Support advice please

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Support advice please

Postby Valleyhope » Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:44 pm

Hi my fiancé was admitted into rehab last night. He's not a bad person, I know him deep down. He's a fireman and emt so he's seen a lot of trauma, he recently lost both jobs due to a dumb conflict and totaled his truck which didn't help his drinking. It's put a lot of stress on us which also caused him to drink even more. We've been through a lot. And the drinking just makes it worse. I love him more than anything in this world and I believe in him and know he doesn't need the alcohol. I give him all of my love and reassurance and support. He is still my rock even through these times. I hurt for him. Im to depressed to eat I can't do anything because I just want all of this to be over and for things to go back to how they were before the addiction. I went and visited him today in rehab and met his councillors and other people there, they all seem really nice. But he doesn't want to stay. He wants to leave asap. He promises he's done. And he says just walking into the rehab center made him realize he doesn't want to drink anymore. It was mainly beer and only occasionally vodka. But he is an amazing guy you never would guess he was an alcoholic. Unless your around him when he's really drunk. He isn't the same he's mean and he doesn't care and not himself and says things he would never say. It's a disease, and I will love him through it because the man he is when he is drunk is not him it's the disease talking the alcohol.. I just need advice support and anything I can get. I am so scared. I don't want him to hurt or to feel like he's not loved because I won't let him leave. He's too good for this to ruin his and our future. His family loves him I love him. I'm really scared...
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Re: Support advice please

Postby 2granddaughters » Wed Mar 04, 2015 2:03 pm

If he leaves he has a slim chance of staying dry. I'm sure the folks at rehab will say the same thing.
Getting dry and staying dry are 2 different animals. Sober comes with recovery.
Even if he does, what will he do with all the emotional baggage/trauma he's carrying?? He'll be miserable.

I strongly reconmmend you attend your local Al-Anon group(s) and get a feel for what you are in for. You need help too.

All the best.

Bob R
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Re: Support advice please

Postby Niagara » Wed Mar 04, 2015 2:10 pm

Hello Valleyhope

I'm with Bob on the alanon suggestion. My husband is an alanon attendee, and is learning a lot through their program, plus has support from other people who have been affected by alcoholism on the other side of it.

Best wishes

Niagara
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Re: Support advice please

Postby positrac » Wed Mar 04, 2015 2:34 pm

Not sure if you have kids? if you do then I'll run this by you:

You son/daughter has an issue with paying attention in school and is a chatterbox and it has led to office visits, parent teacher meetings, and grades going down the toilet.

So they promise to get it together and a week later same thing again and they keep promising. So until that child is put into a certain place they won't stop doing this kind of stuff. Again that was an example of how cunning we are.

You husband needs to stay in rehab because he needs to find clarity that he has lost due to various things in life.

Alcohol is and has been a issue and possibly a coping mechanism for a very long time. And for you alanon may help you understand the disease of alcoholism and it will show you and teach you about co-dependency.

It is a process and it takes time to get used to. Keep coming back and in time I believe you both will see things in a better light.
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Re: Support advice please

Postby Lali » Wed Mar 04, 2015 3:37 pm

My sponsor told me that if I wanted recovery, I had to be willing to go to any lengths for it and if that meant going to rehab then that was what I needed to be willing to do.

If he does plan on leaving, I would go straight from the facility to an AA meeting! And then follow that up with more meetings.

You sound like a wonderful, supportive woman and I'm sure he's very appreciative of that. But this alcoholic could not do this without a higher power, the support and fellowship of fellow AA members and the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I say this to give you some insight into AA, but like others have said here, please check out Al-Anon.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: Support advice please

Postby desypete » Wed Mar 04, 2015 7:20 pm

i wouldnt go to rehab when i had the money to go that is, instead i kept on trying to give it up and make sure i saved my business, my wife and kids and the home

i failed every time as i would promise the world to people once i had woke up from the night before drinking where i would turn into a monster when drunk and be mean and nasty then wake up the next day crying in shame of what i did, its like i became 2 different people and your partner sounds a lot like me

i can only hope he takes the help on offer as he might well stay sober for a time by coming out but the chances are once the dust settles and the trouble has blown over, the old thinking will kick in and the desire to just have one drink and not to get drunk
i can remember promising my 13 year old Daugher when she was crying as i walked in carrying a case of larger beer she knew what the drink did to her dad but i spent my time trying to convince her everything will be ok this time and i would blame anything bad that happened on other things so i always had an excuse

you would do well to attend al anon meetings and find out from other partners who live with drunks what its all about, you will be amazed at how many people will have been in your position so your not on your own with it all
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Re: Support advice please

