My adult daughter.

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Thu Aug 20, 2015 10:47 am

My daughter has completed step five and therefore she was able to send me a message to tell me a little about the program they have at her rehab. Its all step work and she has got a lot of support. She posted her picture along with my grandson who is now able to visit her. Hetook her out for lunch. It was painful to see the picture, she would be unrecognizeable to me if I saw her on the street she has lost so much weight. I guess that must have been the drugs. She was always so muscular and sturdy before.

She said she willbe leaving rehab at the end of August.

Does anyone who has been dually addicted have advice for me about any differences in how the program of AA and Na are worked? It sounds a bit different!
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:16 am

I guess not.

Thats OK.

Could anyone tell me their experiences with 12 step oriented rehab. Have you been to rehab and did your step work there coincide with how you work the program today?

Did it help or did you redo the steps as you got more soberr time in?

She has really worked very hard on the steps in rehab. She has written way over 200 pages doing the steps.

How could that be ? I would like to know if anyone had a positive experience with 12 step rehab.

Please.

Anyone?
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby ann2 » Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:54 am

The only important experience right now is your daughter's. You're the mom. Don't be the recovery person. Be the mom and love no matter what. There was a grapevine article on this topic that affected me deeply and reminded me how much better my relationship got with my father once I let go of needing him to be sober. I found I could love him better without the demand for recovery in him. The grapevine article was about a father who finally adapted to being there for his son despite the son's drinking. They became close and that helped the son turn to his father when he was finally ready.

In my father's case, death came first. But I was so grateful I hadn't wasted the time we had together wanting him to be something other than he wanted.

Ann
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:39 am

I was an Alanon member since she was 14. Of course I want her to be sober. Whether she is or not doesn't change my unconditional love for her. I'm sorry you would have thought otherwise about me. Are you ok?

She is 44 now and has been her own person all these years I have no desire to interfere. I do feel curious about rehab. I hear so much negativity about it here on this site and from many AA members. Why are they negative about rehab? She is in Canada and I am in France. She wrote to me about the rehab program and she has worked very hard at it. It sounds vastly different than regular AA even though its based on the steps.

She was in AA many years ago, I made sure I went to different meetings so I could stay detached. I knew she drank for about 20 years now, she told me and I never mentioned it. She hasnt let me know what street drugs she has been on, just that it is street drgs and she has become very ill she said, physically completly beaten, was the word she used. I fear it is heroin, but I would not think of asking her for any information she doesnt care to give to me.

I don't NEED her to be sober, remember, my other daughter is dead, this is a lot different than a father or a cousin, but I will say, if it is God's will that she dies from her addictions I will accept it.
We have a good relationship as far as I know, she confides in me and her letter from rehab I received was beautiful. I have always been there for her, why wouldnt I be?
What gave you the idea I don't know how to love her even if she doesnt get clean and sober?
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:50 am

ann2 wrote:The only important experience right now is your daughter's. You're the mom. Don't be the recovery person. Be the mom and love no matter what. There was a grapevine article on this topic that affected me deeply and reminded me how much better my relationship got with my father once I let go of needing him to be sober. I found I could love him better without the demand for recovery in him. The grapevine article was about a father who finally adapted to being there for his son despite the son's drinking. They became close and that helped the son turn to his father when he was finally ready.

In my father's case, death came first. But I was so grateful I hadn't wasted the time we had together wanting him to be something other than he wanted.

Ann


Where did you get that my daighter does not want to get clean and sober?
If you didnt think that, why write these things?
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby ann2 » Wed Aug 26, 2015 10:05 am

My apologies. I didn't mean to imply that I had doubts about your daughter's desire to be sober. I should have been more clear. What I was trying to pass on was the way I had wanted my father to be this or that, and how my wanting that had interfered with our relationship. Then I read this GV article about a dad who abandoned his efforts to try and get his son sober, and decided simply to be there for him. It was really powerful for me, because I understood how much the dad wanted his son to be sober. Yet, he decided to abandon that want so that he could be there for the son without the "how to be sober" hanging between them.

I think it's the basis of the Al-Anon technique. Just another way to explain it, for me.

My child for example -- he was a daughter, now he's a son. He was having lots of trouble emotionally and I wanted so much to give him the fruit of what I went through . . . finally however I realized I had to abandon any hope of sparing him the pain I'd gone through, even though we share a diagnosis. Now I just love him, and tell him that, and smile and listen.

Ann
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Wed Aug 26, 2015 10:56 am

Thank you Ann.

Can't imagine how difficult that transition would be. Courage must have been a big part of it for both of you.

today I am seeing your experience born advice as a more palatable option.

I think what I see in myself is insecurity because I didn't try to share more of how I got sober with several of my loved ones.
I read in what you wrote that originally you tried sharing your experience then found it was better to 'just be a Mom' .. as you well said it.

I will most likely share some of my esh with my girl, and also let her know she can take what she wants and leave the rest.

I can come right out and just ask her if she's feeling smothered by my ideas or if she feels I'm being a controller. She's the type of personality that will let me know if I'm being a pest.

Thanks for sharing about your son, its amazing. I take away thoughts about how we may pass through nearly the same experiences as another and yet our own spiritual, emotional and mental outlook will be unique.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Thu Jul 07, 2016 9:13 am

My Adult Daughter celebrated one year of sobriety last week! :D :D :D
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby PaigeB » Thu Jul 07, 2016 12:52 pm

OH! That is fantastic!!! I send my Love out to the Universe for Godspeed delivery!
:mrgreen: :D :) :P :wink: :mrgreen: :? :D :shock: :wink: :| :D :) :mrgreen:
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby Troy M. » Fri Jul 08, 2016 5:42 am

Great News! Thanks for sharing!!
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby Layne » Fri Jul 08, 2016 7:53 am

Awesome!!! I am glad!
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby Hanna » Wed Jul 13, 2016 6:25 pm

That is wonderful news Clouds, thanks for sharing it with us. So happy for you and your family.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby Lali » Wed Jul 13, 2016 9:21 pm

That's awesome news, clouds!
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