Relapsed, son not talking to me.

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)
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Relapsed, son not talking to me.

Post by Leticia »

Hi, I am new to this site, I went to rehab last July and have had a few relapses since. Saturday I had another one my family was out for the day getting home late and that's how it started.... my husband realised what I did as I was passed out fully clothed when he got home, he has chased me out of my house and away from my boys which is breaking my heart. My 9 year old is talking to me over the phone and still his loving self to me but my 13 year old refuses to talk to me over the phone and ignores my watsapp msgs..... He has probably heard I'm sorry to many times..... any suggestions would really help. This time I'm going to beat this battle I have with alcohol it's destroying my family and it's time I make things right once and for all :(

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Re: Relapsed, son not talking to me.

Post by avaneesh912 »

Unfortunately rehab/detox gives you temporary relief. For a permanent solution, you will need a psychic change. In AA we suggest that people find a sponsor who can help them work the 12 steps and have a spiritual awakening/attitude shift. So, they can live a obsession free life. All the stuff lost comes back, sometimes, it may not, but we don't have to drink over it. Wish you good luck. Please feel free to read other sections of the forum. Ask questions. If possible visit a local AA meeting.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: Relapsed, son not talking to me.

Post by Layne »

Actions and time were the only things that worked for me to repair relationships that I had harmed in my battle with alcoholism. I learned that talk is cheap, anybody can do it, and I had done it plenty. The actions that worked for me were to get a copy of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and to follow the suggestions in it.

These actions coupled with the passing of time allowed my relationships to be repaired and the battle with the bottle to be won. I am still an alcoholic, but I don't drink and it is no longer a battle to not drink. I have learned how to live without alcohol and more importantly to love life without it.

Putting down the bottle and picking up the big book was the best thing I have ever done, and it was the start of a whole new life beyond my wildest expectations.

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Re: Relapsed, son not talking to me.

Post by Lali »

I agree 100% with Layne. It has been my experience that living amends are more effective than the words "I'm sorry". After leaving my home in another state to move to my parent's town, I was able to make living amends. A few months after moving here and making myself available when needed (my parents are elderly), my mother told me that my father "liked" me. I said, I would hope so. My mother went on to explain that of course my father LOVED me, but he made a point of saying he thought I was a really kind, loving human being and that he really liked and respected me for it.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Re: Relapsed, son not talking to me.

Post by positrac »

Lali wrote:my mother told me that my father "liked" me. I said, I would hope so. My mother went on to explain that of course my father LOVED me, but he made a point of saying he thought I was a really kind, loving human being and that he really liked and respected me for it.
You know that is a powerful statement and the one I believe we all need in order to feel whole as a people..... With regards to the original post I read is sad and yet we don't know the whole story of events and I say everyone is outta control right now and everyone needs to back off and just take a breath.

If this lady needs to attend another rehab in order to find peace and a sober life style then she should be proactive and seek help and pull back and allow some time and clear minds to prevail. Since I am not a mother I haven't a clue of this "thing" women do with family and having to feel necessary in the circle of family. For me as a man I can pull back and become reclusive if necessary and I know my wife can't.

I hope this lady will seek the proper help and one point is no promises are ever given when we become sober and change our lives and so "expectations" are normal although thin ice breaks. This topic pulled at my heart because currently I have a grown child that I've known for 20 years and although not my blood I love them but could do with out them because they are a cloud of addiction and it is totally powerless and thankfully they aren't under my roof.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.


Re: Relapsed, son not talking to me.

Post by Noels »

Hi Leticia, my heart ached while I was reading your post as that was my biggest fear when I stopped drinking 7 months ago. I am truly sorry that it came true for you.
The only thing I can think of at this moment is to suggest you take the pain and guilt you're feeling and channel it into becoming sober. On the ' whatever it takes ' basis.
Unfortunately we have hurt and disappointed so many times before that 'sorry ' have no meaning anymore so the only way we can apologise now is to actually stay sober.
Apart from that I would say give your little one some space. A 13 year old is dealing with his /her own changes which is difficult enough - they are changing from child to pre -teen which brings their own emotional and physical difficulties so dealing with mom's issues on top of that could not emotionally possible for him /her right now.
As my post is quite late I hope you've already started AA meetings. If not it's not too late. This time pour your heart into your recovery. Just do it for yourself and allow everything else to happen as it should.
Let us know how it's going k?
Love and light
Noels xxx

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Re: Relapsed, son not talking to me.

Post by SoberSarahK »

I am so sorry your son is angry. I remember when I hit rock bottom, so many people were angry at me and it was the most uncomfortable feeling. But, I think, especially for his age, this is a really normal response. I think respecting him and where he is at and giving him the distance he wants is the right thing to do for now. He’s gotta cool down, and you have to have sobriety and sober activity efforts to show for yourself. This may be a bit controversial for this forum, but I can’t recommend Russell Brand’s book Recovery highly enough. I’m a staunch feminist so the Big Book tends to get....tedious for me. Recovery not only has a lot of humor and irreverence, it has a complete 12 step program with more detailed questions that are mindful and will give you more time to be be introspective and probing but in a gentle way. Because for me to stay sober, I had to dig deep and confront myself and hold myself accountable for my addict behavior and having the answers to why I was compulsively coping instead of relying on my resources and tools to do so healthy way. It really can be painless if you let go to your attachments to the comfort the behavior provides and try new things to replace the unhealthy ones. I am concerned for you that your husband would literally chase you out of the house! I heard someone say this in a meeting and it really resonated with me: “I am waaaaay to comfortable in f’ed up situations.” I’m not assuming anything but if you are being abused, even just by being shamed and kept away, you do not deserve that. If there is a cycle of violence perpetuating in your household (emotional or physical) you have got to find resources to stay away and maintain your sobriety. I wish you the best of luck!

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