you, don't agonize over what might happen.
You might get sober, and everything might work out they way you want.
Terrifying, right :wink:

Peace, Tony
"Nothing comes to stay. Everything comes to pass".
(I don't know where I heard this)
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Re: looking for advice

Postby ODAAT » Sun Mar 22, 2015 3:21 pm

rexmanning28 wrote:I should have taken the chance to sober up years ago when I was arrested. I took advantage of the judge giving me leniency and ordering me just to go to AA. I just sat in the back, quiet because I didn't think I was an alcoholic.

The past is gone. Can't be changed. And you probably picked up a few things the first time around...

rexmanning28 wrote:I know I wont be good for a long time, and I know it is going to be a rocky ride.

How do you "know" that, I wonder.
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Re: looking for advice

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Mar 22, 2015 4:13 pm

I've come to realize that alcoholism isn't defined just by how often you drink, but also why and who you become when you do drink.

An alcoholic is one who cannot keep away from booze. What happens after he/she takes that first drink are just consequences but those consequences doesn't keep him/her from reaching for that 1st drink. Hence the book talks about we being defenseless against that first drink.

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

Later on the book would add the defense MUST come from a higher power:

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: looking for advice

Postby Mikejonesmj » Sat Aug 12, 2017 4:46 am

rexmanning28 wrote:Hi, this is my first post on here. It has recently hit me where I stand with alcohol abuse. I pictured an alcoholic being someone who drinks all the time, versus binge drinking which I primarily do. Every time I drink, I drink in excess, and black out. When I black out that is when Mr. Hyde comes out. I am in, or should say was, in a long term relationship until about a month ago when I decided to drink heavily and let her know exactly how I felt. Most of what I said was not how I felt, but I know it hurt her. We have had problems for a long time, so after that we decided to take a break from each other because we have a little one together (I don't ever drink around her). We have been in a way dating, and things have been going good but I fear it's only a matter of time before history repeats itself. I haven't started going to meetings yet but I will. I'm just unsure of how I should proceed, was wondering other peoples experiences with relationships and recovery.


Proceeding in a way which is normal, is good. I Think You should be doing all the normal stuffs like dating and just casual hangouts. All you need is a good time around her and just make your bestie the most comfortable as you can. =smile =smile =smile
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Re: looking for advice

Postby kdub720 » Mon Aug 14, 2017 8:55 am

I like how these posts regenerate when people find them and want to talk. Booze realy hurt a past relationship. I drank all the time with a n even keil, my partner would drink occasionally and occasionally get wasted, black out and turn into hyde. Then they would feel bad say sorry yet not relize how mean they were do me. needless to say We both have our issues. This post stood out because I was never the problem drinker in that when I drank I never got mean or violent, and for the most part stayd very responsible, yet I had this underlying desire to drink. My partner would get mad because I constantly had a buzz, yet I would get mad because my actions while drinking were nothing close to my partners "mean drunk attitude" THis boggled my mind. I would say' " I just like the booze, and you have a problem with drinking the booze. It was not until about a month sober that I realized how my drinking did affect me negetively. I just could not see it. This made me think today. thank you.
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Re: looking for advice

Postby Onlyzen » Sat Aug 26, 2017 6:27 am

rexmanning28 wrote:Hi, this is my first post on here. It has recently hit me where I stand with alcohol abuse. I pictured an alcoholic being someone who drinks all the time, versus binge drinking which I primarily do. Every time I drink, I drink in excess, and black out. When I black out that is when Mr. Hyde comes out. I am in, or should say was, in a long term relationship until about a month ago when I decided to drink heavily and let her know exactly how I felt. Most of what I said was not how I felt, but I know it hurt her. We have had problems for a long time, so after that we decided to take a break from each other because we have a little one together (I don't ever drink around her). We have been in a way dating, and things have been going good but I fear it's only a matter of time before history repeats itself. I haven't started going to meetings yet but I will. I'm just unsure of how I should proceed, was wondering other peoples experiences with relationships and recovery.

Hi rexmanning28,
Good to see that you want to avoide alcohal, these steps you can follow to avoid
Some quick and sure-fire ways to enter recovery include:

Knowing your addiction triggers and avoid them when possible
Avoiding associates and past friends who encourage your addictive behaviours
Attend a residential treatment facility whilst you detox and rehabilitate
Attend mutual support groups
Get a sponsor
Improve your health by taking regular exercise and by eating well
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Re: looking for advice

Postby Brock » Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:03 am

Welcome to e-AA Onlyzen. Lovely words of advise given there, hope to keep seeing more of you on our forums, good folks and solid recovery here, plus all sorts of threads with varying topics.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: looking for advice

Postby bbqking » Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:52 pm

I was also a binge drinker in my early and mid 20's, not a daily, that is until I became a daily drinker in my late 20's.

With many of us it is a continuum, that only gets worse.

If you think you might be an alcoholic, you're better off addressing it now before continuing down the rabbit hole.

I wish I had a clue what was to come when I was at the binge drinking stage, it got worse..... much much worse. I don't recommend it.
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Re: looking for advice

Postby Cristy99 » Mon Sep 04, 2017 8:56 am

Thanks BBQ!! =biggrin
"Talk doesn't cook rice."
~ Chinese proverb
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