Just found e-AA Group

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Just found e-AA Group

Postby miker62 » Sat Jul 14, 2012 5:39 pm

Hi Everyone - My name is Michael and I had no idea this forum existed until today. On Friday July 6th, 2012 I had been sober 122 days. That was the day I fell off the wagon, but luckily it only lasted 5 days, and not 5 months like the previous time. The scary part was that I drank the amount - 1 liter of Stoli per day for those 5 days - as I had every day the previous 5 months before going to rehab and collecting the 122 sober days. I know that I cannot drink and I'm sure this last time, had I not stopped, I would most likely not be around long. Another scary thing was this last time, I had never felt worse than this past Weds when I called the rehab center and had to detox again. Luckily, with the help of Clorazapate, I'm just about back to feeling normal again - no more shaking or sweats. The main culprit for me was cutting back my AA meetings, until I stopped going altogether - yet in my group meetings at the center I was being dishonest and saying I was doing my agreed upon AA meetings per week - 5. I had been attending 8-15 outside meetings per week prior to 6/1, in June I attended only 2 AA's with the last one being 6/20. I had also stopped seeing my counselor at the start of June. Anyway, I'm glad to be back with AA and I'm really glad I found this site today - now I have another tool to help keep me sober, in addition to live meetings. I restarted attending my AA meetings yesterday with 3 meetings and today with 2, I know I need to go every day, at least to one meeting, to constantly remind me. The worst part is having to raise my hand as a newcomer, but that will end soon enough. I'm grateful that I'm back on the road to recovery and I didn't go out for longer than I had. Today, just knowing I'm "only" 4 days sober sounds like a pretty great accomplishment to me.
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Re: Just found e-AA Group

Postby PaigeB » Sat Jul 14, 2012 6:03 pm

Welcome Miker! Glad you made it back! I am convinced that if I went back out I would never make it back in, that I would die drunk, so I am truly glad you are here and that you found e-aa in the vastness of the www! It is a statistical miracle!

You said:
The main culprit for me was cutting back my AA meetings, until I stopped going altogether - yet in my group meetings at the center I was being dishonest and saying I was doing my agreed upon AA meetings per week


Some people will tell you that meeting makers make it, and I DO go to a lot of meetings, but I heard you say "I was being dishonest" and I think that if it was me, being dishonest, having that dishonesty IN me, (you said "at the center")
I think I would drop off from meetings too! So, for me honesty was a BIG part from the beginning. I can tell you H.O.W.

Honest
Open
Willing

I will also tell you that I have found having a sponsor and working the Steps with a sponsor is invaluable to me... I could not have done it without my sponsor - they say: you can't fix a broken tool with a broken tool, so I needed her brain too.

I started with being willing to be willing, I went to a lot of meetings, both online and face to face (f2f), and I got a sponsor who had worked the Steps and was willing to work the Steps with me. I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since August 1, 2009. I like to think that is a statistical miracle too - one day at a time.

Glad you are here.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Just found e-AA Group

Postby miker62 » Sat Jul 14, 2012 8:15 pm

Thanks Paige - Honesty really is the core of remaining sober. I was very honest at the beginning, then the dishonesty started creeping in. When I had no repercussions, and I remained sober, it was as if I had somehow beaten my alcoholism. It's a vicious and cunning disease, and I should have known better - I should have known the signs and that I was falling into the trap. I'm going to try and be very aware and not fall into this same cycle yet again. I did have a sponsor, when I mentioned not seeing my counselor in June, I had really meant sponsor. My counselor at the treatment center is giving me 4 weeks to find another sponsor, and luckily I already have someone in mind at my home group, I just need to have a conversation with him. My previous sponsor only wanted to be texted the day before we were due to meet, just to confirm I'd be there. There were 3 instances where he cancelled at the last minute, by text, when I was at literally on his doorstep for our meeting and that should have been my red flag that I should find another sponsor - but he was making my step and study work simple for me like "This is easy, AA is easy - I barely have to do anything". My committment with my rehab counselor now is 7 AA's per week, attending both group sessions per week at rehab and honestly participating in discussion - even uncomfortable subjects for me, collecting 10 names and phone numbers of home group members to call if I feel a weakness or trigger, and call or text one sober friend per day to keep in contact and not isolate. Also exercise, eat better, etc - the normal. I swear this is going to work because I'm doing everything I'm told and suggested to me, since I obviously don't know a better way.
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Re: Just found e-AA Group

Postby ann2 » Sat Jul 14, 2012 11:53 pm

miker62 wrote: I'm doing everything I'm told and suggested to me, since I obviously don't know a better way.


You are singing my song, friend. Thanks so much for sharing here, your story has really got me to think. About why dropping off from meetings is a danger signal -- excellent way to put it, since meetings don't keep us sober -- but the DO provide the atmosphere and encouragement for a sober way of life, which is hard to be around if I'm not willing to put in the effort of following the program.

Thanks also to Paige, because she brought up the same feeling I have, that I wouldn't make it back. And why is that? Am I being negative? No, I think I'm just letting my alcoholism be what it is to me, the most destructive force I know. I'm respecting it, in a way, and accepting that I can't control it.

I've known many people come back and their experience was the same -- they felt worse. It was harder. Perhaps I can't imagine feeling any worse or having it be any harder than what I knew when I got here. This despite the fact that things really were made easy for me -- a great first meeting experience, lots of time to get to meetings, a wonderful home group nearby. I felt so sorry for myself! and yet I had it so good.

Anyway my idea is that as long as I am useful to my higher power, maybe I won't have to go back out there. So that's my motivation for going to meetings, to see where I can be of service. Is this a condition of my sobriety? It's probably not exactly quid pro quo, but like your indication of falling off from meeting attendance, it's a good barometer of my insurance against picking up again.

Glad you're here, hope you understand how grateful we are that you made it!

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada
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Re: Just found e-AA Group

Postby Mike O » Sun Jul 15, 2012 1:56 am

Hi Michael, and welcome to the group.

Work the steps my friend, every day. You'll never have to drink again. It's that simple.

-Mike :D
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Re: Just found e-AA Group

Postby miker62 » Sun Jul 15, 2012 4:16 am

Thanks everyone for all the support and great advice. I'm up early this morning to get to my home group at 6am and may stick around for the 7am Big Book meeting, then off to work. I can't think of a better or more productive way for me to start the day. I'm also planning on sharing at both meetings because sharing sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but I always feel good afterwards - and my counselor strongly suggests I raise my hand at each meeting. Have a great day everyone!
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Re: Just found e-AA Group

Postby PaigeB » Sun Jul 15, 2012 11:00 am

I also want to thank you Miker! Because when I am dishonest with my self, even when there are no immediate or visible consequences, I am harming myself. Thanks for the reminder!

Keep coming back and let us know how it is going. You are welcome to register for e-aa's closed meetings and join us every day in the Daily Reflection.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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