being treated like a child by partner!

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Mon Apr 06, 2015 2:47 am

I managed to stay sober for two weeks until last night. We had my partners friends round, none of them drink accept for his friends wife. She was the only other woman in the room and where my partner and his friends are African she was the only person in the room who would be talking to me all evening. I didn't plan to drink but she suggested getting a bottle of wine and If I'm honest I was embarrassed to say I couldn't so off we went to get a drink. We were on our best behaviour and had a nice evening. Then her husband popped out and returned with a quarter bottle of vodka. I said I wasn't good on spirits so we decided to get another bottle of wine. The evening was fine and everyone left happy. My partner took his friend home and while he was gone I spotted the vodka. Well I couldn't help myself but to pour a glass then top it up with water. Thing is my partner had tipped it down the sink and already put water in it. I feel like I'm being treated like a child. He could have just taken the bottle away instead of playing games and testing me. When he got home I told him how annoyed I was and we've fallen out possibly split up over it! It isn't the drink its the way he made me feel by testing me. We've only been together 4 months and now I feel he's gone from boyfriend to my dad or something! I don't know how to deal with it. Stopping drinking is my choice and I did 2 weeks with no help and no meetings or anything which was hard. I'm not going to pick up a drink today and make things worse I think up until yesterday I did well. I just feel I've shown him my weaknesses and he's lost respect for me. Or am I over reacting? My heads a mess now I don't know who's in the wrong or how to react!
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Apr 06, 2015 4:34 am

Stopping drinking is my choice


No, its not. If you had the choice, when the friend proposed wine, you would have said no. We think we have a choice, but somewhere in our drinking career we lost it. Thats the point you need to realize.

Most in this fellowship are caught up in this myth that they have a choice. They always talk about the consequences (powerlessness) after taking the first drink, but they don't realize that the powerlessness starts before we even take that first drink.
Last edited by avaneesh912 on Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Lali » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:21 am

I do feel like your partner has every right to know just how much of a problem you may have; however, I'm not sure if he went about it the right way.

If your boyfriend is testing you, obviously your drinking is a problem for him. At only 4 months into the relationship, he may be wondering if he should cut his losses and end things earlier rather than later while he hasn't put that much time into the relationship.

IMO, you "failed his "test" by drinking what you thought was actually vodka when it turned out to be water.

I share this in the hopes of opening your eyes to what might be going on in your partners head with regard to your drinking. I remember how many times I would sneak drinks from my ex-husband. That last time he "caught me", everything seemed okay between us again after we had argued about it and then made up. I remember feeling like "Whew! I dodged another bullet and all is good between us as usual!" but my ex sat down to have coffee with me before work one day and totally knocked the wind out of my sails, when he matter of factly said "I don't want to be married anymore". We got divorced shortly after that incident.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Brock » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:49 am

Maybe you are overreacting a bit, he made a mistake all be it with good intentions in mind, you might have been upset anyway if he had just hid the bottle, but got doubly upset at the immature “trick” he did. So he made a mistake, but if you are like any of the alcoholics I know you made plenty yourself, try to forgive this one. At the same time, I have experience with different cultures, some do treat there “wives” differently from what you may be used to, if in other matters you are treated as if you don’t have a mind of your own, you might consider setting him straight.

Another member avaneesh dropped a little hard love on you, but in truth your partner did do you a favor, it’s a pity he did it in an immature way. Our books speak of this fact that we can go weeks or months than fall on our behind; the wording says “we are without defense against the first drink.” The books explain that it’s that first drink that opens the floodgates, we want more and more, the other lady who was drinking with you, I don’t expect she was missing the vodka they left or buying more on the way home, we are different, the first drink opens a need for more and more.

Perhaps you will Google AA Big Book, and have a read of the first few sections, the doctors opinion which is part of the preface, also “there is a solution” and “more about alcoholism.”

