being treated like a child by partner!

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby avaneesh912 » Wed Apr 08, 2015 7:13 pm

I am not sure about your understanding of a higher power. If you do have some conception of a higher power, you may sincerely ask for help. And help will be made available but you will have to be willing to take action.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
User avatar
avaneesh912
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 4646
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Lali » Wed Apr 08, 2015 8:04 pm

I would like to give you some advice, Barbara - do not let your ex=husband define who or what you are. I'm sure there is no love lost between you two and he's just trying to bring you down. Don't give him that power over you.

If you fear that you will lose your children if you pursue counseling, I would suggest that you not go to counseling; instead, go to AA. The people in AA will love you until you learn to love yourself. If you actually work the program of AA, I can promise you that your life will get better which means your children's lives will get better. Get to some meetings and ask for help. You will get help here as well, but please do get to some face to face meetings. Why not find one to go to tomorrow and go to it? Even if you have the idea in mind that you are going to drink tomorrow, I would suggest that you go to a meeting first.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
Lali
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 4869
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Tosh » Thu Apr 09, 2015 12:46 am

barbera-bell wrote: I could push drink to one side but its my only company.. My warmth. My only friend. I want to stop but how? I'm nothing without a drink in my hand.


I would think just about every member of this site would identify with that; I know I certainly do. Particularly the 'how?' part. Life without drinking can appear to be neigh impossible and I'd be willing to bet that you've been contemplating suicide too. I'm guessing that because suicide seemed like an easier option than stopping drinking. I even had it all planned. I'd take a long drive into the Welsh Brecon Beacons, with a load of tablets, a couple of bottles of whisky, and a sleeping bag (I didn't want to be cold when I was dying did I :lol: ), and I'd find a quiet spot, and neck the lot.

Luckily I ended up at my first A.A. meeting before I topped myself. Going to that meeting was probably the single best thing I've ever done in my life. A.A. is weird - there's a lot of humour there (my A.A. homegroup is fun - they're my family) and we'd love to have you. You sound like you'd fit right in.

And I know ladies who have lost their children, that was their rock bottom, and they came to A.A., recovered, and got them back again. Many of our children actually respect us for our recoveries; my step daughter and I have a fantastic relationship. My other two children I've not seen in over a decade. They don't want to know me; not yet anyway. Some things take time, but it doesn't have to be that way for you.

They say if we keep drinking, things will get worse, but if we stop drinking, things will get better. A.A. shows us a way we can stay sober; it works.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 3651
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby positrac » Thu Apr 09, 2015 3:54 am

barbera-bell wrote:I can't get to a meeting. I just left a women's refuge. I gave strength. For my kids. I'm drinking i can't even look at the huge dinner I made us. The kids are always fed, always happy but I know I don't look after myself. I'm 29, I'm not a model but I'm not unattractive. I love music, I love family, I welcome friends. I'm 259 miles from my friends and family. My kids are fine... I make sure of that but they will grow up and hate me in time x

I can't give a specific answer as I am a guy and my maternal thoughts are like going to a monster truck jam or a tractor pull! What I know is I can and I will fail myself and those around me if I allow for distractions. Your kids are extremely important and they deserve more than you can give at this point in time.......

I say you gotta wanna if this is going to work. We live at times with one foot barely in front of the other and other times we have a spring in our step. I find it hard that no one in your area has a clue in a way you could make one meeting and or get some kind of needed help to keep you stable.

I'll close with this: To thy own self be true.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
User avatar
positrac
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 1137
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 4:03 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Lali » Thu Apr 09, 2015 6:24 am

Hi again, Barbara-bell.

I grew up as a child of an alcoholic. An interesting thing about children is that they tend to blame themselves when parents divorce or when a parent commits suicide (my ex-husband's child is struggling with his father's suicide) or when a parent is an alcoholic (when my sister and I became adults I asked why she seemed to dislike me when we were children and her response was that she thought that I was the reason our father drank as I was the one of the subjects of my father's wrath. I felt like I was on an island on my own and apart from the rest of the family).

