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New to e-AA

PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:08 am
by mollymunch
Hi everyone, I'm new to all this so just thought I'd tell you a bit about myself. I drank from a fairly young age & I loved everything about it, the taste, smell, the atmosphere of pubs & clubs but most of all how it made me feel. I always felt that I was going in the other direction to the rest of the world - I had the "ism" from early on. I was adopted, my parents were the age of others grandparents, my Dad was a social worker whilst everyone elses worked in local industry & as I got older I realised I was gay - I had "differentitis" ! I now know I'd have had this "ism" anyway. When I found alcohol I thought I'd found the answer to this, it became my best friend & the answer to my problems. Of course my friend turned on me. I'd make promises to myself like if I drink alone I'll stop, if I drink in the morning I'll stop, drink & drive I'll stop or drink at work (anaesthetic nurse) and I'll stop. They all came & went because I was horrified to find I couldn't stop. I became seriously ill - my liver was in a bad way, I was about 4stone underweight, hallucinating & having withdrawal fits. I knew I was dying but didn't care. During one of many drying out sessions in hospital 2 people came up from the AA meeting & I went - don't know why as I had no intention of quitting. God works in mysterious ways as something happened & by the time I was discharged I knew I had a desire to stop drinking and needed to get to a meeting. I got a Big Book, phone numbers, a sponsor who started helping me through the 12 Steps, a home group, started service (ashtrays, washing up), found a faith in a higher power that grew stronger every day & started on the most wonderful journey of my life. I didn't get my life back, I'd merely had a hellish existence before, I got a new life. The promises started to come true, I started to carry the message & to sponsor others. I absolutely loved my rich & varied life, ups and downs. BUT.......After 13 years of sobriety what I thought was the unthinkable happened - I drank again. It was very insidious - cunning, baffling, powerful & oh so patient. I now realise that for the last 18 months, I was on a dry drunk as this illness reeled me in closer and closer. I made excuses for not going to meetings, stop calling people, only told my sponsor what I thought she wanted to hear, stopped having a morning quiet time & eventually lost my faith in God. It was horrendous, even before I drank again. The inevitable happened, not with a couple of beers but straight back to 1 or 2 bottles of vodka a day. I used to say never min these "yets", I don't want the "agains", but the agains happened & a helluva lot of the yets. I reached rock bottoms I couldn't have imagined, only for there to be yet more. All the time I knew what I needed to do but pride & ego kept me out for 2 years until at last I surrendered again when the message was carried back to me, thank God. I'm 5 years now, one day at a time & I just keep it simple. I've cleaned house & trust in God, keep things in the day, carry the message, do service & try to be on good terns with my fellow travellers. I owe this wonderful but simple life to AA.

Re: New to e-AA

PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2016 9:05 am
by Reborn
Welcome to the forum...I know a guy who had 18 years of sobriety and went back out. He was a speaker a few months ago at one of the meetings I attend. He's 1 year sober now and his main message was that "relapse is not a part of recovery". He said he started to play the blame game again...stopped going to meetings...stopped talking to/helping other alcoholics...but the biggest thing he said he did is he let up on the daily maintenance of his spiritual condition. He said its laid out here in black and white on pages 86-88 in the big book.

It really is amazing how quickly we can get back into that ISM(I, SELF, ME) and how fast that can lead us back to the drink. I'm thankful that you were able to recognize these things in yourself and had the courage to walk back through the door...some folks cannot or will not. Thanks for reminding me that it doesn't get any better out there...and again welcome to the forum hope to read more from you.

Re: New to e-AA

PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2016 9:55 am
by Chelle
Welcome to e AA Molly. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me of what will happen if I stop doing what I need to do. It's good to have you here. It is helpful to all of us to hear stories like these!

Re: New to e-AA

PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2016 11:09 am
by PaigeB
I now realise that for the last 18 months, I was on a dry drunk as this illness reeled me in closer and closer. I made excuses for not going to meetings, stop calling people, only told my sponsor what I thought she wanted to hear, stopped having a morning quiet time & eventually lost my faith in God. It was horrendous, even before I drank again.

It is something I heard yesterday at a meeting of women. I heard it in different ways - one from a gal who is currently in that position! Scary place to be. In the end - I have to be completely honest with myself! No one can get in there and see my restless irritable and discontent - I am well practiced at hiding it.

Thank you for saying it so succinctly AND thank you for coming back to share what it was like, what happened and what it is like now. Your story will surely save the lives of other women. Keep sharing it! I have heard it in many ways over many years... please, keep coming and keep being honest with yourself. Alcohol remains cunning baffling and powerful no matter what we know or how long we practiced. I tend to think "I should be there by NOW" which is totally false and absolutely alcoholic thinking. I am glad I developed smart feet and those feet will get me to a meeting no matter what I am thinking!

AND welcome to e-aa! When I felt my program was sagging and I knew I needed to add something extra, it was quite apparent to me that I was not practicing much (if any) of Step 11. I knew I needed something DAILY and eventually I found the Daily Reflections here at e-aa. I haven't missed many a day since then! It has given me more than I would have ever guessed - as I usually find the rewards in AA!

You will find the e-aa Daily Reflection posting under our Closed Meeting section viewforum.php?f=52 - you have to re-submit your username to join... Let me know if you have trouble getting there! (I can't really remember how I got it done, but I know how to get you there from this end!)

WELCOME & KEEP COMING BACK! :D (((hugs)))

Re: New to e-AA

PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2016 1:18 pm
by ezdzit247
Hi Molly and welcome.

Congratulations on 5 years!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I identified with and related to your ESH, especially your insights on dry drunk syndrome and how it can creep up and take over an alkie's life without us even realizing it's happening. It happened to me at almost 2 years in. I never saw it coming and never thought it could happen to me. It's happened to several very dear AA friends who were there for me to welcome me back to meetings and then went out themselves a few years later. They never saw it coming either. They made it back to AA too and have never taken another drink since. Thank God for this one day at a time program.

Keep coming back.....

Re: New to e-AA

PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2016 1:47 pm
by Spirit Flower
Hi Molly keep sharing with us.
Thanks for your story

Re: New to e-AA

PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:23 am
by Hanna
Hi Molly
Welcome here. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hanna

Re: New to e-AA

PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:21 pm
by mollymunch
Thank you so much for the warm welcome to e-aa ! I need what we call "the whole package". There are times when I can't get to my F2F meetings because of another illness so knew I needed to put something else in place & found e-aa. During these times I make sure I talk to another AA on the phone everyday too. Having been back "out there", I know I must be VIGILANT. This disease wants me to drink & die but it wants me to suffer first. The 12 Steps of AA are the only thing that's ever worked for me.....& boy do they work when I work them ! My life is very simple, I'm probably worse off materially than I've ever been BUT I have everything I need AND I'm rich beyond measure in the things that I now know are important in life. Thanks to AA & the God of my understanding, I am sober today & have a spiritual tool kit that allows me to live life on lifes terms. I have the love, respect & trust of my family, a wealth of friends both in & out of the fellowship, a wonderful, wise sponsor, I am "a part of" not "apart from" and I have peace of mind. All this is priceless and down to AA & this wonderful fellowship.

Re: New to e-AA

PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2016 12:07 am
by tyg
Welcome to the forum Mollymunch, glad you joined us. Look forward to reading more of you. :)