Others will be along to advise you no doubt, but one thing I beg you to keep in mind, when we do the program of AA by attending meetings and doing some simple steps, we lead a normal life, better than normal, and when something like what happened to you happens again, you will be able to smile and say I don’t drink, and others drinking in your presence will not bother you. The hardest part of writing about this is trying to describe how cool a life someone can have without booze, I wish you the best of luck.
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby desypete » Mon Apr 06, 2015 8:31 am

funny enough i remember doing the same thing with my ex wife many years ago, i was not drinking at that time myself yet she was getting a bad habbit of drinking and ending up half drunk all the time, she would be sober one min and then vanish into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and come back drunk, but she would swear she never touched a drop, it would drive me insane as i had to prove myself right so i would hunt the house for her vodka and find it

i went looking one day and found her bottle and put water in it instead then put it back in her hiding place, this time she was the one going nuts at me as how dare i find her drink and how dare i swap it with water, not a single thought of anything else, as i said i was not drinking at that time myself but when i took up drinking again i did care what she did or drank just so long as she dare not steal my booze we had fights over that many a time as the booze became the masters of us both

your partner clealry knows what he is up against as i no doubt you will have promised him countless times before about no more drinking etc and let him down hence he is taking such actions trying to help you but you can not see it yet as he stole your drink and there is nothing worse than an alcoholic who is in need of a drink and can not get one. it wouldnt bother a normal drinker they would of just gone to bed if the drink run outs

surely its showing you something ?
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby whipping post » Mon Apr 06, 2015 9:45 am

[quote="barbera-bellI did 2 weeks with no help and no meetings or anything which was hard.[/quote]

I bet it was hard to go 2 weeks with no program or support. It doesn't have to be that way. You are always welcome at AA and being with others who are alcoholics helps immensely.
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Tue Apr 07, 2015 6:18 am

I do understand that none of this would have happened if I had just stayed away from the first drink. Like you said I was powerless to say no I pretty much jumped at the chance when she suggested it. He has left me and I've made it clear if that's his way of dealing with things not to come back. I can't deal with the emotional roller coaster of a relationship and stay sober. This was only my second chance and first time I said I wouldn't drink and I failed his "test" its probably more that his ex wife is an alcoholic but she never tried to change. He left her and his young daughter because of it so I understand he isn't gonna stick around just for me. I've now gotta try and stay sober despite feeling totally heartbroken and alone. I know noone here appart from his friends and although I have his permission to still go and see them I do t think that will help me get over him. I popped in to see his friends wife yesterday but he turned up there and I left straight away and ended up buying 8 cans of cider on my way home. So now I'm back to day one and I have to keep trying coz I'm all my two children have got here now!

On the bright side my cat delivered 6 beautiful kittens this morning so the kids have them as a welcome distraction and its impossible to look at a kitten and feel sad for long :)

I will get to a meeting as soon as kids go back to school, meanwhile I'm so grateful this site is here for the support and hope that with AA I have a chance to turn my life around with my kids x
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby desypete » Tue Apr 07, 2015 8:02 am

barbera-bell wrote:I do understand that none of this would have happened if I had just stayed away from the first drink. Like you said I was powerless to say no I pretty much jumped at the chance when she suggested it. He has left me and I've made it clear if that's his way of dealing with things not to come back. I can't deal with the emotional roller coaster of a relationship and stay sober. This was only my second chance and first time I said I wouldn't drink and I failed his "test" its probably more that his ex wife is an alcoholic but she never tried to change. He left her and his young daughter because of it so I understand he isn't gonna stick around just for me. I've now gotta try and stay sober despite feeling totally heartbroken and alone. I know noone here appart from his friends and although I have his permission to still go and see them I do t think that will help me get over him. I popped in to see his friends wife yesterday but he turned up there and I left straight away and ended up buying 8 cans of cider on my way home. So now I'm back to day one and I have to keep trying coz I'm all my two children have got here now!