Children of alcoholics often have to grow up fast and often even take on the role of caretaker for the alcoholic parent and/or the younger children. Children of alcoholics often feel guilty for their parents drinking and go to great lengths to pretend they are happy as a way of protecting their alcoholic parent.

I never heard of Al-Anon until I was 17. By that time I was already seeing a counselor who had knowledge of substance abuse. I don't know how old your children are but they may benefit now or later on by attending Ala-Teen meetings.

I share this with you because you said in one of your posts that you do not want your children to hate you later. I hope you don't mind the unsolicited advice.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
Lali
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 4869
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby desypete » Thu Apr 09, 2015 10:04 am

barbera-bell wrote:I just hunted my house high and low and found my stash. In my electric cupboard. A bottle of red wine and 4 pear ciders. Its half satisfaction and half despair. I know I'll drink it all and it won't be enough. I won't get drunk. I'll function and i will tell anyone I meet in fine... I will care for my kids. I'll push away anyone who cares. I could push drink to one side but its my only company.. My warmth. My only friend. I want to stop but how? I'm nothing without a drink in my hand. Alley cat...I'm that low he isn't wrong, s sket, worst woman to have a kid with. Just like my mother.


i can totaly understand where your coming from and indeed it all does look so so dark right now, nothing is going the way it should and the pressure your under is forcing you to drink right ?

that is this illness at work barb, the way your living right now is exactly what happens to us all who have been there, the truth it the drink and the illness is the cause of alll this not the social workers or the law or the others who might get on your case

the only friend int he world is the booze but does it make anything go away ? do the social workers go away and leave you to drink in peace ?

i lost my kids to the social services, they were fed and loved but the truth is i couldnt get up in the morniings to get them to school, the home became like a pigsty as cleaning up was just to much at times, my older kids had to end up looking after the younger ones and both me and there mum as we would get so dam drunk and out of it all

the social services had no choice but to remove the kids and i hated them for that, how dare they say i was unfit to look after my kids as i loved them and never ever hurt them, yet kids do not deserve to see mum and dad drunk day after day arguing fighting with each other etc

its just a downward route with the drinking, i didnt stop at losing the kids, i lost my home and everything else, you can find a stash hidden at the moment but one day you will never be able to afford a stash as it will rob every penny you have

the only way i got my life back was by going to aa and seeking there help

i could stay at home all day long typing up on a computer and staying in isolation and not going out but it will not help me grow or get better i have to take action

my only fear is you might have to also be like me and end up losing the kids to social services but you can make sure that never happens aa can help you if you want it barb

its been over 10 years for me since i had a drink, and i have come back from nothing to having my kids returned to me, having a job, having a car again, having some money i can spoil my kids with, the kids have got there dad back the sober guy they loved so much, the drunken bum is a thing of the past for me today, but i have learned so much along the way and i am still learning,

it all starts barb with you willing to try a simple task, try to not pick up just 1 drink for 1 day. in that day do whatever it takes to keep busy, get to a meeting go day and night like i did, being around other alcholics is just amazing what help there is, you will hear about getting a sponsor and doing the steps and if your up for it then do so as soon as you can, but if not dont worry just keep coming back and hearing from the others in aa i feel sure there will be some other lady in the fellowship who will have been in your postion and who will become a friend to you should you wish
you can lean on them barb you might not trust anyone right now but for some odd reason in aa once i could see they didnt want anything from me at all other than to see me get sober like they were well i came to trust people

so i would urge you to start right away, pour any drink you have away and just put one foot infront of the other, take 1 thing at a time its not a race

or you could always stay as you are and hope that you get lucky and all the bad things will not happen to you, but being honest with you this illness will not let go

good luck barb and i really hope you can get to aa what area are you in ? i will find you some numbers to post up for the area if no one else has done so that is ? contact them and they should be able to send someone around to visit you one on one or meet you away from your home if your scared about going to a meeting on your own, they can take you

its all there for you barb so its up to you if you want it or not either way barb it will always be there for you whenever you have had enough,
desypete
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 405
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:23 pm

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Hanna » Thu Apr 09, 2015 4:45 pm

Hi Barbara,
barbera-bell wrote: I'm broken but I'm not hurting anyone but myself.

