My F*** mom

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

My F*** mom

Postby Momster5515 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 7:13 am

So after sitting down and navigating my way thru the web to this site, I'm still pretty f**ked up about my mom who I gave guardianship to when I went to prison about all the S*** with my kids. My oldest had pdd and he had to be picked up earlier from school Friday. I wasn't able to pick him up but I was able to be waiting for him on the porch when he got home. I'm super frustrated, my mom won't seem to let go of any of the responsibility so I can start doing what needs to be done for my kids and getting active in there life and school is hard because of this. I'm super pissed off and can't even calm myself enpuph to give a better idea on what's going on here. Or maybe the details don't matter so much. Going f**kingad.I can't even look at her . pissed when I'm around here at this point and I'm in my room pouting. With my 1 yr. old. My oldest wouldn't get outta bed this morning and she yelled at me about that and then emailed the school some S***. I told her Friday I wanted to talk to his teachers an get a plan going for him so he can avoid situations if at all possible like Friday. Motherf***er I'm so pissed.
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 7:36 am

I will be greatful that she was there when I was sick and had to go to prison. That is the attitude shift we are talking about. The 12 steps helps us get there. Hope you putting all the resentments on paper and address the selfishness and self-centeredness around each resentment. It will take sometime for your mom to gain confindence in you. Show her that you mean business by action. Then things will start turn around. Love and tolerance is our code.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby Niagara » Mon Oct 26, 2015 7:56 am

Hey momster

Breathe a little.

Sounds like you have a good resentment going there towards your mom.

So, what does the big book say about that? Many things...I'll list a few

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease. (Page 64)

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, frustration, and fear. (Page 145)

But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. (Page 66)

Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. (Page 117)


it might be worth an inventory on this, to get to the truth of it. Certainly, you must be rid of it.

Have you studied the family afterwards at all? It might be worth a read.

From my own experience, all is not magically repaired when we stop drinking. For a time in early sobriety for me, people were walking on eggshells, telling my how wonderful I was doing, etc etc. Then the hurt that I had caused really started to come out - when they had a bit of faith that I wasn't going to up and drink again because they'd challenged me.
Bottom line is, we create chaos in the lives of those around us. It takes time for that to settle down. It takes time for people to trust us. That isn't freely given...we must earn it, not by what we say but by our actions. When our actions are consistent, and they see a change in us over a period of time, perhaps then trust can start to come back in. Our families have little reason to have faith in us. how many times did we say 'I promise I'll do better' or words to that effect, only to ultimately let them down? In my case, many. I didn't end up in AA on the back of the first time I messed up, or even the tenth. Maybe not even the hundredth. This is where patience comes in.

They must see the change first. If my behaviour is the same as when I was drinking (or simply trying not to drink) they have little cause to believe that drinking won't follow, at some point.

Remember, if it weren't for your mum taking your kids in, where would they be? This is hard on them. A hard truth for me to swallow was I have no right to instant forgiveness, just because I stopped drinking.

Where are you at with your amends?

Best wishes

Niagara
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby Brock » Mon Oct 26, 2015 8:11 am

Nothing wrong with going off on a rant here many have before. It may sound crazy but AA stops us from doing that, we come because we couldn't stop drinking, we find a way not only to do that but a whole lot of other things. Our book says on page 64 that resentment is the number one problem, as Niagara mentioned, and also speaks of justified anger, yes you think you have every right to be angry, but when I felt that way I knew of one surefire solution: that was drinking and it solved nothing.

As others have suggested we tackle these primarily in steps 4 & 5, where we try to recognize our own part in things, we perhaps try to accept that yes I gave her control of the kids and now she doesn’t want to give it back, it's my fault she had to take control in the first place, maybe I will have to wait a while for her to come around to letting the control go.

These are dangerous times for you as far as stopping drinking goes, I did not have such things to deal with, but we all have stuff which breeds resentment and AA is the way out. If someone harmed my wife or a person close to me I will get mad as hell, I pray not mad enough to kill, but honestly this program has me in a position that I can't think of anything else that will get me very upset, try to hold on this will pass, I wish you the very best, you will look back and laugh about this in the not too distant future if you follow the program, best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby Duke » Mon Oct 26, 2015 9:57 am

Boy, do I ever feel your pain. Having to drag myself through yet another day of some completely intolerable situation while trying to remain sober and sane is something most of us have done at one time or another.

Fairly early on, my mother and I set mutually agreed upon boundaries for interacting with each other that were very helpful. We were only able to do this however, because my sponsor helped me understand that my intense unmanageable feelings were my problem, and to enlist my mother's help in dealing with them.

When I went to her and asked for her help in assisting me to find ways to productively deal with those almost overwhelming fears and resentments, she agreed and helped me come up with some pretty good ideas. By the time she died years later, we had actually become friends. Wonders never cease.

I wish you the best, but can assure you that the healing won't start until you accept that your resentments and fears are your problem to deal with. Your spiritual path cannot be put on hold for any reason. You'll only delay the solution.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby Momster5515 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 1:38 pm

I don't know if its Gods will or a miracle that I'm sober right now. The insanity in this F*** house its so hard for me to stay in my sane mind. My kids have paid the price because of my using and and drinking. I now get to sit here and attempt to work my program while they still suffer but by the hands of others. F*** cute. Real F*** cute. I can understand why someone with 20 yrs would blow their head off. Gods been in my face all day. I'm not blind to that. Do I let him take over. No, Im feeling to worthless. And feeling sorry for myself. This sucks. It got better and then I had to walk thru the kitchen to get to the bathroom because the wipey container is full of piss and I have to dump it. I mean I'd rather piss in a bucket in my room then see someone I'm not getting along with. F*** bullsbit.
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby PaigeB » Mon Oct 26, 2015 1:51 pm

Sounds like you need another alcoholic! You sound a lot like I did when I came in and it took A LOT of meetings before I could take any other positive action besides getting to a meeting! I felt crazy as hell. But being around other alcoholics really did help.