On the bright side my cat delivered 6 beautiful kittens this morning so the kids have them as a welcome distraction and its impossible to look at a kitten and feel sad for long :)

I will get to a meeting as soon as kids go back to school, meanwhile I'm so grateful this site is here for the support and hope that with AA I have a chance to turn my life around with my kids x



hi barb post away just how you feel and let it all out it really will help you, when i came into aa my ex wife had gone and i had to face life on my own with no one and its a dam lonely place to try to start recovery from, but it can be done, for me i found aa and the people there really did help me they would listen to me and my ramblings, they would let me share in the rooms and i soon learned to let thiings out that way, it might not of been program based stuff or contain anything other than a poor me type of share, but what it did for me was to have a release, i would go home feeling a lot better after a meeting than before it

when i would be alone my head would tell me not to go back to aa but somehow i knew i should just keep going back, that maybe one day things might not be so bad for me, maybe i might get a job and have some money and a car like most of the others, maybe i might get my kids back, maybe all sorts of good things might happen but like i said in the beginning i felt so alone, hated what i had become, hated the world, blamed everything on others i was just totaly mixed up

the memebers took me for a bite to eat my first food in days and i could only eat half a bacon sandwich, they came and sat with me in my flat and kept me company, we would talk non stop about ourselves and i would in time come to see i am just like these people and they had found a way out so maybe i can

today its been over 10 years and i have so much back in my life, and even managed to survive the death of my son who i had custody off which has killed me all over again but one thing has happend to me, i have not once wanted or needed a drink to get through my pain, i have been a real dad today for my son who died and my kids who still live with me
coming from a 24 / 7 drunk its amazing but thats what aa can do for anyone should they want it

a few more things came flooding back to me i thought i would edit in here

try not to sit alone thinking about your ex try and keep busy as the pain will pass so long as your busy, go out for walks try to read somting although reading never helped me stop my mind from wandering, call someone up in aa we call each other up or if you had a sponsor you could unload on them, if you believe in a god try and pray for peace or strength

but the number 1 thing not to do is doing nothing hence i went to aa meetings day and night as for me it was the only place i could find peace


so good luck to you and i hope you can find the fellowship like i did
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Tue Apr 07, 2015 10:07 am

Yeah we're all good at the poor me game desypete my mother is an alcoholic and that's her fave game. She's the victim in everything and I can see that in myself at times. I hate that about myself so instead I'm usually the first to admit I'm in the wrong as she never has! Maybe that's where my problem started but I have no excuse to be doing the same things! I saw her destroy so many relationships due to drink. Boyfriends, friends, family, walked out of every job because she couldn't take criticism. Here I am repeating the same pattern as her and I feel ashamed and diacusted with myself for it!

I'm so sorry to hear about your son I can't imagine how u got thru that without a drink well done that's amazing. I have a 12 year old child that wants nothing to do with me because of my behaviour the last year or more. Reading what you have gone thru has made me think I'm lucky she's still around and happy and healthy despite me letting her down. I'm secretly proud of her for standing up to me and moving to her dads although I miss her like mad now I'm 250 miles away and I'm lucky to get a response on WhatsApp. No one to blame but myself and I know what I need to do to earn her trust back yet here I am third day running with a drink in my hand! Its a horrible illness its destroyed my life from day one and I can admit I'm truely powerless over it. I found a £2.30 off your next shop at Tesco voucher and my first thought was get tobbaco but u can't use it for that so I went for £2.29 pack of cider and picked up butts on way home to make a roll up. I'm 29 years old I'm not unattractive or stupid I have no reason to be like this yet my life is literally hell! I have self help books, beautiful kids and I could make more of my life. I just don't have the energy and I'm too stubborn and full of self pity and anger. I have referred myself to counselling and alcohol service today, I did all my house work and cared for the kids and now 8 cats! Yet second I found that voucher it gave me the excuse I needed.

He was right to leave me tho eh :) x
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby positrac » Wed Apr 08, 2015 3:16 am

barbera-bell


The big book speaks of certain issues of the married couple and the one is the drunk and the other is the mother for lack of better words. Co-dependent partner and or the one who makes the other feel guilty and this is a vicious cycle to live under.