I always told myself that my drinking wasn't hurting anybody but me. After a few months of sobriety I realized how much my drinking affected my kids. I may have been there physically but I had no real relationship with my kids anymore. I was too busy obsessing about drinking and having enough alcohol stashed around the house. Because of alcohol I stopped thinking about my kids and their needs, I left them without a mom, even though I was physically there, I wasn't "there". I realized how long I had been disconnected from them when one night while we all watched tv together I realized how new that felt, in the past I was also dozing on the couch, now I was up making tea and putting out cookies. This simple evening with my family felt new and yet familiar.
I hope you get to a meeting and get involved with AA, there is a solution to the obsession and in AA you will find it. Sending prayers your way~
Hanna
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace
User avatar
Hanna
Forums Long Timer
 
Posts: 705
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:04 am
Location: New Jersey

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Fri Apr 10, 2015 10:39 am

Thanks for all your kind replies. I am taking it all in and doing what I can. I stayed away from drink for most of the day. I got to my solicitors appointment and although I was a shaking rambling mess and I felt worse after hearing what I'm in for in court I have made a start! I also called the AA helpline and someone is going to call me and take me to my first meeting. Suicide has crossed my mind if it was just me I wouldn't think twice but I have 3 amazing kids who need me! Drinking is just slow suicide tho I can't carry on like this! My daughter said this morning "mummy ur wine is outside the front door u said u didn't want it anymore coz you had just fallen over outside" this was on the way home after taking kids to the funfair then to the Indian restraint where we had dinner then ran off without paying! What am I teaching my kids and how long before my stupid drunken actions really does hurt someone I care about? I'm on borrowed time and if I don't stop it won't end well will it!? I'm powerless and I do need help! I have been honest with my ex now and although the relationship is done he is going to support me as much as he can. He will babysit while I go to meetings, he isn't a bad person at all. I feel so guilty he needs me to be there for him he wants to be loved and although I love him I'm too messed up and I'll only hurt him if I don't change. The fact his ex wife is an alcoholic makes me wonder if he has an issue and perhaps needs alanon? Another ex of mine has an alcoholic mother and he kept her "secret" all his life until he got with me and I was his therapist dealing with what she put him thru. Maybe I was so much like her I could understand and help dissolve his anger towards her! I'm good with other people's problems but my life is a F*** mess! Lol x
barbera-bell
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:08 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby ezdzit247 » Fri Apr 10, 2015 12:03 pm

barbera-bell wrote:Thanks for all your kind replies. I am taking it all in and doing what I can. I stayed away from drink for most of the day. I got to my solicitors appointment and although I was a shaking rambling mess and I felt worse after hearing what I'm in for in court I have made a start! I also called the AA helpline and someone is going to call me and take me to my first meeting. Suicide has crossed my mind if it was just me I wouldn't think twice but I have 3 amazing kids who need me! Drinking is just slow suicide tho I can't carry on like this! My daughter said this morning "mummy ur wine is outside the front door u said u didn't want it anymore coz you had just fallen over outside" this was on the way home after taking kids to the funfair then to the Indian restraint where we had dinner then ran off without paying! What am I teaching my kids and how long before my stupid drunken actions really does hurt someone I care about? I'm on borrowed time and if I don't stop it won't end well will it!? I'm powerless and I do need help! I have been honest with my ex now and although the relationship is done he is going to support me as much as he can. He will babysit while I go to meetings, he isn't a bad person at all. I feel so guilty he needs me to be there for him he wants to be loved and although I love him I'm too messed up and I'll only hurt him if I don't change. The fact his ex wife is an alcoholic makes me wonder if he has an issue and perhaps needs alanon? Another ex of mine has an alcoholic mother and he kept her "secret" all his life until he got with me and I was his therapist dealing with what she put him thru. Maybe I was so much like her I could understand and help dissolve his anger towards her! I'm good with other people's problems but my life is a F*** mess! Lol x


