Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Postby RobinB » Sun Apr 26, 2015 9:16 pm

Been married almost a year and we both know we are problem drinkers. I decided to get sober and work a program. My husband, who is wonderful, told me he isn't ready to change. He wrestles with the thought of how to support me without giving up drinking, and it's driving him crazy. At first, he tried controlled drinking, but now it's back to every night again.
For the first few weeks, I did pretty good. The hard part for me was knowing that our marriage will change because we drank all the time together. He doesn't go out.
Now, I'm having intense cravings to join him, partly because I miss the drink but mostly because I feel strange having a distance between us. When he starts drinking, I usually go to a different room. I'm just days away from my one month birthday, so this is really hard.
I do have a sponsor, but I miss my husband.
I guess I just need some encouragement because I know this isn't going to be easy. I'm just afraid of the long-term affects my sobriety will have on my marriage.

Thanks, Robin
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Re: Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Postby PaigeB » Sun Apr 26, 2015 10:22 pm

For me the first few months were the hardest. My husband does not drink but my kids do and family parties were always here. After a while they fell off though, lol. Anyway, I had to admit to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic - I had a disease (Step 1)(pg 30 of the Big Book). I could never drink safely again. It says in the book that some folks have gone back and do well for a while, but it is always followed by still more pitiful and incomprehensible, demoralization. i have never tried it. I like being free from the craving s and all the crap I had to do to get drunk, stay drunk and recovery everyday only to get drunk again.

Just keep going to as many meetings as you can. Reading here day and night and get to work on the Steps with your sponsor. I have my husband back even though I go to 4 meetings a week sometimes! At first though, I had to practice NOT picking up every time it called to me - or succumb when my brain tried to talk me into a few. I had to practice going to a meeting instead or reading the Big Book or calling a gal on the phone... or cleaning the bathroom until the craving passed.

Keep coming here. Come everyday. That's what I do and I haven't felt it desirable to drink in a few 24 hours.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Postby Brock » Mon Apr 27, 2015 7:37 am

Welcome to e-AA Robin. My wife continued to drink after I stopped, but she was not an everyday drinker. It did trouble me a bit at first, not that I was tempted to join in, but I really can’t stand the smell of alcohol on someone’s breath, and if you start slurring your words I have little patience.

What it did affect was what little sex life we had left in us; we are seniors so this was not something we did often, but as you know drink sometimes gets folks thinking along those lines. I am a fan of old time country music and would put on the record which says “don’t come home a drinking with loving on your mind,” it’s a sixties song by Loretta Lynn, at any rate she would get the message with that song.

A funny thing happened, her drinking slowed down as she saw me get contented and at ease with my sobriety; and this only happens after we do the steps and live the way they suggest, it has slowed to almost zero, for example she had some wine to ring in the new year and nothing since, our marriage has never been better than it is now.

Of course we don’t know if your husband will slow down the way my wife did, what we do know however, is when you do what is asked in the AA program, the temptation to drink will not exist. I wish you the best in working the program, and sincerely hope the present difficulties with your hubby’s drinking don’t cause too much heartache.
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Re: Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Postby RobinB » Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:21 am

Thanks! I appreciate this forum because I am still hesitant to call someone and bother them with my cravings. I know I need to, but it's still weird for me. Especially when my husband is around. I think the hard part is knowing our relationship is going to be so different.
I had a particularly hard night last night, but reading the forum posts and praying helped. I went to bed very proud of myself that I didn't give in.
My husband tells me he is proud of how strong I am. I need to be a good example and stay committed.
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Re: Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Postby clouds » Mon Apr 27, 2015 11:35 am

Hi Robin,

Its not easy but its do-able. My sponsor told me to quit playing god in my husband's life. Her take on it was that people get sober when they are ready, not when we are ready for them to get sober. She also said I wasnt ready for his sobriety. That might have been true too, at any rate,he didnt sober up for a few years. At my sponsor's suggestion I just kept doing the best I could in my life: a sober mother to my children, a capable cook and house keeper, attended three meetings a week , and kept doing the 12 stepsto the best ofmy ability at thetime. I was very lucky and developed somegreat friendships with some AA women who came over and as they were married, as couples we all would get together which gave my husband a chance to get to know other AA members, and some husbands who social drank and werent in AA as well. I think that is how he decided to get to AA and sober up himself, he began to see he was an alcoholic too. Unfortunately he also had a sex addiction which eventually destroyed our marraige.

