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upside-down

Postby princessofsubtlety » Sun Jun 24, 2012 6:57 pm

My name is Alexis and I am an alcoholic. I have been dry for 25 days and craving daily. I was not a real alcoholic until this afternoon, when I first realized I truly am powerless.

I was forced into a program in my early teens and, while I learned the Steps and applied the program in nearly every area of my life, I didn't even need convincing that I wasn't an alcoholic...I knew I wasn't. 16 years ago, I parted ways with my 5-year dry spell, but was never a "drinker". Meaning that I only drank very rarely, sometimes squeezing nearly two years between drinking nights. I never thought much of it...just blowing off a little steam very infrequently...no big deal.

26 days ago, I had my first blackout and lost 16 hours of time that I know I was awake and communicating with people. I discovered I had done a bit of minor damage to an important relationship and made the decision to never pick up another drink. This has been the most difficulty I have ever had staying dry, as I have been craving a drink and shaking daily in the absence of alcohol. This only strengthened my determination. Then, this afternoon, an old friend got in touch and I had a rude awakening.

It turns out that, over the last 12 years, every single time I have picked up a bottle I have been blacking out and going on destructive tirades, throwing damage in every imaginable direction. Some of the things I read today were unbelievable to me. If I didn't recognize myself in the tone and structure, I would not have recognized the person uttering such horrible things. Had I not had that encounter today, I could have worked the program for years and never really understood the extent to which this addiction has damaged me and the people I care about. I, who pride myself on truthfulness as a rule, discovered today that I am a belligerent, vicious, and sometimes sadistic liar.

This revelation has turned everything in my life on its head and I realized I am an alcoholic. I am powerless. I cannot do this alone.
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Re: upside-down

Postby ann2 » Sun Jun 24, 2012 8:28 pm

Welcome, and thank you for sharing about your friend's information. I've also heard things about my behavior drinking that I hadn't remembered. I guess I'm lucky I have the few memories I do of briefly coming out of a blackout to find myself giving a cop the finger, or being dragged around during a party. Nobody else have ever mentioned these events to me, so I can only imagine what else there is.

Good to hear you, and thanks for being here.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada
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Re: upside-down

Postby jakpar » Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:38 pm

welcome to eAA Alexis!
Jack

"We are of service by accepting responsibility for the authority God has given us and by respecting the authority God has given to others"
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Re: upside-down

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Jun 25, 2012 9:14 pm

I am powerless. I cannot do this alone.

But there is a Solution. Working the 12 steps of AA we achieve what we call it a spiritual awakening or experience, with which we have a different outlook toward life and lead a serene life without booze. What a blessed program AA has offered to alcoholics.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Hi princessofsubtlety

Postby Diggs » Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:39 am

I did not come to the realization that I was an alcoholic easily either. I fought long and hard to try to control my drinking but could not. Sounds to me that you might have hit bottom, which is a good thing. One thing about bottoms, we all have to hit one if we are going to get sober. Find a home meeting, try to make some friends. May the Higher Power be with you and guide you.
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