Re-Intro

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Re-Intro

Postby littlered2 » Mon Oct 08, 2012 8:52 am

Ok everyone... I'm going to try this again. Starting over. Fresh beginning.

I am Little Red. I am an alcoholic (that's the first time I've ever written that I think!) I am a binge drinker and am very good at faking not being drunk. I like to drink wine and margaritas because they are fancy and fun - definitely worship the "social" aspect of drinking and have surrounded myself with people who do the same. I have a great family and a home and a job so I am very VERY fortunate and I hope to not lose any of these because of stupid drinking. My mom was (is) an alcoholic and she had some really rough angry years. She has since become sober - I think she still drinks on the weekends sometimes? - and is her wonderful loving self again.

If you've read my other posts you know I'm afraid to get started. I'm afraid to tell my friends I'm doing this and I worry my family will know about my lies.
No Day But Today
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Re: Re-Intro

Postby Hanna » Mon Oct 08, 2012 10:27 am

Welcome back Little Red.
7 years ago I could have written your post. Happily married, 2 great kids, a nice house in a nice friendly neighborhood, good job, plenty of friends, nice car. I was great at hiding my drinking, my drinking character was becoming the real me, one drink at a time.
Here I am now, lost my job and my license and my car. Almost lost my family, they knew the difference between the drinking character and the real me. I only thought I was good at hiding it, they always knew, the only one I fooled was myself. Over time I lost contact with family and friends due to fear of what I said when drinking, waking from a black out was so horrible I would immediately drink again to numb the pain. I was not living the life I had dreamed of and I was tired of the nightmare I was living. When I admitted that my life was not what I wanted, I surrendered.
If you truly want to live the life you always imagined then surrender and begin again. Take it one hour at a time for now. Just put off that fatal first drink for a few minutes, focus on the life you want to have, imagine it.
By surrendering and accepting the fact that I have an allergy to alcohol and knowing the consequences of just one drink--the craving will return and I will once again be at it's mercy--, I have been able to remain sober. I had always felt I could have just one-but it always ended up with me drinking until I passed out and then waking to the horrors.
By listening to the vetrans here and at meetings I know that I am not the only one who felt I could control it. Many have tried only to be beaten back into a trembling wreck, if they survived. I have no desire to ever go back to being that person again. I have not had a drink in 113 days and my life is already becoming better. I am doing it one day at a time and it has turned into 4 months of sobriety. I am happier than I have been in years. I wish this for you too. Stick around here, there is so much support waiting for you.
Hanna
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace
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Re: Re-Intro

Postby littlered2 » Mon Oct 08, 2012 11:52 am

Your comment about your "drinking character" really hit home. ("my drinking character was becoming the real me, one drink at a time...") Weird that we can each be too people all smooshed together inside this crazy contraption we call a brain. I'm going to tell that Drinking Little Red to go to H***! I'll keep this little comment in mind when the urge strikes. It's like a bad friend who you can't help but hang out with even though you hate her guts.
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