My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Ludwig Drummer » Fri Nov 11, 2016 8:07 am

Hi All,

I was sober for 4 years, but never thought I was an alcoholic. I came into the program for drugs, but always thought in the back of my mind that I would be able to drink again. Well 6 months ago I started drinking again, and I was honest with my wife and family. She even drank with me on several occasions. I was able to moderate for 5 moths, and never got drunk or blacked out. Each successful drinking occasion convinced me even further that my problem was not with alcohol. I stopped meetings, prayer, meditaiton, and talking to my sponsor. Well 1 month ago I rode my bike to a bar with my friend and got drunk. I don't even remember riding the 5 miles home. Upon my return, my wife called me out and I lied about my consumption. I came clean in the morning and she said no more drinking. I stopped, but 2 weeks after that I was out getting some last minute stuff for my sons 6th birthday party. I walked past the liquor aisle and my brain told me "just get a small bottle of vodka, this will be the real "last time" and it will help with your anxiety and nervousness and make you more sociable". Well by the end of the party I was blacked out. I didn't act crazy, but my wife and parents knew something was wrong. When they confronted me that night, I denied that I was on anything. At 3 in the morning I couldn't live with myself and I woke my wife (sleeping on the couch) and told her the truth and showed her the bottle.

Since then, I have been to daily meetings, I found a new sponsor, and I have completely surrendered. I have accepted that I am an alcoholic and that I can't use any mood altering substance. I dove headfirst into my recovery, more than I ever have in the past, and it is actually a relief to know that God is leading me and that I am powerless when it comes to drugs and alcohol, and that I have turned my will and my life over to God. I am currently working on my 4th step, and have reached out to my sponsor and the fellowship like I never have before. I have accepted what I am, and have been more honest with myself than I ever have in the past. I have forgiven myself, but I know my fears of losing my wife and family are roadblocks to my serenity.

My wife is now more angry and disgusted than she has ever been in the past. Her trust has been shattered, and she says she "doesn't know" if she wants to stay together. I asked her if she wants me to move out and she says she doesn't know. I pray daily for her forgiveness, and that she can see and believe what I am doing in my recovery. I also know that I can't let her shunning get in the way of my sobriety and serenity. She won't talk to me directly, although she will text with me. She has been sleeping in the attic (I have offered to sleep wherever she wants me to). We have 2 young boys, and she does acknowledge me in front of them, so they don't know anything is going on. We have been married for 12 years, and she recently told me she hasn't truly trusted me in the last 4 years. My wife is very attractive and never does anything wrong. She is literally as close to perfect as anyone I have met, and every problem we have ever had is because of my addictive behaviors. I am a good person with a good job, and I am a doting husband and dedicated father. My family means everything to me, and I fear I will lose it. All of my problems stem from drugs and alcohol. I know now what I am, and I feel more spiritually grounded, humble, and optimistic than I have in years. I am giving my wife space to grieve and be angry, and I only speak or communicate with her about matters relating to our children, finances, or household. I urged her to go to Alanon, and she has started going. She is starting a meditation class, and planning an overnight Spiritual retreat.

I could use some help and guidance. I have talked to my sponsor, and he said I am doing everything I should be. I give her space, I make myself extra useful, I asked her if she wants me to move out, I turned her on to Alanon (she is going to a meeting tonight). I have been going to meetings daily and working the Steps with a sponsor that I trust. I wish there was a way to make her believe how dedicated I am to my recovery and sobriety now. It is like a switch has been turned on. My cravings and impulses have been taken from me. I know I need to be patient, and that I hurt her immensely. Her anger and disgust are making my recovery difficult.

Thanks :?
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Lali » Fri Nov 11, 2016 1:12 pm

Welcome, Ludwig. I have not been in your situation but I have to agree with your sponsor that you are doing everything you can. Please try to keep the focus on your sobriety. Sometimes you have to show someone that you are changing by your actions as just saying so is often not enough. Be patient with your wife. I'm glad to hear that she is attending an AlAnon meeting.
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby positrac » Tue Nov 15, 2016 3:22 am

Your sobriety is more important and I say this because no matter what your wife says and does right now your actions will be a significant sign if you are really serious about your sobriety. Getting sober for anyone else will most likely yield to you failing and eventually drinking and plunging deeper into a bad place.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby clouds » Tue Nov 15, 2016 5:50 am

Hi, so glad you have started the steps and have a sponsor and are attnding meetings and working the AA program.

Two weeks is early times. Give your wife a year of your sobriety and then reflect if you should say anything or not.
I didn't really realize the damage I had done to my family at first. My selfish acts before I sobered up kept my family in crisis and drama mode for years.Their peace of mind and trust was broken down. In my case it took a long time for my parents to believe this program works and one did not ever accept me again. My sobriety is based on the AA way of living, not on others acceptance or non-acceptance of me as I am today. My job is to do the next right thing and follow a spiritual way of living as outlined in the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous'. My main problem was selfishness, selfcenteredness. Only continued action on the steps could change me. Apologies weren't enough, the people I hurt needed time.

