Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

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Chicken
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Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Chicken »

I didn't make day 21. I thought it was going to be easy. No sweat stopping. Looking forward to my month "birthday".

First social outing out. thought i would just have one. Well. You know how that ended. I don't clearly remember going home.

Been awake since 3am fretting with a hangover and knowing I was an ass to take the first drink.

Back to day 1.

Woke partner up at 6am and admitted to him for the first time that I am an alcoholic. No S***. He said.

He didn't even know I have been going to meetings so it's a big step admitting to him. To be honest, I haven't until now incase he restricts me alcohol wise.

On a positive note, I now realise I am an alcoholic.

I thought I was a half one :(

MyNameisVictor
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by MyNameisVictor »

I can't help but chuckle, chicken. It took me four years to put together one day. The fact that you made it back, and that you're still alive (I've known many people who didn't make it back) to inform the rest of us that the drinking landscape hasn't changed, is something I thank God for. I just got off my shift in the ER. There were nine cases of people who suffered grand mal siezures due to acute alcohol withdrawel, and one guy who died from blunt force trauma to the head because he got into a fight while drunk and the other guy hit him in the head with a brick. So consider yourself lucky.

Do not be discouraged. You simply tried that experiment that the BB suggests, of going out and trying some controlled drinking.

Thanks for helping me stay sober, and God bless. Keep coming back.
"They said a miracle would happen on my 90th day of sobriety, and it did happen...I was sober."
-Anonymous from the Trinity Group of AA in NYC

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Tosh
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Tosh »

Chicken wrote: On a positive note, I now realise I am an alcoholic.
Nothing in recovery is wasted, so I've heard, and now you have an insight into the way A.A. uses the word 'powerlessness' in relation to alcohol. You will also understand the phenomenon of craving better now. And not only that, you have some great experience to share with the next newcommer.

Personally, I found it a bit of a relief when I realised I was an alcoholic. When I had a name to my condition, I could then start investigating a solution to it, which eventually led me to A.A..
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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Chicken
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Chicken »

Nothing in recovery is wasted
like that. I've heard that relapsing is part of the process. I was pretty sure it was all going to be so freaking easy that relapsing was far from my mind (ha ha denial).
You simply tried that experiment that the BB suggests, of going out and trying some controlled drinking
experiment done and dusted.

The past couple of weeks have been a real eye opener. I have been toying with the "am I an alcoholic ?" for so long. It's been a hard one to admit. I have an appointment with an addictions counsellor I've known for a couple of years tomorrow. I trained to be a recovery counsellor. Because of my experience with my own family, never putting my own paw up. So good at reading the text books and diagnosing others and diasecting others.

I am not sure if I want to come out of the closet to friends, but I am thinking that if I keep it private, there will be more opportunities to sneak a first drink in and go down the relapse route again. I am sitting on the fence with this one. I've only just admitted it to the man I've been dating for five years ! Perhaps I shouldn't worry about that right now.

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Layne
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Layne »

I thought I was a half one :(
Even if you are a half one, which half, which half do you trust with your life? The half that...
I don't clearly remember going home.
Scary thought, but one I can relate to as I also didn't know if the decisions I would make when drinking would be good ones or not or if I would even remember them!

Relapse is not part of recovery. It is part of some people's story. It is part of mine. I am fortunate that I lived long enough and through the relapses until I could truly get the message of recovery. Wnenever I relapsed, there were never any guarantees that that would happen!
I am not sure if I want to come out of the closet to friends
I wouldn't worry about it. Odds are good that their reaction might mirror your partners.
No S***.
Also telling them as a means of lessening the problems with sneaking a drink, if you are like me, won't amount to a hill of beans when the time comes. When it came for me, I increase my efforts to sneak to whatever level I felt was necessary. I have driven for an hour and half to go buy my alcohol, so that I wouldn't run into anyone that I knew when making my purchase.

The funny thing about this behavior is that no matter how much I would attempt to sneak a drink, I was there every time that I did. I just couldn't sneak away from myself!

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Hanna
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Hanna »

[quote="Chicken"]I didn't make day 21. I thought it was going to be easy. No sweat stopping. Looking forward to my month "birthday".
Hi Chicken, What's helping me, today is Day 7, is saying to myself "I never have to feel like that again". Been in the program before, but like you , thought I could do some controlled drinking. Well following that thought led me to lose my job, my license and almost my family. For the first time I understand, We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. I still have regrets, but I will not shut the door on my past, I must remember or I will be doomed to repeat it. Chicken you never have to feel like this again, just keep on one day at a time. Keep posting, your helping me. Thank you.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace

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ann2
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by ann2 »

