Recovering Alcoholic and Alcoholic (Maybe) Wife

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Recovering Alcoholic and Alcoholic (Maybe) Wife

Postby mikesp » Wed Oct 08, 2014 11:10 am

Hello All,

I have been attending AA meetings and a member of AA for almost 2 years. I have more than 13 months of consecutive sobriety right now. I had a relapse in the late Spring of 2013 that lasted, on and off, for about 3 1/2 months. Once I had successfully proven to myself that I could not drink safely - that I was truly and alcoholic of our kind - I went back to AA in September of 2013 and have worked the steps with a sponsor. Now, sobriety is the most important and mind-consuming thing in my life and I work every day to make it through the day without a drink.

My wife, however, is a different story. We have been married for almost 25 years. We have 3 daughters and a son. Our oldest is an adult now. My twin girls just went off to college, so the household is now our son (age 11), my wife and myself. The change has triggered a very large return to drinking for my wife. She has always been a drinker, but now it's going on just about every day. She hides it from me (not very well). She gets intoxicated at least 2-3 times a week. She isolates and drinks alone. She gets surly, mean and nasty towards me (and our son at times).

I have spoken with my sponsor about this just about every day since the real drinking began with her. He tells me to be patient, ask for guidance and see how it plays out. Let God deal with it when it is time. I can't do anything about it. Meditate on the serenity prayer.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go on though. I vacillate between being compassionate because she is sick and suffering to being angry and resentful with a "Really? After slamming ME for doing the exact same thing!?" (I'm human and it's progress not perfection).

A few weeks ago, we went to a concert where she got drunk, I was sober. She actually said she doesn't want to stop drinking. She doubted whether a recovering alcoholic (like myself) could stay with or continue to have a relationship with an active drinker.

Anyway, I was wondering what experience you all may have about this and how any of you approached this type of situation.

Mike
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Re: Recovering Alcoholic and Alcoholic (Maybe) Wife

Postby ann2 » Wed Oct 08, 2014 11:48 am

Hi and welcome. Any Al-Anon meetings where you live? That's where I'd be asking the question. I'm surprised your sponsor didn't suggest it. It helped me greatly with the drinking in my family. I was really impressed by the Al-Amom members and program. I'm sorry for your situation but I appreciate the reminder of their examples.

Hope to keep reading you here, thanks for your post.

Ann
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Re: Recovering Alcoholic and Alcoholic (Maybe) Wife

Postby mikesp » Wed Oct 08, 2014 11:58 am

Thanks. Yes, there are Al-Anon meetings in my area. I was planning on going to one a few weeks ago, but didn't because of some family stuff. I go to AA meetings every day and will check out Al-Anon for sure.
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Re: Recovering Alcoholic and Alcoholic (Maybe) Wife

Postby harry71 » Wed Oct 08, 2014 1:51 pm

I was sober 3 years before my wife got sober. Al-Anon kept me from going crazy. I started going when I was sober about a year and a half.It was weird at first. I wanted to explain alcoholism to them, they smiled and told me to sit down and zip it(very nicely). She is now sober 40 years and we are married 54 years. Go quickly, she may or may not get sober but you will stay sane. I was told to give her the dignity of her own disease. They taught me the 3 C's-I did not cause it-I could not control it and I could not cure it. Good luck!!!
God Keeps Me Sober AA Keeps Me Asking
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Re: Recovering Alcoholic and Alcoholic (Maybe) Wife

Postby ezdzit247 » Wed Oct 08, 2014 3:27 pm

harry71 wrote:I was sober 3 years before my wife got sober. Al-Anon kept me from going crazy. I started going when I was sober about a year and a half.It was weird at first. I wanted to explain alcoholism to them, they smiled and told me to sit down and zip it(very nicely). She is now sober 40 years and we are married 54 years. Go quickly, she may or may not get sober but you will stay sane. I was told to give her the dignity of her own disease. They taught me the 3 C's-I did not cause it-I could not control it and I could not cure it. Good luck!!!


That's beautiful, harry!

Never heard about the 3-C's before...I'll pass that on for sure.

Thanks! :wink:
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Re: Recovering Alcoholic and Alcoholic (Maybe) Wife

Postby Layla8888 » Sat Dec 27, 2014 5:39 pm

I really appreciate the question that you posted. However, according to some people in AA, only your wife can admit whether or not she is an alcoholic. She may, or not, be. It's a tough call. In this day and age, I think it may be a decision to involve a professional out side of AA, in order to help you through the process.

I agree with other posts that recommend you go to an Al-Anon. I think future members of Al-Anon will be a mix of alcoholics in recovery, who feel they are involved with current alcoholics. It's a tough call.

I wish you all the best.
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