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New to this

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 2:02 am
by Rabia86
Hello all,

I have been thinking about joining the AA for a long time. But I am not from a big town, it's hard to find meetings that match my schedule and I am not ready to tell my SO about joining the AA. I would like to keep it a secret, for now, and if possible, learn as much as I can online. Does anyone have any experience hiding meetings from their SO?

I try not to hide my drinking from him. And I have told him I think I am an addict. But he doesn't seem to take it seriously. Our work hours are a bit different, so what I tend to do is have my beers immediately after work, and get my buzz before he shows up two to three hours later. Sometimes I fall asleep from it, sometimes I manage to cook dinner while drinking, and other times I shower/brush my teeth and try to hide what I've done.

Yesterday was my first day sober for a while. I intend to stay sober today as well.

Thank you,


Re: New to this

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 3:49 am
by avaneesh912
My wife got cranky 2nd year into my sobriety reading all the stuff from Anti-AA web-sites and was bent on derailing my meeting schedule, fortunately my counsellor stood firm and then I found noon meetings where I worked and I would make it to a noon meeting, lunch at work desk. So everything went well. I didn't have to reveal all the details to my wife when she would ask how many meetings I go to.

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 11:26 am
by PaigeB
You can find AA online which does not require leaving the house. My experience was using this in addition to face to face meetings though - I think I needed face to face for so many reasons, but for 2 reasons: I needed to look these people in the eye and see they were telling the truth and I needed to look them in the eye and tell them that I did indeed have this disease of alcoholism. I do not think I would have stayed sober using AA online all by itself.
The list has different ways to communicate other than face to face like Email, Chat(text), Audio/Video, Discussion Forums (where you are now) & by Telephone.

To find Face to Face meetings anywhere in the world check this page. You might be surprised!

And keep coming here! I am sure more will be along to share their experience, strength and hope with you!

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 4:48 am
by Rabia86
Thank you PaigeB, I think that is important for me as well. Being in a room with others, and supporting them might help me support myself. It is just that, reading different stories, it doesn't seem like I have it that bad. Yet.
I know I am addicted, but I am not sure if people will think I belong there. That I am a lower class alcoholic or something. Not that I need to "impress" people with my issues, I just don't want to waste people's time.

Thank you Avaneesh912, I have discovered one early bird meeting I could go to before work once a week. How often do you actually go, and how important is the 90 meetings/90 days? This seems impossible at my location.

I have downloaded the big book and ordered a hard copy of it as well. Hoping to make a change before it's too late. I am currently at work, just had my lunch and am looking forward to my after work beers. I know that I will drink two, and most likely three beers, as I do every day. I tend to do stupid things (contact old flings, talk to random strangers, fall and hurt myself, lose things, black out) when I am out and about, so I try to stay home. Sitting in my couch, watching Netflix and getting my buzz before my SO comes home is something I look forward to every day. We recently bought a home, and I want to build a future and family with him. So scared I will need those beers after becoming a mother.

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:39 am
by PaigeB
I know you asked avaneesh, but I thought I would answer as well... I did 90 meetings in 90 days not because I was advised to do so - it is a sort of a treatment thing, like an aftercare suggestions. I did it because I was a daily drinker and therefore went to daily meetings for a while. I was also looking for a homegroup and a sponsor and I was told to hit a lot of different meetings until I found what I wanted and what times of day and which side of town I liked best. Where I live there are at least 5 meetings a day available from early birds to night owls.

Then after there were no options at night I checked in on some online AA. I went to a place called Step Chat until I found e-aa and fell in love with these 24 hours Forums! (e-aa has chat meetings too)

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 11:20 am
by Rabia86
Thank you PaigeB! Didn't mean to only ask Avaneesh912. New to the forum, don't know the ways! Does the @ work?
Daily meetings seem like the logical way to go forward. I wish I could sneak out of the house once a day for a meeting. My town basically has one meeting a day (except for the early bird one), and they are all around 8 in the evening. When there are no excuses. And my SO does not believe in abstinence...
In a perfect world, the meeting would be there the minute I got off work, so I could go there instead of my usual route through the super market next to my office, picking up my poison. But I am grateful for the Internet! Logging in during my work hours (hopefully the management isn't watching too closely) and also after work. Reading the big book pdf in bed. Hoping for a new life.

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 1:42 pm
by Noels
Hi Rabia and welcome :D sjoh hon, my hubby could smell me a mile away after only 1 glass of wine so either your other half's nose is blocked or he's making as if he doesn't know? It got to the point that he would just look at me and tell me ive had a glass of wine without even coming near me. He said my eyes looked different. Why do you want to be so secretive about wanting to come clean?
Love and Light
Noels xxx

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 11:53 pm
by Rabia86
Thank you Noels! Yeah I'm pretty sure he knows. He can usually tell by both my eyes and voice even after one drink. Can't even hide it over the phone.
I think I want to keep meetings and AA a secret because I want to do it on my own (I can practically hear the forum eye roll as I am typing this). I don't know. As a surprise maybe? To others, to myself. Not as hard a fall in case I don't succeed? I feel the need to get on top of everything before sharing it with people around me. This normally leads to not a lot of sharing.

