Drunk after a couple decades sober

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Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby Sloppy Stray Tulip » Tue Jun 16, 2015 9:07 pm

WHAT?!! And I don't even care right now. I was triggered and having bad flashbacks and couldn't get to my own space fast enough. Now at my home it still feels impossible. My options were to run away, destroy myself (cutting, clawing, burning, whatever worked), or just buy a few beers. I can't believe it. I've been going to meetings regularly. My God stuff is a mess. So that's something for me to work on. But I really can't end up back in ER and hospital. I was a deadly sort of alcoholic. Tonight it's just beer and some Smirnoff Ice. I can't continue this every evening I feel lost. It goes downhill for me so fast. I'll burn down my house, lose my job, lose my health. I need more help but I don't know who or how to ask. I'm especially sensitive to rejection. Past sponsor sort of disappeared on me. I don't trust the program. But I surely don't trust myself. Trust nothing...and that's scary.
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby Layne » Tue Jun 16, 2015 10:36 pm

Sloppy Stray Tulip wrote:I don't trust the program. But I surely don't trust myself. Trust nothing...and that's scary.
I have been betrayed in the past by trusting too much, but when I was drinking I lived in hell because I didn't trust enough.

It doesn't take much trust at all to begin to see positive changes.

Trust the program to work, if you work it. Trust that nothing will change if you don't. Put the beers and Smirnoff down and pick up the phone instead. Call the AA hotline.

I know that I can't stay sober, but I trust that we can and so far nothing has disproved that to me yet.
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby Niagara » Wed Jun 17, 2015 12:32 am

Hey there

You don't have to trust the program right now, you just have to be willing to trust, and grab it like you would a life preserver if you were drowning. Trust comes when you work it to the best of your ability, and find that things start to change.

Meetings don't get us well, and they don't keep us well.....it's the process of the steps that do that. When I started this journey, the only thing I could trust is that I was doomed, and I didn't know how to get out of it. Thankfully, AA did.

I tried in the past to just stop drinking. What I didn't realize was that alcohol wasn't really the problem, it was my solution to the way I felt inside. If there isn't a change to the way I feel inside, then I go back to drinking because it's unbearable to be in my own skin, and my mind just won't give me any peace. Once I take that first drink, the craving kicks off and I can't stop.

There is a solution. You don't have to have conviction that it's going to work, you just have to be willing to put the action in. For me, once I did that, God took care of the rest.

Best wishes
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
Theodore Roosevelt
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby Duke » Wed Jun 17, 2015 4:34 am

I've wanted to respond to your post since I first saw it, but wasn't sure what to say. I know your pain and despair are very real and I wish I had magic words to restore your hope.

Unfortunately, I don't. My experience has been that it is precisely the commitment you seem to lack that seems to be necessary to successfully surviving those times of crisis that accost us all from time to time in life.

The commitment I speak of is the willingness to keep practicing the principles and taking the action the program suggests even when I don't feel it. You say you're looking for something to restore your trust in this process before you re engage it and I've got nothing to give you that.

What I can give you is my experience that whenever I've sucked it up and kept doing what I knew I should no matter how tempting the alternative seemed at the time, I've always eventually found that trust again.

Pick up the tools again as quickly as you can. I fear for you.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby desypete » Wed Jun 17, 2015 5:02 am

i didnt trust anyone or anything either when i came into aa with nothing left, but one thing that was true for me is that my mind had been beaten, i could finally see and feel the drink had taken over my life, i was full of fear, no one wanted to know me, so i shown up at the doors of aa and people there not only wanted to know me but also wanted to help me

but i didn't trust them, i didnt think anything would work for me, hence they just kept it simple for me, all they suggested i do is to just keep on coming back, try 90 meetings in 90 days they said and then see how you feel at the end of the 90

well i had no job or anything else to do in life so i made a simple decsion i would take up that challenge of 90 meetings and do a meeting everyday, i soon changed my mind and started to do 2 or more meetings in a day, as it got me out of my flat and with people who were like me, my head found peace in those meetings, compared to the racing head i would have to live with stuck at home alone, so without me even knowing it i was started to trust the aa meetings as place for me to feel good