If we sweep up our own side of the street, we will be ok. I found sobriety had more to do with what I did than with what my husband did, or anyone else, for that matter. Sometimes we can feel drawn to destroy ourselves, even though its obvious a drink could spell death. Sometimes we feel wierd being the good one, while we used to be the naughty one. You might take a look at some ofthe reasons you are drawn back to drink? An inventory on yourself may help you discover what it is in yourself that makes you feel like drinking with him is desireable.

All the best to you Robin as you sort it out and talk more deeply about this with some other AA women who may have been through the same thing.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Postby Lali » Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:53 pm

Welcome, Robin. I am not in your situation and never have been but I think it's great that you are sharing your concerns with other alcoholics. Absolutely do try to find other women in your situation.

I was thinking along the same lines as clouds. If you could ask your husband in a loving way to go with you to some meetings for the purpose of supporting you, what he hears may be just what he needs to hear.

I wish you all the best.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Postby Tosh » Tue Apr 28, 2015 2:11 pm

RobinB wrote:Thanks! I appreciate this forum because I am still hesitant to call someone and bother them with my cravings.


I've been in A.A. for over six years (not sober that long though :lol: ) and I must've given my number out to countless alkies and said, "Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink!"

Do you know how many have phoned me before they drank? All added up? ONE - that's right - ONE! :lol:

Many have phoned me AFTER they've picked up, but only one before they picked up. And when this guy phoned me, it really threw me to be honest, because he was a first for me.

My suggestion is, go put a recovered alkie on their back-foot, and phone them before you pick up a drink. Then post back here what their reaction was and what they said. You might make me smile with their reaction, or teach me something new. But I bet it'll help you keep away from a drink for that moment.

Ultimately the solution is to be found via the steps; well done on your sober time and well done on getting a sponsor. You're very brave; it takes some guts for people like us to do this kind of stuff.

Regards

Tosh
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: Newly Sober and Hard Time With Cravings

Postby desypete » Tue Apr 28, 2015 2:40 pm

Tosh wrote:
RobinB wrote:Thanks! I appreciate this forum because I am still hesitant to call someone and bother them with my cravings.


I've been in A.A. for over six years (not sober that long though :lol: ) and I must've given my number out to countless alkies and said, "Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink!"

Do you know how many have phoned me before they drank? All added up? ONE - that's right - ONE! :lol:

Many have phoned me AFTER they've picked up, but only one before they picked up. And when this guy phoned me, it really threw me to be honest, because he was a first for me.

My suggestion is, go put a recovered alkie on their back-foot, and phone them before you pick up a drink. Then post back here what their reaction was and what they said. You might make me smile with their reaction, or teach me something new. But I bet it'll help you keep away from a drink for that moment.

Ultimately the solution is to be found via the steps; well done on your sober time and well done on getting a sponsor. You're very brave; it takes some guts for people like us to do this kind of stuff.

Regards

Tosh



@ tosh
next time you give your number out to a new comer try and get there number, as you know as well as i do that they will very often not bother to call when there in need, so for me i get there number, and i call them or text them just once in a day asking how they are. it can make all the difference give it a try and see for yourself : )

as to the op and the cravings, i had to keep busy all of the time and not give my head a chance to go off into drinking land, i used the aa meetings as my safe house, i would go day and night as what i found was when i was in the meetings my cravings would not be there, my mind would stop torturing me, i would hate it when the meetings ended as it ment i had to go back to my empty flat and go through all the mind stuff all over again, but i started to see that being in the rooms of aa made me go home agiain with a better frame of mind, it would soon pass and i would need another meeting and another one to get me back on track

soon enough i started to get used to not drinking, aa was working despite me. later on i got a sponsor and the steps and that was the key for me to start to live a new way of life, facing myself head on with my utter selfishness and learning how to do things for others etc

but i never forget my early days and just how i got through them without aa and the help got i would never of stood a chance on my own.
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