Sober and engaged

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Sober and engaged

Postby Deskdad » Wed May 25, 2016 9:03 am

So, I am trying to go sober, but my fiance drinks moderately. She is a very responsible drinker - for real - doesn't lie about it and have a denial problem like me. She may drink on the weekends and never over does it. Thoughts? Can that relationship work? Advice?
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Re: Sober and engaged

Postby clouds » Wed May 25, 2016 9:39 am

Yes, I think it can work.

My husband doesn't drink. Many of the members here on e-AA are married to people who do drink.

I'm sure they will be along to share their experience.

Welcome here to you, by the way. :)
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Sober and engaged

Postby Larryp713 » Wed May 25, 2016 9:44 am

Hi DeskDad and welcome.
I would think that could be a tough situation for you early on, but not impossible. It is a good thing that you are not resentful at her drinking, or drinking in general.
If she is supportive of your efforts to get sober, I don't think there is any harm in asking her to not drink around you for awhile. Point out to her that there is nothing wrong with her drinking, but that you don't feel comfortable around alcohol yet. If you continue to work the program and have a spiritual awakening from working these steps, you will get over that. It worked for me. I was about 6 months sober and went to a graduation party where there was a ton of alcohol. My wife was not there, and that normally would have been an incredibly tempting experience. But I was very plugged in to my recovery at that time. I prepared for the party by telling my favorite drinking cohorts (my brother and sister) that I am not going to drink. I went to an AA meeting the night before and spoke with other alcoholics before the party. I honestly did not have even a desire to drink, and I had a lot of fun. I was not the "wet blanket" in the corner. I was dancing and playing pool, joking around. It was amazing. That would not have happened without this program.

But the key is to be honest with yourself. If you are not spiritually fit, reach out and remove yourself from situations that are not healthy. I wish you all the best. Larry
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Re: Sober and engaged

Postby Brock » Wed May 25, 2016 10:18 am

My wife drinks in the same way your intended wife does, not like an alcoholic just socially. She used to drink at home as well, just watching TV she might have a couple, but that changed and to my knowledge I had nothing to do with it, now it's only when we go out.

It doesn’t bother me except for the smell, since I stopped drinking I just can't take the smell of alcohol on someones breath, so I keep a little distance between us. Looking at what I just wrote it suddenly dawned on me, that is perhaps why she has cooled it on the drinks at home. At any rate I think you know that this whole AA deal is dependent on doing those steps, and not half as hard to do as they first appear on paper, then you can even be an Arabian prince with forty wives all drinking around you, and it will not affect you one bit. Best of luck in finding the complete release from alcohol cravings so many of us have found, and the first class life that also comes with it.
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Re: Sober and engaged

Postby Reborn » Wed May 25, 2016 1:11 pm

page 84-85 BB

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

I put this quote from the Big Book to show you what this program promises when we work the steps...hopefully this gives you some hope. I'm assuming your fiance knows about you troubles with alcohol...so like Larry suggested just be open and honest about it with her. If you thoroughly and honestly follow this path this situation will no longer bother you. I have been in several situations where folks around me were partying it up and it didn't bother me at all...when I got tired of being around drunk people I just left...AA has given me that choice.
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132
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Re: Sober and engaged

Postby Deskdad » Thu May 26, 2016 9:43 am

Thanks all for the great advice. It makes me very hopeful that this can be managed. Yes, she is aware of my problem and she has offered to quit drinking if I wanted her too. To know there will be a day where I may be repulsed by the taste or smell is 'awesomesauce' as my 9 year old daughter would say.
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Re: Sober and engaged

Postby tyg » Thu May 26, 2016 10:49 am

Happy and content, married to a drinker? Totally doable and nobody needs to (or should) stop drinking around the alcoholic or try to protect them from being around alcohol. I know many recovered alcoholics who got sober and own wineries, bars, nightclubs etc and still own them today. They have said it has even been a blessing in many ways and have opportunities to help others at work.

However, these promises only come true when we have taken all the 12 Steps, are actively making amends where due, trust their God, continuously cleaning house (Steps 10/11) and working with others (Step 12) . Until then, any promises we think we are experiencing is just a taste of the good life and won't last because we haven't built a solid foundation to build a good life upon or doing the things that brings that complete psychic change.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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Re: Sober and engaged

Postby shaunagus » Fri May 27, 2016 5:07 am

My partner also drinks and it doesn't bother me much unless he is sat really close to me, burping, or breathing alcohol all over me, resting a beer can on his gut - it doesn't make me want to drink anyway!! :)

Every now and then if we are cuddling on the sofa together his glass might be really close to my face (if he has an arm round me or something) and a whiff of it sort of sets off a memory of drinking but its just a shadow-thought, a memory, not a craving. He was drinking a liquer with a strong almond smell the other day and I love the smell of almonds so there was that part of me that loves the smell of almonds loving the smell of his drink and that freaks me out slightly, but again its not a craving for a drink, there is no desire to drink there in that way.

There is almost always alcohol in the house and I never, ever feel drawn to it. Same in pubs, I never feel drawn to it. It rarely if ever enters my mind. The desire for a drink was lifted. Its weird really, I went from thinking about it and wanting it all the time to not wanting it all as I worked the steps.
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