by the time the 90 meetings were coming to an end i had forgot all about doing 90 meetings in 90 days as i was now enjoying this new freedom i was experiencing so it kept me encouraged. in that time i had got a book given to me and all sorts of other aa literature, i was slowly starting to become converted to this aa way of life one day at a time

the trust i have today in all things in aa the program, my sponsor, the meetings, the whole package at aa i know fits me like a glove, i need it today in my life for my thinking and for direction.

i thought trust would just happen if i felt i like could trust, but for me it was a slow fading out of how i used to think and a slow waking up to me and reality

so ok today has been a bad day for you, but dont think that its, its the end as its not, just start again, dont worry about trusting just focus on what you can do today, like get to a meeting, find yourself a sponsor, do some reading, take some actions and in time you will look back and wonder why you didnt just do it in the first place as your trust will then be there in place as you come to believe in whatever you believe in

today i trust in many ways that i never used to be able to do but its taken a long time of working on me each and everyday and facing things that are dam painful in life, but i still kept on coming back and somedays that the only thing i get right
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby Tom S » Wed Jun 17, 2015 6:35 am

My experience, which is all that I can usefully share, is that I had to actually do certain things before I got any results.
For me, I could do it the AA way or the Tom way.
The Tom way kept me trapped.
Doing it the AA way changed my life.
It wasn't what I thought; it was what I did, I spite of what I might have been thinking.
It really isn't magic, it's work.
Do it and we live.
Don't do it, who knows.
Blessings
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby Brock » Wed Jun 17, 2015 8:45 am

Of course I also feel terrible about what happened to you, the good things we can take away from it, are the fact that stories like this serve to keep the rest of us ever on guard from becoming too complacent, and in my opinion what you say here –

I've been going to meetings regularly. My God stuff is a mess. So that's something for me to work on.


I think you may have diagnosed your problem spot on, I have become convinced based on personal experience, that without a strong spiritual connection I can’t face life without booze when some crap hits the fan, wishing you the very best for a speedy return to sobriety and serenity.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby Hanna » Thu Jun 18, 2015 7:43 am

I'm sorry for what's happening and I am glad you came here. You can figure this stuff out, once you put down the booze. Get busy,look for some new meetings to find a comfortable fit for a sponsor, do a new meeting a day for the next week. Take it one day at a time, may the next thing you choose to do set you on your journey back to sobriety. Sending prayers your way, you can do this, trust yourself.
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby D'oh » Sun Jul 26, 2015 1:37 pm

I doubt much that Sloppy is back or is coming back. At least he knows there is help and where to find it when he needs it.

I have just been through the same thing. Get away from meetings, handle it My way, for awhile. Look for a quick fix 1 night when everything was chaos, and it went from there to a nightly drinker, losing his job and his mind.

But losing my job has got me back to the program and the Fellowship, it has got me doing daily meditation and reflections, has got me into 90 meetings in 90 days, and living a little more 1 day at a time.

In walking back through the doors of AA, I was welcomed with open arms. No shame, no pity, just another member looking for help living in their own skin.

Listening to Speaker Tapes, many pointers and tips pop up like 1 today. "Alcoholism is divided 2 ways, 15% Alcohol, 85% Life"
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby ann2 » Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:17 am

D'oh wrote:In walking back through the doors of AA, I was welcomed with open arms. No shame, no pity, just another member looking for help living in their own skin.

Listening to Speaker Tapes, many pointers and tips pop up like 1 today. "Alcoholism is divided 2 ways, 15% Alcohol, 85% Life"


Thanks D'oh! great share. So glad you're here.

Ann
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Re: Drunk after a couple decades sober

Postby Hanna » Sun Aug 09, 2015 5:19 am

Welcome back D'oh!, glad you found us, I look forward to seeing you in the forums.
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