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Hello

Postby Katherine80 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 3:35 am

Hi everyone, I finally think I understand what I've 'got' as a result of reading on here, reading the AA Big Book, thinking about my drinking behaviour and the build-up mentally before drinking / not being able to stop,
having done shameful things that are against my principles, went to first appointment this week at an alcohol clinic - signed up to a programme there (one to ones, meetings), and going to start going to AA meetings.

I've always felt like I'm a bit different, perhaps that there was something 'wrong' with me - no one gets this, but I think you might get it. Always got good grades, went to uni, got a good job, married - all ok to the outside world. I'm 32, have known I've had an issue with alcohol since I was 17. My marriage ended six months ago (both drinkers - I tried to sort myself out several times but he always said 'people like us need booze in our lives' - not conducive to recovery and won't admit he has a problem drinking). Sad but totally the right decision.

So 'cured' of the marriage, six months later I've drunk more bottles of wine than I care to think about, got into some hairy situations - all with everyone saying 'you're doing so well' (as in about the marriage break-up) - ha, if only they knew!

I could go on for hours and hours on here - in a good way, just because I feel like I've found what I've been looking for for God knows how long. I had a spiritual experience last year which changed me - it gave me the strength to leave my marriage. I believe in this. I am so determined to kick this before I ramp it up even further and ruin my future. I want to feel 'safe' with myself.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for all being so honest. I feel like I've found some kindred spirits in this.

Katherine x
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Re: Hello

Postby becksdad » Sun Jan 20, 2013 3:50 am

Hi Katherine, and welcome to the forum! We are happy you're here! My name is Ed, and I am an alcoholic. Yes, you will find kindred spirits here, and at face to face meetings, too. Through this program I have found it unneccessary to drink one day at a time for 2 1/2 years now, and life keeps getting better from the inside out. You, too can have this, as attested by the many, many people in AA who have walked the same path.

Keep coming back and sharing your experience, strength, and hope with us! We need you, as we get better together!

In Fellowship, Ed
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Re: Hello

Postby Katherine80 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 4:12 am

Hi Ed,

Thanks for your reply - two and a half years is immense well done - I'm looking forward to being able to say that, and for the first time in ages I'm feeling positive about the future.

I haven't followed up the spiritual path since my experience last year - purely because I thought I'd solved the 'problem' by ending my marriage, however now I think there is another message in that, so interested in how to pursue and embrace this (without getting scared about 'the unknown'!).

In other news, it's snowing and I'm drinking tea and eating porridge :-)

Katherine x
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Re: Hello

Postby johnd » Sun Jan 20, 2013 6:55 am

Hi Katherine and Welcome!,
As you can see a lot Experience,Strength & Hope here... So Welcome aboard... Please keep coming John D.
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous
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Re: Hello

Postby ann2 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 7:32 am

Welcome, Katherine! Congratulations on wanting something more and following up on your spiritual experience. I'm glad you found us and I hope to read more of your journey. Hello from Sweden where it's yes snowing again. God grant me the serenity . . . from someone who still can't get over that plowed roads means flattened snow.

Ann
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Re: Hello

Postby Katherine80 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 7:35 am

Hi John D & Ann.

Thank you, this has made me feel a bit more 'normal'!

I am so sad that my marriage had to end because of alcohol (debt/shouting/threats). I tried to sort myself out, I manage all the finances, I also signed the joint debt things, enabled / encouraged / dismissed his advice / turned a blind eye / lied / made excuses for him and myself, the list goes on and on and on.

Now I'm on my own there is nothing to blame or excuse for my drinking. I was suicidal in April last year because of my drinking, his drinking, exhausation from trying to make everything ok and better, but just being in a never-ending cycle. Then it got quite nasty, then I had to end it.

I first emailed AA four years ago but didn't follow up. Last year three doctors told me to ring the alcohol clinic. I went through my sent emails and three times last year I emailed AA about attending meetings.

It's time. Thank God.

Katherine x
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Re: Hello

Postby Patter » Sun Jan 20, 2013 8:04 am

Hi, I'm Patrick and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome. Glad you're here. I couldn't fight my alcohol consumptio. I tried to set limits of quantity, type, or location but it seemed my mind turned into an excuse factory and I couldn't follow through. Eventually it gave me permission to only drink on days that ended in 'y.' So alone, I had no defense. My mind worked on me til I got the first one in me and some screwy wiring in my body took it from there as craving poured more in me. I 'ended up' at AA, which some view as the last effort before death or asylum. I heard people talk of this WE program and act like it mattered that I was there and that I was worth saving. What a difference it made to have a little willingness on my part to make some changes with their help and experience. Here I am 7 1/2 years later and not finding it necessary to take a drink through unemployment, foreclosure and utility shutoff notices. Yesterday my dad who is 86 was rushed to the hospital and the consuming thought has been how soon I can get there to be with him and my mom, which is quite a bit different than how I used to think-- " I need something to numb the pain."
Keep us up to date, read the BB, go to meetings, get and use a sponsor, and check in with a god of your choice to say 'please help' in the morning and 'thank you' in the evening. Don't give in to the voice in your head telling you to drink 5 minutes before the miracle happens. Thanks.
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Re: Hello

Postby Katherine80 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 8:59 am

Hi Patrick,

Thank you for your sheer honesty, it's so refreshing to hear your story, I can relate to a lot of it (changing drinks, people, locations, days, amounts etc etc etc). I'm glad I'm here too. I'm glad you're here too. I'm glad everyone is here!

Well done on everything, amazing and inspiring. I hope your dad is ok.

I'm going to go to a meeting this week and I will say the morning and evening prayers. I'm nearly 72 hours in. With regards to a sponsor do you know if I can do this at a meeting? Or could / should it be the one-to-one counsellor?

Thank you for sharing and supporting,
Katherine x
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Re: Hello

Postby Katherine80 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 9:15 am

Plus, the irony is that I don't even like red wine!

Nor the ten pints of Guinness and blackcurrant that I replaced it with (followed by just that one glass of red wine to knock myself out properly).

Ridiculous.
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Re: Hello

Postby ann2 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 9:40 am

Hi again Katherine, congrats on setting up the meeting! Well done!

AA sponsors are just regular AA members who assist others who want help taking the steps of recovery. I personally would recommend asking a member of the meeting you are going to, if anybody (female who has taken the steps) is willing. I know many of us have had trouble finding one so if there's no one who qualifies at this meeting, check at the next and the next. And you can make your interest in finding a sponsor known as well.

You can also ask this question of the alcohol counselor -- but for me, having a sponsor who went to meetings near me, and who belonged to the same home group as me, was a huge plus as far as making me feel involved in AA.

Big hugs!

Ann
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Re: Hello

Postby Katherine80 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 9:46 am

Thank you Ann :-) xx
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Re: Hello

Postby Mike O » Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:44 am

Hi, Katherine, and welcome to the group. Your posts are wonderful - open, honest acceptance of your alcoholism. Like you, it took me a long time to admit to myself I was an alcoholic. After all, admitting it to myself would mean I would have to seek help and would have to stop drinking.....geez, I didn't want to have to stop drinking!!!! So, I pretended that because I'm Irish, it went with the territory, part of my character, so to speak. Then I convinced myself that it was my "artistic temperament"...I mean, after all, look at Dylan Thomas, Brendan Behan,....and on and on and on....until 5 yrs or so ago I saw loss of family, loss of job, loss of house, loss of everything I had looming up ahead if I didn't grow up a little and get honest with myself.

Now that you've begun the journey to sobriety please begin working the steps as suggested in the book ASAP...not next week or when a sponsor says it's OK to do so...but, immediately. Going to meetings is wonderful but, begin the steps. Get yourself a sponsor to help if necessary, but...do it. The steps alone ARE the A.A. programme and WILL work if you work them.
And, stick around.

Mike :D
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Re: Hello

Postby Katherine80 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:28 pm

Hi Mike,

Thank you for your message and honesty! Yes I will write it
-
My name is Katherine and I'm an alcoholic.

NOW I want to stop drinking. I didn't before, I liked getting shitfaced to get away from (....what? myself?). Now I just never want to wake up with that feeling again. Like I'm totally out of control. I'm not in control of it - like the BB says - I can't live with it, I can't live without it - I've concluded I'm powerless - I give up - I hand myself over to the 12 Steps and I started last night.

At least if I get hit by a bus tomorrow I'll know I tried!

Got blood tests tomorrow to check if / how much damage I've imposed on my temple.

In other news, I'm eating chicken soup and making a meringue!

Katherine x
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Re: Hello

Postby Mike O » Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:51 pm

I can tell you mean business, Katherine. Well done.
:D
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Re: Hello

Postby Katherine80 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:51 pm

ONE more thing at the moment. I'm under no illusion about this 72 hours I've just done. Been there, done that a million times.

The difference is though this time I reckon I'll be caught drink driving one morning soon if I don't stop. To me that would mean losing my job (I work 60 miles away in, wait for it - road safety - at, wait for it - a roads policing unit!).

Especially over the last 12 months I know I've driven over the limit. I spend my 'sober' work hours talking to people about speeding, drink driving, using a mobile phone. What a hypocritical arse.

If I got done for drink driving the shame would be the worst thing (unless I killed someone, and then obviously I'd prob just throw myself off a bridge), I'd lose my job, therefore my house, a home for my cat. I'd have to go bankrupt as I couldn't keep up the debt repayments.

Um, yeah, and I KNOW this is going to happen if I pick up another drink. I'm lucky that this hasn't already happened.

Not the future I want to envision.

I think that's it for a bit - ramble ramble!

Katherine x
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