Feeling Guilty

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby ezdzit247 » Tue Dec 29, 2015 1:30 pm

cpr123 wrote:She made it into a detox. I had to drive 4 hours to get her there and felt bad leaving but I believe she wants to be clean. Thanks for all the advice and help. I guess I'll post on the al-anon for all the other questions I run across dealing with her addiction. I am feeling hopeful for my little family and great-full for AA. Thanks


That's wonderful news, cpr! Thanks for sharing it with us.... :D

Keep coming back....
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Chelle » Tue Dec 29, 2015 2:31 pm

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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Sun Feb 14, 2016 11:04 pm

she started using again and I called her on it. She tried to commit suicide while I was sleeping today waiting to go to work on the night shift. She is in ICU and doctors say there is no way to know how much damage is done until after she wakes from her drug induced sleep but say I should be hopeful for her because she has started to cough. How do I distance myself from her and allow her to hit bottom when all I want to do is save her and at the same time I am tired of the BS and scared she will put the children in harms way? I know she made this choice but why do I feel like I pushed her towards it. I'm sorry that all I do is dump on you guys and I am working on my fourth step I just wish there was some magic that could fix my family and all would be well. I love her but I also no longer trust her to do anything for anyone but herself. Why do we have to watch our loved ones do this to themselves? I have to protect my 3 little girls so should I be praying for courage to leave her. The idea is revolting. I want my family whole. My other family suggest to make a move now and get ahead of her for custody reasons. Are they right? Should I do something to protect the children? Should I let her have another chance? What is the moral thing to do? Give up on her now? Move on? She was causing me to question everything I saw. I know it was the drugs, but did I loose my wife to them? I sure feel like I did. She is still alive and may or may not be the same. What next?
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby OnPoint » Mon Feb 15, 2016 7:37 am

People in AA have told me a lot of things that I absolutely HATED hearing. Of all the truths that I have been told in AA, the thing I am going to say to you now is the thing that I hated hearing the most.

You teach people how to treat you.

If someone is messing up your life it is because you are teaching them that their behavior is OK. Accepting this fact is a very hard thing to do. It is called taking responsibility for yourself. In addition you have three little girls that need you to be responsible for them. Ask yourself this: twenty years from now do you want your little girls to be sitting in a therapists office saying "I was always afraid as a child because no one loved me enough to protect me"?

Yes, I know I am taking a hard line. In my experience addicts and alcoholics do not get sober because they can still get away the same old S***. Your wife has taken a lover. The fact that your wife's lover is not a person makes little difference.

Yes, I once lost someone that I truly, deeply loved to alcohol. We fell in love in the program and she went back out after two years. I thought I would lose my mind. Our AA friends eventually gave up on her but I couldn't. One night I asked her out to dinner. We ate and she drank. For dessert I ordered a piece of cake with a fresh shot of rum over it. Surely a piece of cake couldn't hurt me. I cut the first bite and raised it to my mouth, and I could smell alcohol, and I had a moment of clarity. I looked at her, I smelled the alcohol, and I realized what I was doing. I put the fork down, I looked at her, and I thought "if one of us has to die drunk, it has to be her". In that moment I let her go.

That's what it took for me.

I hope things turn out well for you.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Chelle » Mon Feb 15, 2016 9:48 am

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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby clouds » Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:23 pm

clouds wrote:Welcome cpr123

I'm really sorry you are having to go through all of this. Its really a tough spot to be in, I know, I've been there.

I believe your wife would be addicted to pills no matter what you would have done, or did do, or can do now or in the future.

Its an inside job, these addictions. Either she will come to understand her powerlessness over these drugs or she wont. If she doesnt, there is little chance she will stop using.

So, do the best you can do to stay sober and stable yourself and look after those kids of yours, I know you love them.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Tue Feb 16, 2016 8:06 am

Its funny how most of the problems i have all have pretty much the same answer no matter how big or small or how I try and ask them. Thanks for the replies and advice. I talked with a Chaplin at the hospital and he talked me down. I did a sort of fourth step on the situation laid out all options all fears and foreseeable consequences. I made an appointment to talk with a lawyer. I must protect my girls and she will never get well if I keep bailing her out. I still would like to find legal options just short of divorce but if it is not possible I must protect the girls first. This is an evil disease.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Chelle » Tue Feb 16, 2016 8:23 am

I hope that she gets well as far as the suicide attempt. It is a beautiful thing that you are sober and able to take care of your family. Thanks for the update :D
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby tyg » Tue Feb 16, 2016 10:26 pm

Keeping you and the family in my prayers.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Hanna » Wed Feb 17, 2016 5:46 am

Sending prayers to you and your family.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 2:18 pm

I am very grateful for all who have responded and tried to help me and offer me a solution to this difficult situation. I am grateful for your prayers and thoughts. I am still sober through all of this and that is a miracle. Just over 5 months ago I couldn't drive one mile out of the work parking lot before drinking and that was on a good day. Alcoholics Anonymous and the people on this board are the only reason I can not drink today. I just feel like that should be said. I did try an alanon meeting and even though it was me and two women they knew exactly what I was experiencing and seemed to know how to calm me down. I believe I'll keep going to it in addition to my own aa meetings. I hope someone out there will read all of this mess and realize just how powerful the program of AA can be.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby clouds » Sun Feb 21, 2016 8:37 am

I'm so glad you got to Alanon. It saved me from so much guilt that was dragging me down and I couldn't even think straight from the stress. They showed me how to look at it all from a different point of view and I got more focus onto how to rely on a Power Greater than myself to guide me through the tough days.

Thank you for comng back and letting us know how you are finding a way through these days. :)
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Sat Mar 26, 2016 7:25 am

My wife found another like minded individual while she was in a mental health facility after the suicide attempt. He is a known meth shooter. In the meantime one of my daughters (9 yo) was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The wife hasn't stayed at home with the children in 20 days. She took a box of insulin needles and looks to be loosing weight fast. She still will not tell me the truth about anything. Concerned people have contacted me to let me know she is now using meth. Even though we signed divorce papers she will not confess to do anything out of the normal, ever. I am so glad I am able to be clean and help my baby girl with her illness. If I was drinking, I assure you she would have gone asleep on more than one occasion without her mandatory snack or a shot. I would be lying if I didn't mention, the guilt still tries to creep in and say that this would have never happened if I hadn't pushed her to rehab in the first place. Truth is, if I hadn't, she would still be driving around high on pills with my children in the car and I wouldn't be able to stop her. I am now going to have to get a protection order to keep my children safe. She brought the meth addict to my house with the children when I thought she was just going to get them on the bus one morning. I was at work 30 miles away. I hate I have to protect them from their own mother and I feel like S*** about it. She is accusing me of planning to do this the whole time. Bad part is I knew something like this could happen and I was ready to do it but I didn't want to. There is no telling what she will do next and I changed all the locks in the house. I am now sleeping with one eye open. The girls don't know about the meth but they do know mommy likes her medicine. I am taking them to see a shrink Tuesday. The drink thought tries to work its way into my head every now and again but between this board, meetings, praying, and everyone I know helping me the thought doesn't stick around too long.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Lali » Sat Mar 26, 2016 8:35 pm

In a situation like this, there's no room to feel guilty. Do what you have to do to keep your children safe. They are your number 1 priority.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby D'oh » Sat Mar 26, 2016 9:20 pm

I say "Look after yourself first" Yes is sounds selfish, but without being on your program, where would your kids be? And who knows, the Program is based on Attraction not Promotion. Looking after yourself, may just help your Exe in the long run.
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