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2016 12:28 am
by Noels
Heya Rabia :D I get what you're saying and feeling :D I must say however, that this time I decided to make it as easy for myself as possible BECAUSE I was tired of letting myself and everyone around me down. So I told the people who was important in my life that I was going to AA. I told them that I can not guarantee that I'm never going to drink again but I was going to do my best. Instead of judging and ridiculing me I got so much support from them which really made it easier for me to not drink in the beginning. I involved them in my journey of sobriety in the same way that I involved them in my drinking and by the Grace of God, the support of my loved ones and the teachings of AA I am still sober almost 10 months later. (there was the odd moment right in the beginning where it was " aah yes, you've said it so many times but those I just ignored. hehehehe in part because it was true but also because I decided that THIS TIME it is make it or break it. For myself. Nobody else)
I have learned that secrets - no matter how big or how small - tends to hold us back and I'm a bit worried that if kept a secret it will make it easier for you to slip that beer. Because your partner doesn't know that you are actually trying to stop drinking there is no accountability so it will be easier for you to justify in your mind with - oh well, it was just one beer and nobody knows so I don't need to feel too bad about it. The fact is YOU know. That's something else ive always believed in - I can lie to everybody but I can never lie to myself.
Think about it a little bit hon. Get clarification within yourself and yes, excellent idea to get some more information and knowledge at this time and I can honestly tell you that I learned a lot from being a part of this forum group. So welcome and I'm looking forward to be a part of your journey to sobriety :D

Lotsa love and Light
noels xxx

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2016 1:09 am
by Rabia86
Yes, Noels, it will definitely be easier for me to hide relapses if noone knows what I am trying to achieve... Not necessarily a good thing.
You guys have made me feel welcome here. Thank you for that. I will keep on reading and working on being honest with myself and others.

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2016 1:27 am
by Tosh
Rabia86 wrote:Yes, Noels, it will definitely be easier for me to hide relapses if noone knows what I am trying to achieve... Not necessarily a good thing.
You guys have made me feel welcome here. Thank you for that. I will keep on reading and working on being honest with myself and others.

Hi Rabia, when I first joined this forum (under a different name) I was pretty much the same as yourself. I didn't want to tell my other half that I wanted to stop drinking and go to A.A.. Why? Well I was frightened that I might fail to start with, so I just didn't want to have that discussion with her.

But the next day I did go to A.A. and I told Mrs Tosh where I was going. My step daughter didn't believe me though and she searched the house for my usual hiding spots where I kept booze. :lol:

However, the reality of the situation is that if you're an alcoholic, it will progressively get worse. Yes, okay, you might have brief periods when things appear to be under control, but in the long run - and this could be a decade - things will get bad. I bet when you look over your drinking career to date, you can see how it's progressed so far. Maybe it started out fun, with drinking only at weekends, then it spilled over into the working week, then it became every day. The amounts of alcohol you consumed would've generally increased also; often over a period of years.

Even if your drinking wasn't/isn't like that, it doesn't take a genius to work out what things are going to be like five-or-ten years from now. The sad fact is that alcoholism is progressive and often fatal, and it's not very glamorous either. I've seen how it ends with close members of my family; it's messy; maybe you have too? They progressed - often over many years - to that end-stage result.

I'm not saying this to frighten you; I'm saying it more to give you a little perspective on the seriousness of what being an alcoholic means. Telling your other half you're investigating your drinking by going to an A.A. meeting is no big deal in comparison.

Anyway, welcome to the forum.


Re: New to this

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 12:34 am
by Rabia86
Thank you Tosh, I really like the term you used there – investigating my drinking – that's what I am doing. And it sounds like something anyone around me should be able to accept without judgement.
I am not put off by your comment, as I am not easily scared. I know that I used to find it a bit glamorous drinking in the afternoon. It felt liberating, and a bit like showing my middle finger to people trying their best. (I have spent a fair share of my life trying my best)
But now, I don't feel that way about it anymore. And if I continue like this for five more years I will lose.

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 11:35 am
by PaigeB
When I was drinking I danced on table and much much worse. I did not care what folks thought! Like you, I LOVED drinking in the early afternoons with my middle finger to the world and later wine (adult juice) for breakfast ~ Which turned into wine with vodka in it for breakfast!

I would say I investigated that side of my drinking quite enough LOL. I thought no one really knew, but I found out that they knew WAY MORE then they let on - and at times they knew more than I did.

Investigating AA now - should get you at least 3 to 6 months around some different tables! :lol: :lol:

Sorry if my funny bone got tickled here... no offense intended! :mrgreen: