One innocent comment away from trouble....

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One innocent comment away from trouble....

Postby highcostofliving » Tue Oct 17, 2017 7:19 am

Just a share here, to get off my chest....

Sunday, I was bouncing back and forth on going to a morning meeting - it's a hard one to get to, and it's one of the few mornings I get with just myself, my wife and my daughter.... I'm new to sobriety (5 days at the time), so I thought I should go, but, well it's just tough....

As I was pondering to go or not, I was putting reservations in for my family's July camping trip. Little background - my family is huge, we invade the same state park, the same week, every year... there's close to 60 of us total... and this will be the 50th year going to said park, so it's a big year. Also about 11 years ago, one of our family members who is a chef, started to do a wine pairing up there, where he cooks about 10 meals and pairs each one with a wine, he raffles off free bottles, which everyone promptly shares with everyone else... all out of his motor home, it's incredibly good....

My brain, working like a true alcoholic has been constantly telling myself insane things lately like "dude, you're going to AA now, so you can just drink one more time, then quit for good at next weeks meeting"... seriously highcost, you're in AA so you can drink? That's dumb... but it runs through my head all day long...

While I'm making the reservation, my wife who's in the kitchen, blurts out "make sure we reserve the night so we can do the wine tasting". Now she knows I'm in AA, and we talk about it constantly, so it was an honest slip on her part, one innocent comment.. she doesn't realize my brain heard "might as well put off quitting until after the wine tasting, you know you don't want to miss that!". I went to the AA meeting....

I wanted to share this at the meeting, but we ran long and people pushing to get out the door, so I held my tongue. But two things happened that I think are important... First, it's a glaring reminder of the insanity of alcoholism. Seriously, I went from trying to put off quitting because I'm in AA until my next AA meeting, to putting it off for 9 months, just because one innocent little comment! It's just... well, insane. Second, I was massively annoyed with my wife on my way to the meeting... it sunk in as I was driving, she knows what I'm doing, yet she pulls that S***! That was my thinking as I drove...

I guess there's a Third - the ability to get to a meeting is something to be grateful for, as well as being grateful to all the people that show up so that you do have a place to go. I'm pretty certain if I hadn't gone, I'd have let that resentment I felt at the time towards my wife grow until it led me to the store - or worse, led me out of AA until next July sometime! Turns out, all I needed was to hear a couple stories, be reminded alcohol is cunning and baffling, and to be allowed the time to realize she isn't an alcoholic, so her brain isn't 24/7 obsessed with alcohol right now, it's not her fault, it's on me.... and to just take it easy.

Thanks for reading.
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: One innocent comment away from trouble....

Postby Brock » Tue Oct 17, 2017 7:46 am

That's a very good report on what can happen in the mind of a new member, and by self analysis together with the meeting, you were able to see the insanity, great job. A newcomer reading this would learn as well, even the newest of struggling members helps others with posts like this.

It's hard to believe but is an absolute fact, that if you did what is required, well before July, you could be in a position that it would make no difference, if were a wine, rum, whiskey, or Coca Cola tasting event. You are struggling a bit it's true, but the commitment to the meetings and posting here is first class, keep going you will succeed.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: One innocent comment away from trouble....

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Oct 17, 2017 10:43 am

The first step in recovery as the book states, we need to be convinced we no longer handle liquor safely or keep away from it. Then we launch on a rigorous course of fixing ourselves. Selfishness self-centeredness is cause of all our troubles. So we alcoholics start on this journey of life where we constantly look inside.

The 10 step promises were great goal for me, I wanted to experience that. For that to happen there are certain actions we need to take. Hope you well my friend.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: One innocent comment away from trouble....

Postby PaigeB » Tue Oct 17, 2017 12:20 pm

Read Page 30 of the Big Book ~ my important part was:

We had to
fully concede
to our inner-most selves
that we were ALCOHOLIC.

I have a disease. I can NEVER drink safely again. I thought I would just have one and was off from AA for 17 painful years... the entire lives of my children. YOU don't have to do what I did.

This disease...
It wants me dead.
It'll settle for me drunk...
But first it has to get me alone.

Keep coming back, man. This thing is the only thing that worked for me (and a million others!)
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: One innocent comment away from trouble....

Postby highcostofliving » Tue Oct 17, 2017 2:58 pm

Thanks guys... absolutely working on it, and will continue to do so. I just wanted to post some of the strange manipulations alcohol is playing on my newly sober mind... it seems like any little statement at any time can shoot another insane idea in my head that my disease tries to pass off as logic.... it's annoying, I'm grateful I'm becoming more and more aware of these moments, I can recognize them in time to make the proper adjustment - like going to the meeting that day - before that idea takes a firm hold.... cause as crazy as these ideas are, I argue with myself on how rational they could be...

I also thought it worth noting my delayed reaction to my wife, how during my drive to the meeting, I started to get upset at her... like it's her fault I had to go to a meeting that morning... ugh, this stupid disease will do anything it can to conjure up another reason to pick up.

It's good to hear that these sorts of thoughts should get fewer and farther between, the longer I stick with it and work at it.... thanks for the responses and for reading....
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: One innocent comment away from trouble....

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Oct 17, 2017 3:54 pm

the longer I stick with it and work at it


The 10th step promises is something we could only share. The individual has to conclude the first 2 propositions and proceed to work on the remaining steps to experience it. Its a state where we can be obsession free. But, we have to constantly work on the un-manageability part.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: One innocent comment away from trouble....

Postby positrac » Thu Oct 19, 2017 2:14 am

Welcome and thanks for keeping me sober today! That is right because I read your post and it reminds me of the temptations outside in places with thin ice if I so desire to tread.....
I would like to remind you of a detail regarding meetings: normally these meeting last 1.0-1.5 hours and depending on distance say 2.0 hours and that is a small piece of time since I know I drank sometimes days straight into blur, sober, then blur again and thus a small price to pay for your mental security.

I know you are struggling and seem to be making efforts and if you keep going back to meetings they will become more of a habit and less stressful. I know we all have and at times still make excuses of should I or shouldn't I go...... But for you in the infancy stage of sobriety make it work and keep your stinking thinking under control.

You've got time before next summer and I would recommend not making a spectacle out of your new life and just do other stuff that won't be a mental mind screw to wanna drink. You'll be ok and in time all things pass.

Keep coming back and thanks for your post because you help us as well.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: One innocent comment away from trouble....

Postby highcostofliving » Thu Oct 19, 2017 10:59 am

Thanks positrac. Sometimes the reminder of "in the infancy of my sobriety" is good to hear... I start feeling good about things and just want to instantly be 'fixed', and can get a little overwhelmed when I realize I'm not where I want to be, but the reminder that I'm just starting is good. First things First, right? I've thought about drinking only 1 way for 20 years, so now that I'm making a complete 180, it's really hard to keep 'stinking thinking' under control, it's a 24/7 mental attack at the moment... though I have to say this has been the easiest week to date. I think I get the point though, and I like how you phrased not making a 'spectacle of my new life'....

I am glad I have you online peeps helping me out! Thanks for reading.
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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