Back (Hopefully for Good)

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Back (Hopefully for Good)

Postby EPU » Tue Feb 20, 2018 3:10 am

Hello all. I've been telling my best friends here that I thought I've been drinking too much for months, and that I really think I shouldn't drink at all. So I took that as a sign that I really should do something about it, that and the fact that going for a few beers on Sunday turned out to be more than a few (classic story LOL). I'm an American ex pat living in Europe, and am very thankful for this site and its members as there aren't that many meetings where I live (I don't live in a big city). I'm not new to AA (and I joined this site a while ago when I last thought I was serious about regaining my sobriety), as I got sober in NYC and had many years of sobriety till I moved to Europe and decided I could drink like regular people - but of course I couldn't all the time. I've come to the conclusion that I'm on a very slippery slope, and I have no desire to hit the bottom I hit in NYC a long time ago to get me to recognize I have a problem and need to try and do something about it, and not drinking is what you do if you have a drinking problem. (I already feel better just typing this introduction of myself - the power of sharing). Thanks
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Re: Back (Hopefully for Good)

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Feb 20, 2018 4:56 am

Glad you are back and safe. Realize deeply that if we dont address the un-manageability part we will be kicked back into powerless state. One more realization we all should have is that this is not like graduation, we never graduate, this is an ongoing process until we have our mind.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Back (Hopefully for Good)

Postby Brock » Tue Feb 20, 2018 12:48 pm

No one likes to hear about a fellow member who had years of sobriety and then lost it, but it does help us to remember we are not ‘cured,’ and helps newcomers see that if these things happen we can return to the program.

Wishing you the very best on a smooth path to regaining sobriety, so many of these returns to drink seem to revolve around a weakening of our spiritual condition, that may or may not be your own reason, but I feel getting some idea of what part of the program you let slip would be most helpful. If you like please keep us informed about how you are getting along, as you know you are among friends here.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Back (Hopefully for Good)

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Feb 20, 2018 4:13 pm

Welcome back.
...a score card reading zero...
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Re: Back (Hopefully for Good)

Postby EPU » Wed Feb 21, 2018 1:04 am

Thanks all. It feels good to be back - the key is to keep it going.

As to why I started drinking again? Great question. I can only answer for myself, but doubt I'm unique in why I think I did. Not necessarily in order:

1. Arrogance, I thought I could. I've never gotten drunk every time I drink, and I thought "well, now I can control it all the time." Obviously was wrong, and from my history I should have known I was wrong, that over time the control becomes / became less and less, or certainly something I can't control. But we often fool ourselves regarding what we think we can control and what we actually can control. I should have known better, but convinced myself otherwise. And that is arrogance. And my arrogance was compounded by not going to meetings, not working the program (see 3 below).

2. Success. When I first got into AA, I thought I had to be somewhat unique, that I invariably drink to excess when things are going well, and alcoholics are alcoholics b/c they are drowning out their pains (perhaps not all, but many). But it was a view I was disposed of by reading the liturgy and attending meetings and being a part of the program. I'm hardly unique in anyway, I'm just an alcoholic. And I was in a very successful period of my life when I moved to Europe 5 years ago and that has continued. And I think the way my mind works is that "success" (of all types) is uncomfortable, so I'd drink to excess to make myself feel shitty and self-loathing - my natural state, my deserved state even. The better thinking me would just accept that I can be happy, in good health and enjoy life, but I'm not always the better thinking me, not always vigilant in guarding against that type of upside down thinking - good is bad and bad is good.

3. Not going to meetings (virtual or otherwise). At least for me, what I most like about meetings is the peer pressure. That might sound odd, but you meet all these people who are sober, who you truly believe will not drink that day, and that was (and is) very helpful to me in not drinking - I wanted to (and want to) be like them, not just simply in not drinking, but in the way they for the most part (not all) live their lives and the program. Peer pressure can be good or bad, and I believe that AA is the good kind. Perhaps another way of putting it is that by going to meetings we get out of our heads, we can be reminded that we don't always have the best ideas about ourselves, have our own bullshit be called, be reminded of what life is like drinking vs not drinking. I stopped going to meetings when I moved from NYC to LA (I moved from LA to Europe) b/c I could never find a meeting I "liked," tho obviously that is my failing and in hindsight perhaps I didn't want to like the meetings.

Those are my thoughts on why I thought I could drink and/or why I did drink again. Of all of them, I think the meetings thing, engagement, is the most important, b/c I think that is what would have kept 1 and 2 in check.

YMMV of course.
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Re: Back (Hopefully for Good)

Postby Shoreline » Wed Feb 21, 2018 4:10 pm

Welcome back and thanks for sharing some of the reasons why you drank again. I've been in and out of AA myself and it was very helpful to read your post and I definitely identified with it. I also have to learn to accept that sometimes things are going great, but it won't last forever. Also sometimes things are not going good, and this won't last forever either. Like the AA saying goes, "this too shall pass", good or bad.
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