Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

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Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby hazel4 » Mon May 18, 2009 7:57 pm

How many of us have tried any and every compromise?
...........................................................................
PROMISES! PROMISES!

Mac enjoyed a well deserved reputation for being able to charm the birds off the trees, but his jealous fiancé was thoroughly fed up with his roving eye and gave him one last chance. Prior to the wedding he was to spend a long vacation in a cabin in the country and carry out some serious soul searching. Just one more chat-up line and the wedding was off.

Promising faithfully, and knowing she could always tell when he lied, Mac spent the first week in cultivating pure thoughts. One evening he decided to visit the lake around the back of the cabin. Tranquil and secluded it was the perfect place to re-think his impending marriage.

When he reached the lake, however, Mac was surprised to hear feminine voices shouting and laughing, along with the splashing of water. As he got nearer he saw a group of young women skinny-dipping there.

Mac at once made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to hide in a nearby clump of reeds. One of the braver women shouted. “We are not coming out until you leave.”

Mac thought of his promises and decided a compromise could do no harm, calling back “I didn’t come here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked....I only came to feed the alligator.”
........................................................................

Peace

Hazel
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Postby jak » Tue May 19, 2009 3:37 am

Haw :lol:

I'm stealing that one. :D

Which is where I get ALL my best jokes. 8)

Thanks Hazel

jim k
Last edited by jak on Tue May 19, 2009 6:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby sobercow » Tue May 19, 2009 5:50 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:shock:
Goodbye Milky Way;Hello Sober Day.
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Postby jak » Mon May 25, 2009 3:11 pm

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was over booked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Who mucked up your hair?"
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Postby hazel4 » Mon May 25, 2009 7:15 pm

Dear Jak

Loved it and have, with your permission, appropriately passed it on to fellow travellers. :lol: :lol: Having been to Rome, I must agree with at least part of the hairdresser's advice.

Will not dare to comment on the Popes' hairdresser...but the lady you mentioned obviously met my sister - a well known hairdresser 'working' under the non-de-plume of Miss Piggy - who confirms:

"A hotel's name reflects the exact opposite to its quality. Thus the Hotel Central weill prove a clean, pleasant place in a good part of town. The Hotel Royal Fantastic will be a fleabag, with a doubtful reputation above stairs, situated next to a topless bowling alley."

I know it well - always overbooked - since my other sister has a hairdressers next to the bowling alley and does a thriving trade in salvaging hairstyles. We believe in keeping it in the family.

Also, be aware of the time change when travelling. As Bette Midler said "When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1950 in London."

Peace

Hazel

PS. Where DID you find your Avatar? Standing outside the hairdressers? Please forgive if it was a before and/or after shot!!! lol. :? :?
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Postby jak » Tue May 26, 2009 3:34 am

Where DID you find your Avatar?


I stole it. 8)

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Postby martin08 » Tue May 26, 2009 4:27 am

I kind of like the story set-ups on these jokes, so....

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.
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Postby hazel4 » Tue May 26, 2009 8:08 am

Martin

YUK and Double YUK.:shock:

However, there was a time I would have fallen for it, just as I did at a Mexican party in Houston where I was assured a large red chili was just a type of Mexican tomato!!

The rest is history as they say.

Peace

Hazel
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby ann2 » Sun May 25, 2014 10:40 am

NERVOUS ABOUT HEARING HIS FIRST FIFTH STEP, a young priest asked an older priest to sit in on the session. After the AA member had described a few of his experiences, the older priest motioned the young one to step out into the hall.

“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand like this,” the older priest directed him. The young priest tried it. “Good,” said the older priest. “Try saying ‘I see. Yes, go on.’ And, ‘I understand. How did you feel about that?’” The young priest complied. “Now don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No way! What happened next?'
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby KeyLimeMike » Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:33 pm

My sponsor told me this one day when he asked me if i did a daily inventory. I told him I do inventory work and talk to my higher power all day long.