I would say outside of choices that decisions might be a better term to look at and well you drank and it is in the past. So now is the clean up and moving forward in taking care of yourself first and then your kids and next those pesky kittens all 8 of them! See when I refer to taking care I mean HALT----> Work at not getting Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired as these 4 words hold us hostage and we can crumble under pressure. We got into our disease over a period of time and so getting sober takes a period of time and like the analogy of going into the beauty shop over and over eventually you'll get your hair cut...... So clues for you are to step back and cut yourself some slack and by slack this means keeping the plug in the jug and focus more on tomorrow than yesterday. Give it a go and all I can promise is if you make some meetings (although I'd highly suggest 90 meetings in 90 days 7 days a week which is 1-1.5 hours per meeting) and find a female who you can relate and would sponsor you. Please insure she has a current sponsor as crap in leads to crap out and that is no good as you need positive re-enforcement.

This is hard although we are really strong because we needed to be in order to live our lives on the (piss).

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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Wed Apr 08, 2015 2:23 pm

I can't get to a meeting. I just left a women's refuge. I gave strength. For my kids. I'm drinking i can't even look at the huge dinner I made us. The kids are always fed, always happy but I know I don't look after myself. I'm 29, I'm not a model but I'm not unattractive. I love music, I love family, I welcome friends. I'm 259 miles from my friends and family. My kids are fine... I make sure of that but they will grow up and hate me in time x
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby Tosh » Wed Apr 08, 2015 3:35 pm

Hi Barbera, our alcoholism doesn't really care how smart we are, or how we look. My father was a highly-educated engineer; he built ships for a living. He was a good-looking bloke too; kinda like an Errol Flynn type; with a trophy wife 20 years younger.

He died penniless, in a one-bedroomed council flat, surrounded by filth; bitter and alone. Alcoholism is a progressive illness, it tends to get worse, never better. I don't say that to frighten you; I don't believe fear will keep us sober for long. I'm just explaining the seriousness of the problem; it really is life and death stuff. Not a very nice death either (if there is such a beast).

Anyway, my doctor referred me to our local drugs and alcohol counselling services, probably very similar to the one you've registered with. They'll ask you whether you want to control your drinking or be abstinent. I chose 'abstinent' because I knew I couldn't control my drinking. My counsellor and I also discussed at length why I drank the way I did. It wasn't really useful because none of it removed that obsession to drink from me. We also discussed 'triggers', but that wasn't helpful either. My main trigger seemed to be consciousness, because when I was conscious, I felt, and I didn't like what I felt sober; so I drank. It's a bit difficult trying to avoid consciousness! :lol: I ended up with a tapering off plan, which I really tried to do, but I tapered straight back on and drank for another two years.

In the end I found my solution in A.A.. I'm not sure where in the UK you live, but hopefully there'll be some day-time meetings you could get to when your children are back at school. If you tell me your general area, I'll search out some meetings for you, if you wish me to.

Regards

Tosh

P.S. My missis used to go hunting in all the places I hid my empty bottles and cans, and she'd pile them all up in the middle of my desk, and just leave them there. She didn't say anything; she just left them. That really used to annoy me. If she found any full ones, she emptied them down the sink. :shock:
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Wed Apr 08, 2015 5:48 pm

I want to reply I'm just broken...I'll comeback tho. I need a meeting. I've been abused, strangled, spiked, but I've always been a strong woman. With a drink.. I feel I'm nothing and dirty and an " alley cat " last thing my kids dad said to me. I'm broken but I'm not hurting anyone but myself. I left a refuge and now I'm alone. Dunno where to turn. Don't know who I am now...xxx
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Wed Apr 08, 2015 6:06 pm

And Tosh I want help but if I tellvmy social worker, or alcohol worker the truth I'll lose my kids. UK is cruel. They don't want to be without me if they
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Re: being treated like a child by partner!

Postby barbera-bell » Wed Apr 08, 2015 6:18 pm

I just hunted my house high and low and found my stash. In my electric cupboard. A bottle of red wine and 4 pear ciders. Its half satisfaction and half despair. I know I'll drink it all and it won't be enough. I won't get drunk. I'll function and i will tell anyone I meet in fine... I will care for my kids. I'll push away anyone who cares. I could push drink to one side but its my only company.. My warmth. My only friend. I want to stop but how? I'm nothing without a drink in my hand. Alley cat...I'm that low he isn't wrong, s sket, worst woman to have a kid with. Just like my mother.
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