AA jokes

"... We absolutely insist on enjoying life" (p. 132, Alcoholics Anonymous). Here's the forum for fun and frivolity. Enjoy!

AA jokes

Postby joey » Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:36 am

A girl working with her sponsor asked "Where can I read about my sex problems?"

Sponsor said, "That's covered on page 69."

Later at home the page number got jumbled as she tried to remember and she turned to page 96 for her sex problems.

"Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He saw a person on the ground and yelled down to him, “Can you help me? I don’t know where I am.” The man replied, “Sure, I’ll help you. You are in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above the ground...between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 & 60 degrees West longitude.”

“Wow, you must be an AA sponsor”, said the man in the balloon. “I am”, said the man, “but what gave me away?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically right but I am still lost. Frankly you’re not much help at all and you might even have delayed my trip.”

“You must be an AA sponsee”, replied the man. The man in the balloon was amazed and said, “I am, but how did you know?”

The man on the ground said, “Well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air. You are expecting other people to solve your problems and the fact is that you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow now IT’S MY FAULT” !

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

a old wino was sitting in a detox at the table waiting for meeting time, holding a half filled cup of coffee
in comes a young kid,maybe 18..his eyes was open wide and his hair was standing straight up,dyed many different colors..
red,orange,green , blue etc
he was on some "good" dope,no doubt

he looked at the wino and the wino looked at him
he quickly turned away and felt the cold eyes of the wino staring holes thru the back of his head...it was driving him nuts...he glanced back and saw the wino still staring....again he turned away......finally he could not take it anymore
andf jumped up and screamed at the old wino,dang it old man,haven`t you ever got wasted and done sometime weird?

sure the wino quietly proclaimed,I got drunk and made love with a parrot,and I thought you must be my son!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Re: AA jokes

Postby Ken_the_Geordie » Thu Jul 01, 2010 7:58 am

Thanks, Joey.

------------------------------------------
A long time AA member named Joe R has lived to a very old age and one morning God appears to him, as Joe lies in bed.

Joe: What have you come for God?

God: Well Joe, I've come with some good news and some bad new, what do you want first?

Joe (being an optimist): I like to start the morning with good news

God: I have come to tell you that we have AA meetings in heaven

Joe: Alright - that's great! So what's the bad news?

God: You're chairing tonights meeting....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many Al-Anons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just detach and let it screw itself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm more commonly known as Tosh (it's a nick name, but everyone I know in real life calls me it); just in case there's any confusion; I tend to use Tosh or Ken interchangeably and it confuses some; including me. ;-)
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Re: AA jokes

Postby Mike O » Thu Jul 01, 2010 10:56 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Excellent stuff, fellas.
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Re: AA jokes

Postby hazel4 » Thu Jul 01, 2010 11:59 am

Made my night...especially the first one. :lol:

Keep 'em' coming.

Hazel
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Re: AA jokes

Postby jak » Fri Jul 02, 2010 7:16 am

The Obsession of the Mind...

A drunk was stranded on a desert island with no food or 'drink' or way to escape.
He found a bottle and dusted it off and a magic genie appeard.
"You have freed me!" exclaimed the genie, "I grant you three wishes!"
"Anything I want?" the drunk asked.
"Yes, any three things you want!" the genie replied.
"Oh WOW! I want a bottle of Rum that always stays full!" cried the drunk.
POOF! The bottle appeared. When a big drink was taken it ws still full!
"Oh WOW Oh WOW!" the drunk exclaimed.
Still drinking the genie is looking at his watch... "You still have two more wishes!"
Holding the bottle high the drunk exclaimed "Oh WOW! I want two more of these!"
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Re: AA jokes

Postby Mike O » Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:06 am

Excellent stuff, folks.

I moved the thread to the "HUMOUR" section.

Hope that's OK.

Keep the jokes coming.

-Mike :D
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Re: AA jokes

Postby Marc L » Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:53 pm

I just couldn't let this one slide by without adding a little something to it.
From the members list...
Just got back to the hotel after the Big Meeting
I heard there are almost 60,000 alkies here.
The Alamodome was packed and the meeting
Was so great. Three speakers - all wonderful.
Flag ceremony was really moving. The was a nice
Show of Mexican music and dancers. I've never
Been to a founders day, sounds like lotza fun. Read
An article in local paper about the convention.
This is the biggest and most lucrative convention
Ever held in SA- estimate a $65,000,000 for
The city and businesses. Pretty amazing. The artical
Spoke highly of AA. One cop told me the
Only trouble he's has is all the alkies are
Jaw Walking'! Must be in our blood!!