Call someone local or find the local office by following the links though aa.org
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources

Find some alcoholic women to be around. It really helped me. I hope it helps you too.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby leejosepho » Mon Oct 26, 2015 2:14 pm

Momster5515 wrote:I don't know if its Gods will or a miracle that I'm sober right now.

Maybe a little of each, and your own will seems to be in agreement in spite of the reality of some mere feelings.

...it's so hard for me to stay in my sane mind.

Keep asking for clarity while asking for direction and the strength needed for just doing the next right thing.

My kids have paid the price because of my using and and drinking.

The using and drinking were only symptoms of wrong thinking, attitudes and actions, and now your children can begin benefiting from healthy, helpful ones.

I now get to sit here and attempt to work my program while they still suffer but by the hands of others.

Our parents were never intended to raise our children, so be grateful for the good things done and keep working at doing what parents do.

I can understand why someone with 20 yrs would blow their head off.

The ones who take the Steps and continue in the principles do not.

God's been in my face all day. I'm not blind to that. Do I let him take over. No, I'm feeling to worthless...

God never expects us to first prove ourselves worthy. Only Santa Claws does that! ;)
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 2:43 pm

They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity.


This is exactly how I felt when I entered the fellowship of AA. Angry at the world. Super-Sesitive. And the relief came when I said f' it, I am going to come out clean. Wrote all the stuff that was bothering me at that moment, shared it with another alcoholic. Didn't know much how this all helped me, but I did it. Later on, I did another and when I went to a program called inner-awakening, I shared with few men and women. More and more people came to know the dark side my ego. More and more serenity crept into my being. Today, I am not that cranky person anymore.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby Momster5515 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 6:11 pm

Well my sponcer says I'm on step one. She's a new one. My first ones was a male. After having a spiritual awakenin . Worming the steps in a sober living envioment while in rehab
, I had to move back home. He went over my instruction in the big book to get myb4th step on paper. All the way to my ideal relationship. Then he fired me. I read my 5th step with a woman in rehab before coming home. Found a new sponcer in my hometown and she says I'm on step one. I felt I was ready to start ammends. I m so confused. I'm solely doing what my new step one sposwr is telling me to do. Calling her everyday. That's it. I feel like I need to do a another 4th step . thanks for all the replys. I'll have 6 months on the 5th. And I always feel like S*** gets shitty coming to a b day.
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby Momster5515 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 6:12 pm

Like I'm clawing my way to it. I do nothing with grace.ha
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby tyg » Tue Oct 27, 2015 2:49 am

I began to see the forces that drive my anger and emotions, and how to be free of them, when writing out my first Step 4. I had a recovered alcoholic take me through the 12 Steps, so I could get that entire "psychic change" and that new life AA promises I will have if I apply these spiritual principles & live them.

pg 66 "If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. The 12 Steps teach me to be free of anger. It's quite amazing really, how it all works out.

I had a lot of anger when I was new. I think most of us do or AA wouldn't have a solution that shows us how to live without it. It was suggested to me to say the 3rd Step prayer daily to start turning my will over to something other than myself. I was a newcomer who was to get newcomers phone numbers, call them and invite them to go to meetings with me. Anytime anger popped up, I said the St. Francis prayer below. Can replace the names, "Lord & Divine Master" with your God's name.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.


Ask God to do the below for me was also suggested as well:
We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

Many times doing these things made me angry but, I did it anyway; and kept doing it. I was willing to do anything to get over drinking and change my life around. I am so glad I did, because it worked to help change my life. It will for yours too.

You were in the process of changing sponsors. Have you found another recovered alcoholic to work with you yet?
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby leejosepho » Tue Oct 27, 2015 3:08 am

Can replace the names, "Lord & Divine Master" with your God's name.

Only necessary if you might insist upon one other than our Creator, and even then the mere word "God" is still not actually any god's name.
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Oct 27, 2015 4:05 am

I felt I was ready to start ammends. I m so confused.


Yep, it could be daunting. Making amends is not saying sorry, We don't repeat the mistakes we made. We fix the relationship. From what you posted yesterday, I am not sure you are ready to make amends. This kicking and calling names doesnt bode well. People will easily pick the negativity. Pray that you resentments against your mom goes away. My sponsor pointed to this paragraph:

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: My F*** mom

Postby PaigeB » Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:39 am

Hi again!

It is pretty common around here (Iowa) that when one changes sponsor's one gets to at least breeze through step one - three. If you feel like you need to do a another 4th step, then all the better to re-affirm 1-3. It is a way for the sponsor & the sponsee to bond, but they are also Steps that I use every day and I am glad my sponsor had me move slowly and be consider each word and what it meant to me. We started reading the Dr's Opinion all the way through to page 164.

Congratulations on 6 months!!! That is a long time for a drunk to go without a drink. I just gave my sponsee her 6 month chip and she is working Step 3, so you two are on the same track. You can think of her, Victoria, no matter where you are in time and space, there is another woman trudging beside you! Come back on the 5th so we can all celebrate together here at the e-aa Forums!

And I want to tell you that I too get a bit "S*** gets shitty coming to a b day." :lol: It is like my brain is saying, "Maybe you over-estimated this thing... maybe you are not a alkie and you just need a drink!" Luckily, my brain answers itself by saying, "Normal drinkers don't think like that!" :lol: If I was a normal drinker, I would be drunk all the time! :lol:
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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