Hello I'm new and I wanted to share my story so far

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Hello I'm new and I wanted to share my story so far

Postby Yielding2no1 » Tue Jan 19, 2016 8:36 am

(I'm sorry this is long)

Hello I'm an alcoholic. I've made it to day 3. I haven't made it to any meetings as of yet but I feel like I need to let this out since I really cannot confide in anyone in my life.

Just a bit about me. I'm 38 year old married mom. I wish I could say happily married but its not a horrible relationship. I've worked odd jobs but never kept anything past 5 years not due to drinking but lack of ambition/desire. I feel as though I'm just an observer of this life. Just doing what I need to get by in life.

I had my first drink when I was 14. I have a family history of alcoholism although a few family members still don't think they have issues when they drink 10 beers every day. Alcoholism is never discussed in our family unless something horrible happens (DUI etc). I started off drinking with friends. Typical social situations where I would basically drink until I puked. I don't remember a time when I just casually had 2-3 drinks and stopped. It always ended up being 8-12 drinks or until I blacked out or got sick. I never use to crave drinks and I can't say my cravings are terrible. I don't wake up and think I need one. My issue is once I have that first drink its all or nothing. I drink to not feel. Like most I crave a drink when something happens in my life I cannot control. If it upsets me, I need a drink. If I had an exhausting week at work, have a few drinks to relax. As you can see almost 2-3 times a month I would come up with a reason to binge drink.

The closest legal scare I've had in the past is that I almost got a DUI when I was 21. Being from a small town I got off with a warning. I never did drive while drunk again but that didn't stop the drinking. That was in 1998. That same year my fiancee and I split. It was a long distance relationship and we we're young. He wasn't happy that I drank and honestly when I was around him I never felt the need to drink. When we split that all went out the window and my drinking stepped up a notch. After a fun filled night of shots on St Patrick's day I landed in the hospital ER. I guess I blacked out on a friends bathroom floor and they couldn't wake me. I was just dismissed as some stupid college student who drank too much. Stick a banana bag in her then let her go after a few hours. That stopped for a little while when my mom had a chat with me. She had a long chat with me and said I'm throwing my life away. My Mom being divorced from an alcoholic who not only beat her senseless, stole money, jewelry etc just to pay for his next bottle of booze. So I listened. I didn't stop drinking but my binges where less frequent. I dropped out of college because I was too sick to attend most of the time. Then I met my current husband. We moved from the small town to a much bigger city, far away from any family and friends. Even now after being here 17 years I still feel out of place and isolated.

I don't want to say he's abusive but our earliest part of our relationship was rocky. I, being naive, wide eyed, thought maybe this is what love really is. I let him basically take control of my life, became submissive and stopped caring about what I wanted in life. The binge drinking stopped only because I didn't have access to money in our account. As time went on I got pregnant. Things got better relationship wise and drinking wise... or so I thought. I realize now looking back it just seemed like I kicked the booze because I had something more important to focus on... my daughter. I didn't have too many binge episodes while she was growing up. I still had special occasions here and there where if I drank, I still couldn't have just one drink no matter how many times I said to myself in the mirror "you will not get wasted".

My husband and friends (what little I do have) all see me as this fun loving party girl. Not too many even think twice about how much I've had to drink because no one ever sees the day after drinking. My husband has told me on a few occasions that he likes me sloppy drunk. "Oh hey lets go out this week so you can get shitfaced". "Why?" I asked, so he can have wild and crazy sex (which I won't remember anything about).

These past few binges have been terrible blackouts. I don't remember even leaving the bar. I'm sick of waking up wondering what I did, what did I say, who did I hurt. Sick of laying on a cold tile floor shaking, trying not to vomit. Even as I type this, Day 3, I'm still very nauseous but at least the shakes aren't so bad today. My body aches everywhere like I was beaten with a 2x4. The headaches and dizziness is a real pain as well. I hate knowing exactly what I'm doing is killing me but I'm unable to stop doing it once I start. I stopped caring about myself long ago and I resigned to the fact that I'm in a marriage where I think he loves me more than I love him. After the break with my fiancee in 98 I've just told myself so many times that love just isn't for me. Booze on the other hand was the cure all for getting rid of all these feelings. I don't want to feel and every time a little hint of remembering how I felt with him arise, I raised a bottle to forget.

I've just started calling it my poor excuse for a coping with life. I've done my fair share of shrinks. Like AA, shrinks only work if you want it to work. My problem now is that I know I need to change, I'm terrified whats going to happen and when I tell my husband I don't want to go out drinking anymore. I know he will get all pissed off like I told a child that he can't have a toy. It's hard to change when you've been in a rut for so long.

I found meeting places I can go to (if I get the courage up to get out of my car) during the day. I'm not ready to involve everyone in my life by saying "hey I'm a drunk". Do I even have to involve them? It is after all my life can't I just say, "no thanks I don't want to drink anymore" and leave it at that?

Anyways, thanks for reading.
Yielding2no1
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Re: Hello I'm new and I wanted to share my story so far

Postby ann2 » Tue Jan 19, 2016 10:41 am

Hi and Welcome!

So glad you're here :) thanks for posting.

You absolutely don't have to involve anyone and you can absolutely say just no thanks. I think it's a pretty wise plan of action in fact! I think the only real reason to involve anyone else is if you think your experience might be of help -- if they're interested in a way of living serenely without alcohol. Otherwise, it's quite all right to keep it with your A.A. friends only.

I don't go by the "have to be honest with hubby" proposal that I hear from some A.A. members. Not to start a fight, but my sobriety is more important than my marriage.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada
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Re: Hello I'm new and I wanted to share my story so far

Postby whipping post » Tue Jan 19, 2016 3:26 pm

Hi Yielding,

Your husbands reaction may surprise you. You never know. But he should be supportive as much misery as alcohol is causing you.

I don't involve friends or family in my recovery and AA. My wife and kids know and I attend a couple of meetings a week. It's not a secret but I don't go around advertising it. Like Ann if I thought it might help someone I would discuss recovery with them if they asked.
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Re: Hello I'm new and I wanted to share my story so far

Postby SWIT » Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:55 pm

Hello. I think that you have taken an important step and see that your drinking needs to stop. Sometimes in life, we have to be selfish. We have to take a step back and take of ourselves. I know that can a hard thing to do and I hope you find the support that you need. It is just one day at a time. There is a goal that you have but to be able to go to sleep at night and know that you got through today is an accomplishment. Thank you for sharing your story.
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