Pet Subjects

"... We absolutely insist on enjoying life" (p. 132, Alcoholics Anonymous). Here's the forum for fun and frivolity. Enjoy!

Pet Subjects

Postby samantha » Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:50 pm

Rules for Cats to Live By

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being tepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.

One Day of the Dog's Diary Reads:
8:00 am Oh boy! ....... dog food, my favourite!
9:30 am Wow! ........ a car ride, this is a blast!
9:40 am A walk in the park ...... hot damm!
10:30 am Getting rubbed and petted ..... I'm in love!
12:00 pm Lunch! .. Yummy!
1:00 pm Playing in the yard! ...... I just love it!
4:00 pm Hooray! ... the kids are home! .... I am bouncing off the walls!
5:00 pm Milkbones! ... what a great treat!
7:00 pm I get to pay ball ... this is too good to be true!
8:00 pm Wow! .. watching TV with my master ... heavenly!
11:00 pm Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed ... Life is Great!

The Same Day of the Cat's Diary Reads:

Day 683 of my captivity; my captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I and the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat some- thing in order to keep up my strength. In that way I shall be ready to flee at the first opportunity that presents itself. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape (and the tepid satisfaction I receive from ruining the occasional piece of furniture).

In yet another demonstration of civil disobedience, I shall topple and destroy one more houseplant tonight under the cover of darkness. Many of my efforts to wear down my oppressors are not going according to plan. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor. I shall soon be expanding my repertoire; I believe, I'll start vomiting in their shoes and/or beds.

Today, I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. .. the audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies" I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. :shock:

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