I fancied myself a leader, for had not the men of my battery given me a special token of appreciation? My talent for leadership, I imagined, would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance.
I'd prove to the world I was important.
Though my drinking was not yet continuous, it disturbed my wife. We had long talks when I would still her forebodings by telling her that men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk; that the most majestic constructions of philosophic thought were so derived.
Living modestly, my wife and I saved $1,000. It went into certain securities, then cheap and rather unpopular.
I failed to persuade my broker friends to send me out looking over factories and managements, but my wife and I decided to go anyway.
For the next few years fortune threw money and applause my way. I had arrived. My judgment and ideas were followed by many to the tune of paper millions.
The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf.
As I drank, the old fierce determination to win came back.
The real significance of my experience in the Cathedral burst upon me. For a brief moment, I had needed and wanted God. There had been a humble willingness to have Him with me - and He came. But soon the sense of His presence had been blotted out by worldly clamors, mostly those within myself. And so it had been ever since. How blind I had been.
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