Just saying hi everyone

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Just saying hi everyone

Postby matt.d » Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:37 pm

Hi this is my first post i'm an alcoholic/addict...ive been sober now for a little over 11 month's and been in a relationship with my partner since i left rehab 12 yrs ago.
The thing is i'm torn and i mean, i'm tearing myself up inside as since i became sober ive noticed at just how horrible the life is that i created for myself.
i met my partner through a peer in rehab and yeah, i knew it was wrong getting involved in relationship but us acoholic's tend to think we know best for ourselves when we start getting well, if that makes sense to anyone^^^

Well i'm 38 and walked from rehab aft'er completing 1 and half yrs. I started working had the money and i wish i could say! lived happily ever after but it was destructive from the start...numerous relapses, the rest is history.

The thing is now i'm sober i can't help thinking what a mess my partners life was long before i met here. I was on the backend of a break-up and walked into her life and her kid's life like a knight in shining armour, i was so full of crap eh! I also have a 7 yr old son who i love very much but it pain's me to leave him but i can't continue to live with my partner as it's so chaotic and i want to leave...i crave that peaceful quiet life and the way she lives just ain't cutting it for me too much stress and headache.

i hope it makes sense to everyone what i wrote i just kinda need advice and be able to make the best decision for myself. I need to move on soon but i suppose i'm saying that i'm terrified of starting a new life for myself, when my family that i built through alcoholism is all i know.

regards to everyone matt:)

EDit i just jumped in head first sorry if this is the wrong section....
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby PaigeB » Tue Jun 30, 2015 1:40 pm

This is a good a place as any to jump in Matt! Welcome. Welcome very much. I am on vacation and on my laptop with spotty internet, but others will be by here very soon no doubt. Glad you found us.

Yoou did not mention whether you had a sponsor in this program or if you have worked the Steps. I did both and both were priceless when it came to dealing with relationship stuff. It is hard, but it is not TOO hard. Hang in there and work the Steps. If you do what we did you will get what we got... I got some measure of peace and I do comprehend the word serenity today.

It is a Promise - from page 83 of the Big Book. :wink: Keep comin' back!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby Brock » Tue Jun 30, 2015 3:15 pm

matt.d wrote:...i crave that peaceful quiet life and the way she lives just ain't cutting it for me too much stress and headache.

Hi Matt and welcome. I have experienced a couple of times since I got sober, where I had to make choices to protect my serenity. I will admit they were not as big as the decision you face, but they were things that would have put me in a much better financial position. I had to look at both sides, more money with a stressful job or continue my retirement with enough to get by. Like you I crave a peaceful quiet life and enjoy that even with less money than I could have.

I am sober a fair number of years and don’t think stress could lead to drink, but you seem a little more unsteady at eleven months. If there is a chance that continuing in this situation will lead to you relapsing I think you have little choice, you will be no good to anybody then.

It is a hard decision I know, sorry I can’t offer much help, perhaps you can post here and let us know how things are going, best of luck to you Matt.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby whipping post » Tue Jun 30, 2015 3:25 pm

Just wanted to say hello and welcome.
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby Duke » Tue Jun 30, 2015 3:44 pm

Welcome Matt. I had been married for several years when I came in the program, and my relationship with my wife was a source of stress and struggle for me and her for quite some time after embarking on this way of life. My experience says that's normal.

I know for me, it all changed when one of my more stabile friends suggested to me that I would never be sure whether we could have a good relationship or not, until I accepted that I couldn't force that to happen, and was prepared to accept the distinct possibility that it might not work out. For some reason, the words got through to me, and my attitude about our relationship changed.

Instead of demanding that she and the relationship constantly reassure me that everything was okay, I relaxed and took her and it for what it was and started making rational choices for myself. What I found was that we both have strong and weak points, but together, make a pretty good team. We're still married, many years later and support each other in many ways.

Try not to get too wrapped up in figuring out everything all at once. Focus on working the steps and practicing the program and see what happens. You might just be pleasantly surprised.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby Lali » Tue Jun 30, 2015 7:55 pm

welcome, Matt!
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby Niagara » Tue Jun 30, 2015 11:26 pm

Welcome Matt, good to have you here :)
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
Theodore Roosevelt
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby matt.d » Wed Jul 01, 2015 12:32 am

PaigeB wrote:This is a good a place as any to jump in Matt! Welcome. Welcome very much. I am on vacation and on my laptop with spotty internet, but others will be by here very soon no doubt. Glad you found us.

Yoou did not mention whether you had a sponsor in this program or if you have worked the Steps. I did both and both were priceless when it came to dealing with relationship stuff. It is hard, but it is not TOO hard. Hang in there and work the Steps. If you do what we did you will get what we got... I got some measure of peace and I do comprehend the word serenity today.

It is a Promise - from page 83 of the Big Book. :wink: Keep comin' back!


i did go to rehab-12 step program and i have many a bad time with sponsorship in aa and na....Na was the more recent, i had my sponsor's wife in the same meeting's i went to and i tried to go to meeting's she never attended but 9 out of 10 times...she turned was alway's there.
I also had to remember, that i was there for me! not her! but each time she shared, it was always about my sponsor and it was never anything positive.

She was a looker too and i had the secretary of the meeting getting very friendly with her and the rest is history... I couldn't tell my sponsor, what was going on could i?
Time and time again i asked for advice and was told by many in AA to stay out of it.

soooo i stopped going to meeting's in the end but i still work my program. It's not the greatest but i'm still sober, some day's i find it's tough but don't we all and can only make us stronger...i know my problem, with my issue and my family and it's me trying to get everything in it's place! in the hope of a peaceful quiet life but it ain't ever going to happen as we can't change anyone.

My other issue is my partner drink's every evening and rub's it in face and that to me, just ain't fair!!! so what do i do run out of the house and go to a meeting just because i'm finding it tough? No i don't i stand firm and experience it and i got through it and i'm still here:) many times but the big but is!?!?....Do i really have to argue with my partner about her to stop drinking or let her crack on...and let her believe that her drinking is her business and let her crack on with it?
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby Reborn » Wed Jul 01, 2015 6:19 pm

Its a matter of searching inside yourself and being completely honest about your situation. Are the times that are good worth the times that aren't? You have to remember that your sobriety has nothing to do with anyone else and expectations are resentments waiting to happen. The Big Book tells us resentment is the number one offender...to alcoholics these are POISON. My sponsor told me that until I worked the steps I should stay out of relationships because before the psychic change I'm still in the maninfestation of my disease. "Two sickies don't make a welly" he would say. Now I realize you are already in the relationship but as others have said if this is threatening your sobriety it deserves a strong honest look. You also said that you still struggle sometimes with not drinking...well I'm here to tell you if you follow this path fearlessly and throughly from the start that struggle will disappear. I'm sure you've heard it all before but this whole deal is about ACTION, ACTION, AND MORE ACTION...Faith without works is dead.
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132
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Re: Just saying hi everyone

Postby johnd » Fri Jul 03, 2015 6:43 am

Hi Matt Welcome,
I know about drinking girlfriend's. I have had my share in sobriety. Are you living with this girl? If so I would suggest that you seek other alternatives. The reason she rubs it in your face so to speak because she is struggling and hates to be alone in her alcoholism. You are not doing yourself or her any favors by being with her. I know the pain of separation. You should also seek other meetings maybe out of town if possible. That way you can get away from the distractions and worries about your sponsors wife... That is another issue that is between your sponsor and her what she is doing. Coming up on that 1st year and you have quite abit on your plate. Just take care of your own sobriety. that in it self is a big job.. Take care and glad you are here with us. John D.
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous
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