Non-alcoholic spouse's social drinking

The book Alcoholics Anonymous, aka The Big Book, is the basic text for the AA program of sobriety. "Alcoholics Anonymous" Copyright 2012 AAWS, Inc. All Rights, Reserved. Short excerpts used by permission of AAWS

Re: Non-alcoholic spouse's social drinking

Postby chefchip » Mon Nov 04, 2013 3:43 pm

Duke wrote:What I do know is that her drinking is none of my business. Period.


I need to remind myself of this on a daily basis. My life partner drinks on occasion. He usually (but not always) drinks reasonably. He can and does decide when he will drink and how much. He can make a fifth of bourbon last for a year, instead of my usual record of it lasting for only a day and then blaming him for not remembering how much he had! :(

Do I find myself resenting him for this? More than I care to admit.
Would I rather he quit, even if only to "show his support" for me? You bet.
If he did quit, would it make one iota of difference to my recovery? Wouldn't that be nice....
If he continues to drink "normally," even around me, will I use that as an excuse to ditch my recovery? Hell, no!

Thanks for the kick in the pants, Duke! Those four questions constitute my tenth step every time this comes up in my relationship. Why is it that every time I have to inventory something, I find out that most of the problem was mine to begin with? That really sucks..... :lol:
The only constant in life is change.
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Re: Non-alcoholic spouse's social drinking

Postby Bunnypoison » Tue Jul 28, 2015 1:23 am

I found this quite helpful. My boyfriend will be starting with the program as our relationship has reached a point where it cannot continue without him seeking help. I am still a bit confused however on whether or not this will mean I will need to stop drinking as well. I am a social drinker and I always make sure I am in a safe environment. I do not drink and drive or drink so much that I black-out. I get tipsy and go to bed basically. He has finally admitted that he has a problem after an arrest, assault and theft as he let strangers spend the night leading to the loss of his vehicle and phone. I am extremely proud an relieved that he is seeking help but I do not know what the correct support should be from my side. Is it a given that I too should stop drinking in order to minimize temptation? Is it inconsiderate if I go out with friends and have a glass of wine?
Also should I go to meetings with him as support?

He is not an alcoholic as he can go weeks or months without a drink, he is however an alcohol abuser. He doesn't know when to stop. He believes that he could still drink id he limits himself to the location of home,is this a possible solution?

Basically I willing to do what it takes to support him, but there aren't many guidelines out there for the partner. I do not know what the do's and don'ts of a supportive partner are.
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Re: Non-alcoholic spouse's social drinking

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Jul 28, 2015 3:45 am

There is a sister fellowship called Al-anon where you can get lot of advice on how to deal with a recovering/recovered alcoholic. They too follow the 12 steps of AA (at least in some groups). The forward says this way of living may benifit the world.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Non-alcoholic spouse's social drinking

Postby denisewoodallksu » Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:11 am

Hi there,

I think these situations of alcoholics being bothered by someone else's drinking is very serious, but unfortunately under-examined. Me and a few other alcoholic friends of mine started a double winners meeting in Marietta, georgia. Al-anon alone did not help us near as much as this double winners meeting. For me, I can now go to Al-anon, keep my membership in the AA fellowship to myself and still have a good experience because I can take the way these issues affect my sobriety to my double winners meeting. We use A-anon and AA literature, and since we don't have a charter or a fellowship, we really can use whatever the group conscience decides. Myself and countless others are getting a lot out of these double winners meetings. We can share our experiences of loving someone whose substance use bothers us. We don't feel so isolated, the group members have become very close - like passengers who have survived a sinking ship...it's like that. Just like in AA - - it's just a different ship. Not everyone is bothered by someone else's drinking, others -- like myself, are. I'm so grateful for the program of Al-anon and I'm so grateful for our non-Alanon double winners meeting. The combination of these (along with my regular AA meetings) is truly making my recovery complete. I don't think I'd be sober if I lost one of them. Anyway, anyone interested in creating a more formal double winners fellowship... feel free to contact us on (Very sorry but we don't allow links except to AA.org sites, if you click edit on the top of your post and can describe in words how to find the site you can do so).
in loving service,
Denise W.
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