A young buddist monk was having a conversation with his elder. His elder asked if he had talked to his creator that day, and the young monk said I talk to him all the time in everything I do, and every thought I have.
The elder said that was very commendable but highly unlikely.
The young student then said oh no it is true.
The elder said if you can prove that to me do this, for the next 10 minutes talk and think only of God.
The young monk said "no problem, I bet you I can do it".
The Elder said "OK here's the bet you see my beautiful horse standing there if you can do this for 10 minutes I will give you my beautiful stallion for your own"
The young one laughed and said OK.
The young monk was deep in meditation when only 3 minutes in he opened one eye and said to the elder "Hey does that include the bridle and saddle also???????"............
I can't stay sober by myself, and I didn't get sober to be miserable, HAVE SOME FUN.
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:04 am

"Women's Tears vs Men's Tears"

Never ever make a woman cry because there is nothing as expensive in this world as a lady's tears.

When a single tear comes out it first mixes with Loreal eye liner viz R115 and Revlon mascara viz R185. Then when it rolls down the cheek it mixes with D&G blusher @R150 and Mac powder @R95.
Finally it touches the lips and gets mixed with Maybeline lipstick viz R120 and Avon lip gloss viz R45. That means a single drop of a lady's tear is almost running at about R700!

For men when they happen to cry its only Dawn Cocoa Butter moisturizer @ R19 with Zambuk lipice at R5.

:) :) :) Have an awesome day today :) :) :)
There is only Love
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Feb 09, 2017 7:32 am

90 Year Old's Secret

Someone asked an old man "Even after 90 years, you still call your wife "Darling", "Honey", "Love". "What's the secret?"
OLD MAN:"I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to to ask her".

:-D :-D :-D
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Feb 09, 2017 7:34 am

Valentine's Day Add in Pub

Bring your Girlfriend : 20% Off
Bring your Wife : 45% Off
Bring both at the same time : FREE with Free transport to the hospital.

:-D :D
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Feb 09, 2017 7:44 am

REALY bad jokes .....

A letter from a teacher to a parent :
Dear parent, Kamal doesn't smell nice in class. Please try to bathe him.
Parent's answer :
Dear teacher, Kamal is not a rose. Don't smell him. Teach him ....
xxx

Mother to Son : Who is Iskandar Zulkarnain?
Son : Don't know.
Mother : Sometimes give attention to your study also.
Son to Mother : Do you know Chinky Aunty?
Mother : Don't know.
Son : Sometimes give attention to dad also ....
xxx

A cute Excuse ...
Teacher : Why are you late?
Student : Mom and Dad were fighting.
Teacher : So what makes you late if they were fighting?
Student : One shooo was in mom's hand and one in dad's ...
xxx

Wife : I hate that beggar.
Husband : Why?
Wife : Yesterday I gave him food. Today he gave me a book "How to Cook!"
xxx

Husband came home drunk. To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop and started working.
Wife : Had alcohol?
Husband : No,No Darling.
Wife : Idiot! ... then why did you open my suitcase and are acting like youre typing?

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Last edited by Noels on Thu Feb 09, 2017 9:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Feb 09, 2017 7:58 am

At a Mental Hospital :

Doctor : "What is this"?

Patient : "This is a book I wrote. Total 500 pages".

Doctor : "You wrote 500 pages? Wow! What did you write?"

Patient : "On the first page I wrote One King rode on a horse and went towards the jungle. And on the last page I wrote the King reached the jungle"

Doctor " So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"

Patient : " I wrote

tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik ......

Doctor stunned : "And what's THAT?????"

Patient : "That's the sound of the horse running ... the hooves digging the terrain".

Doctor : "And WHO will read your story?"

Patient : "I will put it on Alcoholics Anonymous website. My crazy friends will definitely read it. One of them is reading it as we speak"

:lol: :twisted: :wink: :mrgreen:
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