spouse who drinks

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spouse who drinks

Postby Tammy » Sat Dec 08, 2007 7:54 pm

Hi, I am new to this website and to chat rooms so bare with me.

I am having real problems with not drinking when my husband still drinks and wants to go to parties and bars. It is hard and i feel really alone. What gets people through this in a relationship.
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Postby whitmore_fan » Sun Dec 09, 2007 5:55 am

Hi Tammy, you've not really said much about you or your husband so it's difficult to know how to respond. For instance, do you consider yourself an alcoholic, and what about your husband? If you do, then are you following any treatment or involved in any support groups like AA? Does you husband know anything about your problems? Etc. etc.

For me, my number one priority is my sobriety, if I don't have that I don't really have anything. So I don't socialise with people who want to go to bars all the time and get drunk. Fortunately I met my wife in sobriety, she has never seen my drink alcohol. But she also knows everything about my past and present and is very supportive. If I were to ask her not to drink because it bothers me, she wouldn't drink. If I asked that we didn't go out to a function or event because there would be lots of booze, she would understand. This is real support and something that I am eternally grateful for. She also understands that without my sobriety we wouldn't have much of a marriage.

Sobreity is a new way of life to anything I had experience before. It takes time and effort to develop and requires a lot of support from family and friends. You get through it by having the right sort of relationships and if that means breaking a relationship then so be it - it tough to say and even tougher to actually do it but ultimately for a lot of us that is what we had to do.

I don't want to suggest that you leave you husband, but I hope you can understand the sentiment. Perhaps you could tell us more about yourself and you current situation?

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Postby Tammy » Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:14 am

Thanks for your response. I guess it would help to know a little about the situation. I have been sober for 4 years on Dec. 18th. I am an alcoholic. I go to meetings only once in awhile, I am having trouble finding one that feels right to me. I read alot of books and the "big book" but I know I need more.
I quit drinking do to a serious illness and I had no choice. In the process I realized how much I abused alcohol and drugs and decided to quit. It was easy at first because I was so sick. I had trouble as i started to feel better.
I met my husband in a bar and we got married shortly after. We seemed perfect. We had the same past time and hobbies "drinking".
He stopped for a short time at first but found it difficult and "boreing" (his words.) So he began going out once in awhile. Now its quite often. He tries to get me to go too and tries to convince me that I could probably have a drink or two. This causes really bad feelings toward him.
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Postby LucasM » Sun Dec 09, 2007 10:15 am

Don't listen to him. An alcoholic can't have a drink or two ever again. Just that amount could put us right back to where we were. Believe me I had to learn that lesson many times!
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Postby Blue Moon » Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:45 am

Hi Tammy,

I'd echo what (the other) Ian said - my sobriety is my priority # 1. But just as nobody could stop me drinking (at best they could try to help or hinder), nobody today can stop my sobriety (at best, they can try to help or hinder that).

I've been in a similar position.

It's not unusual for a drinking couple to find that one sobers up whilst the other carries on drinking - at least for a while. It seems much rarer for a couple to decide, they'll quit together. Rarer still for them to both succeed at the same time.

Sooner or later your husband is going to have to accept that you do not drink. Anything else is going to result in a conflict.

Likewise, you may have to accept that he drinks. Maybe Al-anon could help with that.

Meanwhile, AA meetings can take some perseverance at times. But it's impossible to work Step 12 in isolation, so I'd certainly do something to try and work those Steps to the best of my ability.
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Postby keithd » Sun Dec 09, 2007 3:58 pm

Me and my wife have been togather for 20 something years most of it drinking togather. I came to AA because of an illness also,called alcoholism. My wife still drank and i said nothing but still went to my meetings, AA is based on attraction rather then promotion. I came to find out that AA is more then just going to a few meetings it's about change through the 12 steps(pg 567) she must have seen something she liked because she has been sober for awhile now. I still think if i just set the alcohol down (as if i could have) there would have been no attraction there at all.
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Postby Tammy » Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:02 pm

Thanks for all the great input. I really appreciate the feedback. Its good to know your not alone in this. I will make a stronger attempt at going to more meetings and finding a sponser to do the steps and take it one day at a time. My husband is out again tonight at a Christmas Party. It is really a hard situation for me. especially when he comes home all happy and stinky like booze and cigarettes then wants to get in bed and talk about the fun night. I need to find friends who dont drink also.

Thanks everyone for being there when I needed someone.

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Postby Holly96 » Tue Dec 11, 2007 9:51 am

Glad your here Tammy. welcome.

I certainly would suggest a few more meetings, and I agree......dont listent to your husband when it comes to going out and having drinks. I know I have had people in my life like that......and Its a challenge.....but my sobriety is number ONE. I just stood my ground and said "no thanks".

glad your here.......and keep up the good work. Reaching out is a great tool....
don't leave before the miracle...you will be amazed.

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Postby ProsaicSteelGirder » Tue Dec 18, 2007 11:10 am

Hi Tammy,
I have experience with sobering up while my wife, at the time, continued to drink. At first, it seemed to not be an issue because I was workng the 12 Steps for the first time, active in a home group, eventually helping to form another group, etc.
Then around two years or so sober I started to get a huge resentement about my wife's drinkng. Thankfully, I had someone to turn to (a sponsor) and did another "housecleaning" by working through the Steps thoroughly again. Things were still tense at home, but I felt more at ease inside. Eventually, it became apparent that my wife and I had grown so far apart that we separated on my 5th AA Anniversary. How ironic, huh?!?
Without going inot a drawn out monlogue, suffice to say that my Life today is shared with a fabulous sober woman who is also an AA member. The difference in relationships is astonishing.
Just like has been said before, each relationship is different and should be considered on its own merits. The best way I found to do that is through the Steps. And one last thing from the Big Book:
But this does not mean that we disregard human health measures. God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons

I tried this because I consider personal relationships part of my mental health, and got some great clarity about why I shouldn't be living in the same house with my now ex-wife. Don't be afraid to seek help.
We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders.
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