Time will heal most of the wounded. As your wife attends Alanon, she will also be practicing the 12 steps. That is really going to help your lives. You are in a very hopeful situation. :)
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Layne » Tue Nov 15, 2016 9:17 am

Page 82 Big Book
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

How many times did my wife listen to promises that were broken? Trust is the most important element in any relationship and I shattered her trust. How would I feel if she slept with another man? In effect that is what I did to her every time I returned to my mistress alcohol.

I begged for her forgiveness. I told her I loved her with tears in my eyes. I asked her to believe in me. Couldn't she see that I loved her more than anything else? Couldn't she see that I was serious about my sobriety this time. But evidently not, as I would return to my what was obviously my true love, alcohol.

Talk is cheap. Anybody can do it. Trust is not cheap. It is earned, as it should be. It is a precious commodity. Expecting my wife's trust in me to return on my time schedule, was me denying her feelings and dismissing the harm I had done. Basically it was me not accepting responsibility and still being selfish and self centered.

Fully working the twelve steps and practicing the principals in all my affairs was the only solution for this alcoholic to be able to rebuild the once shattered trust. I found no shortcuts.

We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough.
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Brock » Tue Nov 15, 2016 10:49 am

Welcome to the forum and congrats on the one month sober. I had seen this and been tempted to reply since you posted it, I held back because I personally felt that your wife was being too hard on you, and saying that could have caused others to instead come down on her side more, since they have anyway, I can say what I had in mind now.

Make no bones I am all in favor of doing what it takes to keep your family together, but let's put a few facts in perspective. You started drinking six months ago and she drank with you on several occasions, one month ago you overdid it, she said no more drinking and you agreed. Two weeks later you broke your promise, you felt badly and woke her to confess, and since then you are doing everything right. So one broken promise by an alcoholic fighting a decease which is cunning baffling & powerful, and you find yourself in big trouble, and this after twelve years of marriage. Sorry but if it were my wife, I would ask what other reasons she has for this behavior, because we are talking about one broken promise, not years of broken promises like I and many here put our spouses through.

I hope things work out and wish you all the best.
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Ludwig Drummer » Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:10 pm

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. You have all given me a lot to think about. I know 2 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of our life together. If I can respond to Brock, this was the last of many promises I have made over the last 12 years that I have this under control, I will stop, I will cut down. She has heard this many times in the past. I take resposibility for my lies and broken promises and realize that all of our problems are due to my using. I know getting sober for someone else does not work, that is not my intention. I do not want to sink any lower than where I am at now. I want to change for myself and I am making it a priority every day. I want what the program has and I will fight to attain it. I don't want to live in the hell of active addiction ever again. One day at a time.

Once again, thank you to all who responded. I will keep you updated if there are any chnages, breakthroughs or setbacks!

Sincerely,
Ludwig Drummer
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Brock » Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:27 pm

I did not realize that there were many promises in the past, in that case I agree with what you and others have said, taking responsibility for what has happened is the right thing to do, best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Doddering Moron » Wed May 17, 2017 4:39 pm

That's a great story. Mind if I use it? I'm sure some women will respond favorably. Thanks.
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Sober_RI » Thu May 18, 2017 3:08 pm

I'm sorry you're in this situation, keep your focus on staying sober. The best way to prove that you're serious about being sober, is by being sober. That's great if your wife gets involved in Alanon, it will probably help her a lot.
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby kdub720 » Tue May 30, 2017 10:38 am

What a great topic and story. I have not read this one before. And wow did it have me thinking on so many levels. The lies to ourselves and others in the fight against the cunning baffling monster. I like the part about family support. Love and support along with action go along way. My drinking an hiding changed to honesty and sobriety, Yet it is so great to have people around in your life routine that understand your mind. I also battle with brain injury stuff, and having people around that understand it and give you support is tremendous. That part about the spouse learning and being active I think is so helpful and supportive. Great story, got me thinking, thanks.
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Re: My wife's anger and disgust - 2 weeks sober

Postby Roberth » Thu Jun 01, 2017 11:50 am

Hello Ludwig, My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles Area alcoholic. I don't know why just because we stop drinking everything should be wonderful. I broke my marriage and I tried go back to the way it was before and that was not going to happen. it has taken 15 years to become friends with my ex-wife when we tried to go back to do that.
I was on a road trip with My DCM and asked him how he saved his marriage. I wasn't expecting the answer I got. The marriage counselor told them they couldn't fix that marriage and they had to start over. They had to learn to do things differently, with help they did and now have a good marriage.
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