Chicken wrote:Woke partner up at 6am and admitted to him for the first time that I am an alcoholic. No S***. He said.
Love this. The guy is a genius, or this is just lucky, that he knew all along but never confronted you and got you denying it. You've taken action on your own and you both apparently seem to be on the same page!
Chicken wrote:I haven't until now incase he restricts me alcohol wise.
okay, that's just hysterical. Trying to control your access to alcohol in advance! This relapse was planned :o
Plus another amusing thing, imagining anyone stopping me from drinking when I wanted one :evil: :roll: Never happened!! :lol:

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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Todd M
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Todd M »

Sharing your Adventure with us,
helps me,
I think its helps all of us... Stay Sober.

reminds me, the Big-Book's wisdom about the disease, came form many Alcoholics
some made it, some did not.

There were at least 100 alcoholics involved with creating the Big-Book
but there were thousands of reports
summerized in our Big-Book
of how the first drink took back control of the suffering alcoholic
There is Hope, Todd M
Keep it Simple

The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link:
http://www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php

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Texan
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Texan »

I'm glad you're okay, Chicken, and Hanna. It is good to share as it not only helps you, but others as has been mentioned here. I relapsed the evening I got out of detox. I did manage to keep it to myself for another month before my family came home to find me, bloody nose and all from falling, passed out on the couch. That was the last time I drank, after seeing all the damage I caused not only myself, but to my family. I don't know what was different about that time from other times, but it is still clear in my mind, and I will see the evidence each and every day I look in the mirror and see that scar across the bridge of my nose from falling flat on my face. The only humor I can manage out of the whole thing is that it's a good thing drunks bounce. And yes, that was the day I realized I didn't have to go through this pain, nor did I have to put my family through this kind of pain anymore. It was up to me at that point to begin the journey I remain on today with the help of my sponsor and the good folks here.

Keep coming back, both of you. Keep taking it one day at a time.
Keep on Keeping on, One Day at a Time.

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Chicken
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Chicken »

The short of it all is that I have not made enough honest changes. Which is why my years of trying to stop on my own don't work.

Trying to do it the gentle way on my own has never worked. Not telling my boyfriend I am an alcoholic is a big one. As it gives me the opportunity to get on and off the alcohol bus when I choose. If I spell it out honestly, I cannot get on and off the bus.

Nothing changes if nothing changes a wise friend tells me ....

The difference between failing and staying sober is obviously AA and the BB and I have a lot to learn.

My mother and stepdad were daily drinkers. With my mother drinking before work near the end. It has been easy to me to deny my own alcoholism in comparison to my family. This is how I've dodged putting myself in the alcoholic category. Because what I saw growing up and when I am are very different. I've been subconsciously sly. I'm alright jack, I'm not like them.

Is there any references to binge alcoholism in the BB ? Or does it not matter. I think this has been a huge form of denial in my life.

Thank you for sharing with me.

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avaneesh912
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by avaneesh912 »

Is there any references to binge alcoholism in the BB ? Or does it not matter. I think this has been a huge form of denial in my life.


The chapter "More about alcoholism' is a great chapter where you could see the queer mental twist that precedes each binge drinking. In the case of the 'Man of thirty' he was able to stay away from booze for quite some time. But at the end he false pray to the idea that he could control drinking after a long period of abstinence.

Then there is Jim who thinks that he could drink an ounce of whiskey with milk on a full stomach. And Jeff who thinks can handle a high ball on a clear blue sky.

Ofcourse there is the the Jay Walker who gets hurt after each time makes a determinant effort never to jay walk again.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

Jellybelly
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Jellybelly »

Thanks for Coming back and posting about it, you sound like you're getting honest with yourself, keep it up! :D

greeneidgirl
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by greeneidgirl »

Thanks for sharing your xp. Don't be so hard on yourself! View it more as a "these were my actions; these were my consequences type of thing."

I'm nobody to talk-- I'm only on day four and it's been HELL but those ominous "this weekend I'll just have one beer with everyone at the drive-in" thoughts have been FLOODING my mind...well along with "DRINK. DRINK. DRINK." So reading your experience has realllly put things in perspective.

Thank you so much for sharing! Best of luck!

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Chicken
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Re: Not as easy as I thought, relapse.....

Post by Chicken »

Thanks all.

Day 6

avaneesh912's recommendation to start at "more about alcoholism" in the BB was spot on. Thank you !

I am blown away at how much I relate. The controlled drinking experiment is in there !

This is all bizarre as I have had the BB for about three years. It's been gathering dust on my desk since i bought it went I last went to 4 - 5 meetings.

I didn't relate half as much 3 years ago.

Funny how I "heard" only what I needed to "hear" this time round.

The controlled drinking experiment has had a positive spin for me. Like being slapped in the face with a wet fish.

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