Glad to hear you called the AA helpline and are going to let someone take you to your first AA meeting. I was about your age when I realized my life was a "F*** mess" because of my drinking. When I admitted that to myself and made that call to an AA helpline, it was the best decision I ever made. When a sober alcoholic woman called me back, asked me if I wanted to go an AA meeting with her, and I said yes, that was the second best decision I ever made. Before I went to that first meeting, I really had no idea how many other people in the world had a drinking problem like me, some much worse than mine, and had found a real solution to that problem and all of their living problems in AA. Here are the AA Promises from the Big Book which were read at the first meeting I attended:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."


Those promises began to be fulfilled in my life from my first AA meeting on. Listening to others share their experiences gave me the strength and hope I needed to believe I could also put the plug in the jug and stay sober too. Hope it works that way for you too.

Keep coming back....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
User avatar
ezdzit247
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 2077
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:38 pm
Location: California

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Sun Apr 12, 2015 2:39 am

I havnt had a call back from AA yet but I am doing a home detox. Feel awful! Got court papers thru yesterday it was sink or swim as he's making really nasty allegations. Very upsetting but instead of letting it break me I took kids out in the sun and had a nice time out. I did drink when we got back home. Today I'm having enough to function. Kids back at school tommorow so can get to a meeting at last.
barbera-bell
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:08 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Lali » Sun Apr 12, 2015 5:22 am

How long ago did you call AA? They call back right away when someone reaches out and calls them so I don't understand why you haven't head from them. Give them another call. See if someone will meet you at a meeting. They can either pick you up or meet you outside of the meeting place.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
Lali
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 4869
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby ezdzit247 » Sun Apr 12, 2015 1:22 pm

barbera-bell wrote:I havnt had a call back from AA yet but I am doing a home detox. Feel awful! Got court papers thru yesterday it was sink or swim as he's making really nasty allegations. Very upsetting but instead of letting it break me I took kids out in the sun and had a nice time out. I did drink when we got back home. Today I'm having enough to function. Kids back at school tommorow so can get to a meeting at last.


Ditto what Lali said. Call the AA helpline again. The calls are usually routed to the first available AA member but if it happens that no one is available when you call, you should get a call back within the hour.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
User avatar
ezdzit247
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 2077
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:38 pm
Location: California

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Mon Apr 13, 2015 5:54 am

Made it to a meeting today and the topic was fear. Very apt as I'm full of it right now! Did a brief share about all my fears and was really surprised at the lovely responses I got during and after the meeting. Got some numbers and went for a coffee with a lovely old guy who gave me lots of encouragement. Day one and I feel a wreck but better for going today :)
barbera-bell
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:08 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Tosh » Mon Apr 13, 2015 6:47 am

Hey, well done, Barbera. Use those numbers, they're given out for a reason. Phone a lady for a chat if you're feeling like you're going to drink, or have any questions, or just want a chat. You might find that you're helping the person you phone too. I love calls from guys new to A.A.. You're not alone.

Well done on the meeting; do you know when your next one is? I found it useful to get to as many as I could in the early days.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 3651
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Mon Apr 13, 2015 7:10 am

Yeah there's one close to me Wednesday night and then a women's only meeting on Saturday. Got all the legal stuff about my kids to sort out as well this week I'm hoping 3 meetings a week will be enough?
barbera-bell
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:08 am

PreviousNext

Return to The Family Afterwards

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron