Re-Tread

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Re-Tread

Postby MikeAB » Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:38 pm

Hello, I'm Mike.

I've been reading posts for the last few hours and finding them very useful so have decided I should contribute something.

I've been in and out of AA for about 7 or 8 years. I've had varying lengths of sobriety. 2 1/2 yrs, 1 1/2 yrs, 3 mths and now for just 9 hrs. I've been on a 3 week bender. I awoke at 6 am this morning and it's now 3 pm.

I think I know what I've been doing wrong, but I'm probably just wrong again. I haven't worked the program, haven't been entirely honest with myself (it's so hard being honest with myself if I don't know I'm not being honest?). Have tried to hang on to old ideas and not been willing to ... I don't know, I could go on and on so I'll just stop there.

I got down on my knees and prayed for the fist time ever this morning, even though it felt silly. I just feel so desperate.

I've got to go to the doctors now so I'll leave it at that.

Oh, and thanks everyone.
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby Tommy-S » Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:52 pm

Welcome Mike..

I remember a fellow in early sobriety who used to say, "If you got options, you're in the wrong place."

For me, it was only after I ran out of options, and got the Gift of Desperation, was I willing to give myself to this Simple Program.

I didn't go as far down as some, but I did reach that point I did not want to see how much further I could push my luck... I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and willing to do whatever it took to get what they had... AA worked.

"If there is breath, there's hope", but no one one can do it For us... Though we find all kinds of help to do it With us.

There's strength in numbers, friend. If you got face to face meetings where you are, get to them. And keep us posted, too.

Thanks for sharing... Tommy
Together, we don't have to cave in or wimp out to that Fatal First One, no matter what today!
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby MikeAB » Mon Nov 26, 2012 10:22 pm

Thanks for the welcome and advice Tommy.

I'm just back from the doctors and have been prescribed a low dose diazepam course over five days. They're only 2mg tablets to be taken every 6hrs for 2 days then tapering off for the last 3. The alky in me was hoping for more but I guess it only having been a 3 week spree I don't need much to keep me safe from any adverse withdrawal symptoms, if any.

I've got a meeting to go to tonight in a few hours, which I'm kind of anxious about - seeing the regulars and feeling like a failure. But I'm also looking forward
to it, as I know that is where there is hope. Hope for a better life.

I think in my heart I truly know what I need to do. But I've been too afraid. I do know one thing though - I have to go to meetings, and "keep coming back". Every time I've drifted away and stopped going to meetings, I soon picked up again.

Not at all looking forward to later on tonight. I'm not expecting much sleep.

Well, 12 hrs since I woke this morning and I haven't had a drink, nor have I wanted one. Maybe there is something to this prayer thing?

Anyway, thanks again,

Mike.
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby ann2 » Tue Nov 27, 2012 1:52 am

Welcome, Mike and congratulations. Great to read you. Hope to see more of you. We need you.

ann
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Nov 27, 2012 6:14 am

I have to go to meetings, and "keep coming back". Every time I've drifted away and stopped going to meetings, I soon picked up again.


At least this time try this: Find a sponsor and start working the 12 steps and then keep going to meetings and help others after awakening.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby Hanna » Tue Nov 27, 2012 1:05 pm

MikeAB wrote:... feeling like a failure.
Not at all looking forward to later on tonight. I'm not expecting much sleep.
Mike.

Hi Mike, welcome back. Keep in mind-YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS AGAIN-. Go to your meetings, keep praying and take the steps. I wish you well.
Hanna
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby johnd » Wed Nov 28, 2012 7:45 pm

Hi Mike,
You finally got down on your knees and asked for help Congratulations. I scoffed at that notion too in the beginning I had no idea to who or why I was asking to help me, I was told to just do it because it works. So continue getting on your knees and pray for help and also Thank at night for a day of sobriety no matter how bad it was. Good to have you with us Keep Coming and this time get in AA don't sit on the sidelines and wait for something to change you have to make it happen, and we are here to help you along . John D.
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby MikeAB » Thu Nov 29, 2012 7:54 pm

Thanks again every one.

Well things have changed somewhat. Through facing either death or complete insanity I was forced to be willing. Not only willing to believe but willing to let go of old ideas that were preventing me from believing. The trouble I had was that I kept trying to think my way to Faith. Eventually I just had to accept that there is something about life that can't be explained, and to allow myself to experience how that feels. I have gone through a process and experience that I cannot fully explain with words, or even understand. Some people would explain it as just a result of something happening in my brain. But, because my life depends on it, I choose to believe otherwise.

Much love.

Mike.
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby Tommy-S » Thu Nov 29, 2012 8:12 pm

Good Mike,

And who cares 'why' if it is for the better. There is one thing we share, and that is I can not think my self into right acting, but I Can act myself into right thinking... that's what I found through AA & the steps... Best to you :)

Tommy
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby ann2 » Fri Nov 30, 2012 2:38 am

MikeAB wrote:But, because my life depends on it, I choose to believe otherwise.


Mike, thanks so much for sharing. That's what happened to me, too. I don't regret it one bit.

Big hugs,

ann
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby Sally » Fri Nov 30, 2012 4:24 am

<<<<<think I know what I've been doing wrong, but I'm probably just wrong again. I haven't worked the program, haven't been entirely honest with myself (it's so hard being honest with myself if I don't know I'm not being honest?). >>>>

self honesty is something entirely different than truth and check book honesty- i believe- We are not born with it- my disease powerfully convinced
me that it was ok- it was good- to drink like i did, that i wasn't hurting anyone, that my erratic behavior was normal . i had to be here in AA
for awhile-listening to all of you living sober lives-- before i began to understand the difference- and began to be able to look in the mirror and say NO- this
is not all right. self honesty takes work.
Sally
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Re: Re-Tread

Postby Hanna » Fri Nov 30, 2012 5:21 pm

MikeAB wrote:... I have gone through a process and experience that I cannot fully explain with words, or even understand.
Mike.

Go with that feeling, I did 5 months ago and have remained sober. That was the first time I truly surrendered and had faith that my life really could turn around and it has already begun, not as fast as I'd like, but it's so much more peaceful without the remorse of another drink.
Stay with us, we're all here to help one another. Keep posting,
Hanna
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