Thank you for existing

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Thank you for existing

Postby Sherlock » Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:14 pm

Dear Everyone - everyone in the world tuned in at this moment,

I have discovered this forum and group last night, my first day without alcohol (yes, I drank the night before/Friday, and yes, I have "tried and tried and tried again" so this would not seem too legendary) - and I discovered it by typing into google 'why am I an alcoholic'. To that, I found the forum and I read what people said and I was fully involved, I could fully feel your voices and I was so, so grateful to realise you.

I have been to a few meetings, but no more than two in a row. One, I simpered all the way through, in distress, and then the following week I bravely came in and spoke my feelings and where I am at and people said "that was a great share" and good stuff like that. But me, I felt DESPERATELY EXPOSED. I was DESPERATELY exposed, and I just could not return. I have not returned.

I live with my 16yo son. I have been single about a decade. I have had a destructive, obsessive lover in that time, who provided me with drink at will, and waited for my call - you know what I mean, when all my barriers were down. I MOVED FROM THE WEST OF AUSTRALIA TO THE EAST TO RESTART IN 2008 - that is, I moved 3,000+ K with my son, me alone doing all the preparations and organising and paying everything, and arrived in the new town, exhausted. I have faltered variously, since, culminating in three suicide attempts last year. My son was almost without a mother. And worse, I had horribly ruined our relationship. Because he saved my life LITERALLY three times (we have no supports here, but do have two of my sisters who care, but don't know the depth of our circumstances, and who have their own lives) - because he saw paramedics pumping me and so on three times, he said to me last year I was dead to him, he didn't want to love me any more, I am just the woman raising him.

I do not feel love from any quarter in my life (estranged from my father, my mother suicided when I was six, my sisters are just people I know, who are family - and none too deeply - and I have no friends; as weird as that does sound, it is true) - however, I always hoped maybe, maybe, my son could love me. I did not feel love from him, but I hoped he could love me. Well, that killed that.

I really thought I would never drink again for life, when I left the hospital Friday, returned to work Tuesday TO KEEP MY JOB, TO KEEP MY FLAT, on Zyprexa, numb to life, living in darkness... but I did. Can you believe it - dumb, dumb human being - I did.

I have read that it's NOT a matter of discipline (not entirely, that is), which has answered SOMEthing for me. I was anorexic/bulimic in teen age, and had the discipline to not eat for days on end - WHERE HAD THAT DISCIPLINE GONE? Oh yeah, and then I would binge madly.

I am here now, this day for this to be THE day I do actually make it, I do actually make it. My son, now 16, said he is "over it" - me blacking out at night after fixing his dinner and doing the dishes. I admire and commend his personal intelligence, that he doesn't need to live with such patheticness. I really am glad he will not stand for it.

I did not raise my son 16 years, at great personal endurance (I CONTEMPLATED suicide often, those lonely days, working, no social joy, a sexual partner who only stole from me my last slivers of energy, as I allowed him to) - I did not raise him, to have it end this way. I want to help him get his L plates, to teach him to drive, to be feeling this is home, to feel safe, to do his VCE, to not think of mum, will she blank out tonight.

I am here, desperate. Very brave in print, not so in person - well, I spoke openly in person at that meeting, but couldn't return.

I want to say every day I am sober. I want to change, I do, I do. The ONLY thing is, what will I do, who can I turn to, when I have that mental preoccupation - drink, drink, drink? I don't know. I don't want it to hit me. I will log on immediately, I will read of others, I hope I can survive that.

In all my efforts these years, I have never lasted more than 3 nights. 3 nights was phenomenal. If I can, stranger to stranger, please hold my hand. I really need you, because you've been there.

I have been sober one day - Saturday
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Re: Thank you for existing

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:48 pm

What we have is a 3 fold illness. Mental obsession that tricks us into taking a drink after a prolonged absence or even a day or two combined with a physical allergy that kicks in after we take that first drink and finally the spiritual malady being restless irritable and discontented when we are in forced sobriety. That is powerlessness. So we work the 12 steps of AA to tap into the power that results because of that. Please stay connected. Read the book Alcoholics Anonymous try to see if you can identify with the disease concept and fine a sponsor and start working the steps.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Thank you for existing

Postby PaigeB » Sat Apr 21, 2012 11:53 pm

Hi Sherlock - my name is Paige and I am an alcoholic - and I have your hand.
WE have your hand.

Here is a link to that book avaneesh spoke of:

I drank through my son's life... he saved my life more than once... poured me into bed so often, and probably more than I can recall. One evening, I had watched my son walking out the front door & he turned to say "I love you" as we always did. I saw a look in his eyes but I only hesitated for a moment before I returned the words to him, "I love you too." We looked at each other more before he walked out. That was 2 and a 1/2 years ago.

I walked into an AA meeting and I have not found it necessary to take a drink since then. I listened to these people speak with the desperation of a drowning woman gripping a life ring. I did what they said because I did not want to die and leave my son alone and angry in this world. They said get a Big Book, get a sponsor, work the steps (they said they had never heard of a person actively working the steps get drunk). So I did those things and more - I also went to 90 meetings in 90 days. I called other women in the program instead of picking up a drink.

I found, very soon, what I had been missing all along: The ability to truly love and truly be loved. My son still lives with me and our relationship is REAL - it is no longer seen through the fog of alcohol.

Keep coming back to the forums. You can have what we have: a life that is happy & free from slavery to alcohol. Go back to that AA meeting - again and again. There are Promises on page 83 of the Big Book. I have found those in AA. This thing works. Grab a hold. We will be here.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link:
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Re: Thank you for existing

Postby ann2 » Sun Apr 22, 2012 9:50 am

Hi Sherlock. Great to have you here. We're all working to stay sober here, but most of us work smart, by applying the steps of sobriety.

Meetings aren't necessary (though I find them extremely useful, both in person and online) -- but the steps are.

We are afflicted by an illness that takes away our ability to reason rationally about our affliction. Thus the drinking despite the intention not to. Basically, in this area we are insane, until we find the relief that is embedded in step 2 in our own lives.

I need AA every day to maintain that sanity. And I'm also ready to use the other suggestions in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, because they've worked for me in the past.

It's a systematic process but one with results that defy description. I didn't believe they would work on me -- I thought I was too far gone. But here I am, saved from a sickness of mind, body and soul and able to feel joy and gratitude practically every second of my once benighted life.

There is a way out. It's in the Big Book. You can read it and more literature describing AA's program of recovery here

You've got nothing to lose, right?

"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada
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Re: Thank you for existing

Postby Marc L » Mon Apr 23, 2012 1:04 pm

Hello SherLock;
I'm Marc, I'm Alcoholic and you're welcome.
Indeed, your story is gripping and there there is much wreckage in your life...
Alcohol does that to people.
First and foremost for you is to get booze out of your life. Then you can begin mending the relationship with your son. The program of recovery offered by AA will help you with that.
You can start by reading the BigBook.

Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.
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