Feeling Guilty

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Noels » Mon Apr 04, 2016 11:59 am

Hi cpr123. From my side I'm sending a prayer of gratitude for you got sober just in time. Do whatever it takes to keep it up.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Tue Apr 12, 2016 7:17 pm

I am feeling a bit down today. It is our 13 year wedding anniversary. I went to a al-anon meeting today. It is the 3rd one I've been to. I know it is over and everything but I just want to dump on you guys.I don't do it in the face to face meetings because I've seen too many meeting turn into discussions about a problem when all the person was trying to do was get something off their chest. The marriage is over and now I will raise my girls with the help of family members and I'll keep them safe. It is just a bit depressing because I really believed in the sanctity of marriage. I know we both loved each other I just have to accept I lost her to drugs. It messes with my insecurities and fears of inadequacies that I revealed in my 4th step and asked to be removed in my 7th step. I guess I just want someone to tell me I'll be Ok and give me a hug. I do miss her but the person I miss truly hasn't been around for many years. I know you guys are not al-anon but to tell the truth I don't feel like signing up for another website. Besides I have gotten so much support here I feel like I owe ya'll an update every now and again. If for nothing else to let you know I'm still sober and my girls are safe and well taken care of.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Reborn » Tue Apr 12, 2016 7:37 pm

Hey cpr123...You're going to be OK my friend...if I could I would give you a hug. I know the pain you're dealing with well...its never easy but it will get better. Pray for her...hopefully one day she will find her own recovery. I'm reminded of what my sponsor told me once..."what if tomorrow when you woke up all you had left is what you were grateful for today...what would you have?" Try to focus on the good things...the things you are grateful for. You're sober...you have your children and whatever your Higher Power has in store for you is alot more wonderful than you can even imagine. I've been through some pretty crazy things in sobriety...but in the end they have worked out better than I could have hoped for. Nothing absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake...I'll say it again...You're going to be OK my friend :D
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Tue Apr 12, 2016 9:50 pm

I deleted the last post I made. I should not use the computer when angry. It doesn't ever look good.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Tue May 17, 2016 10:00 pm

Well the divorce is now official. The children are safe and secure. I have gotten help from my brother and sister-in-law with child care without condition. If it wasn't for them I'd be in a pickle and I let them know it. The don't even mind watching the girls an extra hour when I go to meetings.
I have no Idea of the condition of their mother. I feel bad for her when she is not around and still have trouble shaking the guilt but when I see her I almost instantly become filled with contempt, anger and distrust. I am trying not to let any of that get to me. I try and think of how to be useful but I cannot ever come up with much. I have full legal and physical custody of our girls, she has supervised visitation on every other weekend from 9 to 5. I'm so grateful I can now rest without worrying that she will pick them up from school, or the house, or my brothers and just leave and there would be nothing I can do about it. I can protect my girls.
I have stayed sober through all of this. If it was not for AA there is very little chance this would have turned out as well as it did. I'd probably be in jail and the girls would be in foster care. Around here DHS will step in very quick when both parents are in question. I never questioned myself as being a good dad, but the truth is, if it would have came to surface about volume of alcohol I consumed on a daily basis It would not have mattered how good of a dad I thought I was.

Now I have something else to worry about. I don't know squat about girls. We will make it though.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Wed May 18, 2016 12:09 am

Not sure if your suggesting I'm obsessive compulsive or if your just trying to say it will take a while to get over. Believe me, the burden of guilt I felt for her has become less and less, now that I have watched her make decisions on her own without me around to influence her. Guilt does still try and creep into my head when I least expect it. She is who she is. Looking back and being honest with my self i see she was fighting her own "demons" before she even ate the first pill. We fell in love and then we tried so hard to make it work but the drugs and alcohol eventually won. I lied to myself and my family, my coworkers, my friends, my AA group for years. I wanted what was true to not be true and I drunk. I wanted everyone to think our little family was as good as they get and nothing was wrong. It hasn't been right for 12 years.

I am not saying She caused me to drink I am saying the way I reacted to her and to anyone else around me made me uncomfortable and I had no choice but to drink. I could not feel comfortable unless I was drunk. I have been like that since I first drank at 14 years old. I am an alcoholic and I had to drink every day. I could skip a day or maybe two if I got sick enough but I know that I have had this condition my whole life. Where she fit in, she made me feel better almost like a drink. Then we became toxic to each other due to drugs and alcohol and, even though I didn't want to give up on her, I had to to protect the ones who could not protect themselves. I did not get sober for the girls either. I got sober because I was killing myself with alcohol and I didn't want to die just yet. It was then that I had to face the fact that my children were in danger and to do nothing was wrong.

I made no decisions on my own. I prayed, I talked to priest, preachers, psychologist, AA members, sponsers, Lawyers, family, her, prayed some more, asked y'all questions, prayed some more, and the answers where always the same. Protect the ones who cannot protect themselves. I feel no guilt for decisions I made since she went to rehab. The guilt that creeps in is for the lies and manipulations to her and for her that preceded. She is on my 8th but I've yet to do a 9th with her. right now I think it would be "Leading with the chin".

I cannot change the past and if I could I'm not sure if it would fix anything. I am grateful for my 3 girls and now I can rest assured they can be taken care of and at least the law is on my side.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby cpr123 » Wed May 18, 2016 12:12 am

Now my post looks funny because I was responding to someone else post and it is gone.
Oh well.

Does that happen or should I go to sleep?
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Brock » Wed May 18, 2016 3:58 am

Now my post looks funny because I was responding to someone else post and it is gone.

Posts are deleted which go against the guidelines this group has in place, sorry it caused a little confusion for you. The moderator log shows it was removed because the person is a known on line marketer, and commercial use of the site is considered spam.

Your posts still make a lot of sense, and this development of things now being legal, was your only option for the protection of your children. As you say it was not done without advise from several sources and included prayer, and the decision to protect your kids seems the only viable one. I have not been through anything as traumatic as this in sobriety, not even close, and all I can say is I admire how you have handled the challenge. God bless you and your girls, and may the days and years ahead be smoother sailing for you all.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby whipping post » Wed May 18, 2016 4:50 am

Your girls are very fortunate to have you. Way to hang in there.
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Re: Feeling Guilty

Postby Spirit Flower » Wed May 18, 2016 5:18 am

thanks for sharing CPR. With the steps and the fellowship, you'll get better and better.
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