Postby PaigeB » Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:18 am

Hi ValleyHope - Thanks for posting here at e-aa. Your post seems to fit our Forum The Family Afterwards, viewforum.php?f=21

I hope you do not mind if I move this thread to that forum. Please feel free to private message me, just click on my name, and let me know if I can be of any assistance.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Support advice please

Postby kjay » Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:33 am

Get in to some al-Alonon meetings right away. You sound like you have thought alot about this. Mentioning that he is an alcoholoic, and that it is a desease is a big step for you. Congrates. I have the desease called alcoholism too. I can get rid of the alcohol, but I will always have the "ism". Let me say that again... We can quit alcohol, get dry, and still be miserable (sometimes hiding that misery for years) untill we work on those things that made us drink in the first place. The alternative is that we get dry, and eventually drink again, or worse. To be most productive in conquering your fears, and supporting him in his recovery, get in to some al-anon meetings.
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Re: Support advice please

Postby scottcw » Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:55 pm

Hi, Have you read the story of AA # 3, Bill Dotson? He was the first person Dr. Bob and Bill W. helped. they met him in a hospital and when they talked to him about alcoholism he walked out of there never to drink again. He walked out of there a free man. So, hopefully your significant other has had this same experience? I wish you both the best. If he can stay away from one drink for one day, that's all he has to worry about for right now. There is a lot of good resources available in the Big Book of Alcaholics Anonymous. The Chapter "To Wives" and "The Family Afterward may be helpful to you. If he reads and memorizes page 27 of the big book that could be helpful to him as well.
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Re: Support advice please

Postby scottcw » Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:15 pm

Alcoholics Anonymous

Page 27

without disaster, provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude.

Some of our alcoholic readers may think they can do without spiritual help. Let us tell you the rest of the conversation our friend had with his doctor.

The doctor said: "You have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never seen one single case recover, where that state of mind existed to the extent that it does in you." Our friend felt as though the gates of hell had closed on him with a clang.

He said to the doctor, "Is there no exception?"

"Yes," replied the doctor, "there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times. Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. In fact, I have been trying to produce some such emotional rearrangement within you. With many individuals the methods which I employed are successful, but I have never been successful with an alcoholic of your description."

Upon hearing this, our friend was somewhat relieved, for he reflected that, after all, he was a good church member. This hope, however, was destroyed by the doctor's telling him that while his religious convictions were very good, in his case they did not spell the necessary vital spiritual experience.
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Re: Support advice please

Postby Valleyhope » Fri Mar 06, 2015 1:11 pm

Thanks yall. He suffers from PTSD too. It just breaks my heart making him stay in that place... But he needs it.. Thank you all for replying to my post and being so helpful. He's been starting to tell his family that if they don't come get him their relationship is done. And that broke his moms heart. He began lying to me and putting our relationship on the back burner and I just hope and pray this helps him and us and his family
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Re: Support advice please

Postby Lali » Fri Mar 06, 2015 1:49 pm

Valleyhope wrote:He's been starting to tell his family that if they don't come get him their relationship is done.


If he is an alcoholic, as you stated, then that doesn't surprise me. We can be very manipulative in order to get our way. And the lying...we do that a lot too if we feel like lying is necessary to allow us to continue drinking.
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Re: Support advice please

Postby ezdzit247 » Fri Mar 06, 2015 2:43 pm

Valleyhope wrote:Thanks yall. He suffers from PTSD too. It just breaks my heart making him stay in that place... But he needs it.. Thank you all for replying to my post and being so helpful. He's been starting to tell his family that if they don't come get him their relationship is done. And that broke his moms heart. He began lying to me and putting our relationship on the back burner and I just hope and pray this helps him and us and his family


Hi Valleyhope

You've received some very good feedback on the need for you to take care of you by going to an Alanon. This is very sound counsel for any non-alcoholic who is dealing with an alcoholic in their lives. Practicing alcoholics, no matter how good they are when sober or much we love their sober "better selves", when they indulge their need to drink, they can literally drain us of all the mental, emotional, and physically resources we need to take care of our own needs....if we let them. In Alanon, we learn how not to let them and how to cope with this issue, build a support system and protect ourselves from being destroyed by their disease. Please do go to an Alanon meeting and then share the experience, hope and strength you find there with the rest of us.

Keep coming back.....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: Support advice please

Postby ann2 » Sun Mar 15, 2015 3:20 pm

Sounds like he's dying for a drink. Been there.

AA worked for me, but I was ready. Your man may need a lot more convincing. Many of us never find the motivation to alter our direction -- its very, very hard. Near impossible. Definitely not a chance without AA for 99.9999% of us.

Al-Anon for you (and his family) will make it more likely that he gets there.

Ann
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