Not getting support

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Not getting support

Postby JoeV1305 » Tue Nov 17, 2015 7:18 pm

I got hammered and pissed off my girlfriend of 3+ years. It is unfortunate that hurting someone I love so much was what it took for me to accept that I have a problem. When I would drink, usually 1-2 nights a week, I have no control and usually end up drinking myself out cold. I started doing some research and I've read through the doctor's note and chapter 3 of the big book. I thought just drinking beer or not pregaming was the answer. I now 100% believe I have a problem.

I've talked to my girlfriend and told her I want to stop drinking. Right now she doesn't believe I can do it and says that drinking isn't my problem. She believes my problem is I'm 28 and I'm unable to act like an adult and drink normally. I feel only time can fix this, is there anything I can say to help get her support?
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Re: Not getting support

Postby PaigeB » Tue Nov 17, 2015 10:20 pm

HI Joe - I don't know if there is anything you can say... the Big Book says that to our families, "years of hard drinking would make a skeptic out of anyone". I, for one, know that I said "I'm sorry! I am never going to do it again. I will do better, I promise." SOOO many times without being able to control my disease/drinking. And I guess you read that abnormal drinkers try to control AND enjoy our drinking. I could never do both at the same time!

And one more thing about the people who do not have this disease... they think differently about drinking than we do. It is possible for them to drink normally and that is what they want for us too. They have no experience with the phenomena of craving and therefore no frame of mind with which to understand how drinking affects our mind and our body and our spirit.

Action is the only thing that I was able to do. Not drinking one day at a time & while finding some peace and serenity in AA, eventually they allowed themselves to believe that maybe I would be able to stay stopped and that life would be easier, or at least different.

If she is interested, a companion program sprung up at the same time as AA. It is called Alanon. She may or may not want to participate. They have meetings like us and you can find them through this link.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/home
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Re: Not getting support

Postby whipping post » Wed Nov 18, 2015 6:07 am

The greatest support my wife gave me was letting me freely go to meetings or work on the steps when I needed time. It was "quiet" support. She knew that she couldn't fix me and that I had to work through this myself. To be honest though I didn't expect any support for trying to do something I should have been doing all along. :D
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Re: Not getting support

Postby Larryp713 » Wed Nov 18, 2015 10:39 am

whipping post wrote:The greatest support my wife gave me was letting me freely go to meetings or work on the steps when I needed time. It was "quiet" support. She knew that she couldn't fix me and that I had to work through this myself. To be honest though I didn't expect any support for trying to do something I should have been doing all along. :D


This is exactly how my experience has been, and I am grateful for that. My wife will finally, after ten months sober, listen for a few minutes as I talk about AA and the program. But I could just as well talk about astrophysics. She cannot relate to the comfort and thrill I get when I just think of drinking. It makes no sense to her. But she knows that whatever I have been doing the last ten months has kept me from drinking, which she thought would never happen. I don't know if she expects me to eventually drink again or if she is optimistic, and I have now stopped thinking about that. I know if I take care of today, continue to grow closer to God and stay sober, it really doesn't matter what she believes.

I thought our marriage was over when I came back into the program last year. If that would have happened, it would have been sad obviously. But it really wouldn't change what I needed to do. The support I get is from other AAs. I hope you find similar support. Larry
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Re: Not getting support

Postby JoeV1305 » Wed Nov 18, 2015 11:09 am

Thanks for sharing your stories, I will try to work through this knowing that she cannot understand what I am going through.
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Re: Not getting support

Postby ann2 » Thu Nov 19, 2015 2:07 am

But that's okay! It's okay that she doesn't understand. She doesn't have to. You have all of us, and people in meetings near you, who do.

Part of getting sober for me was accepting differences in others. I had to accept that not everybody understands my problem, and that helped me to accept that there are lots of other differences as well. Doesn't mean I can't have warm and lasting relationships with these people . . . quite the contrary! The challenges they give me help me grow and I cherish the opportunity to learn more and apply what little I know to improve.

However, I think that's only possible because I hang out with you all :)

Thanks,

Ann
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Re: Not getting support

Postby leejosepho » Thu Nov 19, 2015 6:15 am

JoeV1305 wrote:...I want to stop drinking. Right now she doesn't believe I can do it and says that drinking isn't my problem.

That is correct. The real alcoholic is just as powerless while sober as while drinking.

JoeV1305 wrote:She believes my problem is I'm 28 and I'm unable to act like an adult and drink normally.

That also is correct, and no amount of time will ever change it...but there are two issues that must be sorted here:

a. unable to act like an adult
The Steps (God as you understand God) can fix us so we never again take the first drink.

b. unable to drink normally
That is an allergy caused by some abnormal body chemistry but becomes irrelevant after we have taken the Steps and recovered from part a.
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time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
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Re: Not getting support

Postby Patsy© » Sat Dec 12, 2015 7:31 am

JoeV1305 wrote:I got hammered and pissed off my girlfriend of 3+ years. It is unfortunate that hurting someone I love so much was what it took for me to accept that I have a problem. When I would drink, usually 1-2 nights a week, I have no control and usually end up drinking myself out cold. I started doing some research and I've read through the doctor's note and chapter 3 of the big book. I thought just drinking beer or not pregaming was the answer. I now 100% believe I have a problem.

I've talked to my girlfriend and told her I want to stop drinking. Right now she doesn't believe I can do it and says that drinking isn't my problem. She believes my problem is I'm 28 and I'm unable to act like an adult and drink normally. I feel only time can fix this, is there anything I can say to help get her support?


Hi Joe,

If you want support to stop drinking, then please get to as many AA meetings as you can in your area, sit up front and listen. Identify and do not compare, get a Big Book and begin reading it...and let someone at the AA meeting know that you are NEW and then ask for help. WE have lost the ability to choose to NOT drink, once we take one drink of alcohol.......there is a solution for that, but you have to be where the solution IS....

Your girlfriend doesn't have to support you, why would she? She already knows that wanting to stop drinking and actually stopping are two different things. It doesn't matter what she believes your problem is.......what is vital is that YOU know what your problem is! Joe, changing the person you brought to AA by getting an AA sponsor and ask him to take you through the 12 steps of recovery, one step at a time is the solution. Joe, this isn't about your girlfriend and what she thinks or doesn't think........this is about YOU and your SOBRIETY, and what you are going to DO or NOT DO. Joe, take the focus off HER and put it on the only thing that you have any control over at all.....YOU and your own recovery!
Failed 12 Step Call? Not if we walk away sober!
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