An alcoholic who can walk and talk at the same time, now that is a miracle.
And that cop is probably one of us. :lol:

Marc
Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.
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Re: AA jokes

Postby hazel4 » Sat Jul 03, 2010 1:38 am

Excuses, excuses...

Like the husband who was caught drinking in a pub after he had sworn to his wife he had gone on the wagon.
"So your pledge means nothing?" she rasped.
"Not at alll, my dear, You see, when I drank regularly, I always had one whisky for myself, and one for my dear old army pal, Fred, who was killed in the war - just for sentimental reasons. Now I am on the wagon, I have to really force myself and drink Fred's!"

...................

"Is there any excuse for that awful George Drinkwell? Look at him - lying there face down in the gutter at ten in the morning"
"Still less excuse for his wife - she's looking up at him!"

....................................
back later...just need to track down an old "army pal"

Peace
Hazel
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Re: AA jokes

Postby jak » Sat Jul 03, 2010 9:24 am

Paddy was getting on his wife's nerves. She scolded, "Do something! Get out of here! Take the dog for a walk!"
Paddy was a little dense, but he was no fool, he took the dog for a walk to the pub.
Paddy tied the dog and entered the pub for a 'few'. More dogs gathered around outside and trouble started.
After a while a policeman entered and inquired, " Who has a dog tied outside?"
Paddy replied, "That is my dog." The cop said, "Sir did you know that your dog is in heat?"
Paddy was a little slow and he answered, "In Heat? No no no, I tied her in the shade!"
The cop rolled his eyes and said, "Sir you don't understand. Your dog want's bred."
"Bread?" replied Paddy, "I just fed her before we came here!"
Exasperated the cop leaned in close to Paddy and whispered, "Your dog wants to have sex!"
Paddy stepped back and looked the cop in the eye as he thought about it a moment. Then he smilled and winked at the cop and said, "OK then! Go ahead! I always wanted a police dog!"
Last edited by jak on Sat Jul 03, 2010 7:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: AA jokes

Postby hazel4 » Sat Jul 03, 2010 9:56 am

As any alcoholic will tell you, there is always an excuse, even when circumstances are stacked against him. Take the sensational case at the Old Bailey (Court in London) in which “demon drink” had been cited as the root cause of a man’s depravity.

Summing up, the judge said, “It has been proven that you consumed enormous amounts of alcohol every day; that you threw ten innocent women into the canal; that you set fire to at least six premises; that you vandalised scores of cars; despoiled people’s property, and perpetuated innumerable despicable minor offences including throwing four pug dogs into a cement mixer. Have you anything to say before I pronounce the harshest sentence the law allows?”

“Well,” muttered the prisoner in a hurt tone, “I never been good at nuffink, so I figured I’d get into the Guiness Book of Records for somefink !”
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Re: AA jokes

Postby Tosh » Fri Nov 18, 2011 8:05 am

Three drunks are walking in the woods and they came upon some tracks . The first says "i think these are deer tracks" ' the second says "no these they're badger tracks" the third says no these are fox tracks" sadly whilst arguing they were all killed by the train.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: AA jokes

Postby Jaywalker Steve » Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:27 am

Two drunks go moose hunting deep in the Canadian wilderness. So deep they have to be flown in. After a week and successfully taking two moose, the pilot lands at the strip to pick them up. The pilot informs them that they'll have to leave one of the moose behind as it exceeds the plane's weight capacity. The drunks convince the pilot that the plane can handle it because after all, 'we took two with us last year!' So the pilot reluctantly agrees and off they go. The plane is struggling to gain altitude and crashes shortly after take off. Thankfully everyone survived. The pilot, dazed and confused looks around, and asks, 'where are we?' To which the one drunk replied, 'Oh, from the looks of it, we're only a 100 yards away from where we crashed last year.'
Every group has men and women who put too much thought and effort into their daily sobriety and not enough of themselves into their daily living. - Ed B., Akron, OH
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Re: AA jokes

Postby PaigeB » Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:45 pm

A friend, who knows I am in the program sent me this! LMAO

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: AA jokes

Postby nelomelo » Thu Oct 18, 2012 6:54 pm

Needed to laugh tonight great laughs every where
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Re: AA jokes

Postby Noels » Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:01 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: wonder where these posters are. They were fun :lol:
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