13th Step

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13th Step

Post by Poetreeline » Wed Aug 21, 2019 3:00 am

A male Facebook friend was supportive of my recovery when he found out I had recently started attending meetings. I have been in recovery now for almost nine months. He has been in recovery for almost 20 years. We began an online affair almost immediately after I became sober. At first, I was flattered that a younger, handsome man was interested in me. I was also newly separated from my husband and very vulnerable. The man recently ended the online relationship. I feel so hurt and upset. At the beginning of our affair, he said, “I don’t want to 13th Step you.” But I think he did! I’m a mature woman, but I was going through such a difficult transition. I feel so alone now and so hurt.

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Re: 13th Step

Post by PaigeB » Wed Aug 21, 2019 12:06 pm


We usually learn something from things that hurt. If everything is going swimmingly, than what is it we need to be working on? Personally? I would just keep going - if a man doesn't want me (for whatever reason) then I sure in the heck don't want him!

Have you worked the Steps with another woman? You should do that. The steps are the key to long term sobriety and nothing else worked for me. I had to put my sobriety FIRST and then things started to fall into place for me.
There is Hope.

Here are the 9th Step Promises:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.

Big Book pages 83 & 84
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Re: 13th Step

Post by ebear » Thu Aug 22, 2019 10:45 am

I would suggest being very wary of handing over your sobriety and peace of mind to other people, whether an irritating person who triggers your anger at AA meetings (your other circumstance) or someone who triggers your desire to feel wanted and then triggers your anger again when you're disappointed. I think what Paige said in reference to the first circumstance (the yackety supposed control drinker) also applies here. Your job is to focus on YOURSELF, strengthen yourself, do the Steps with the guidance of a sponsor, and tune out the people who draw your focus away. This is an inside job! It can be alluring to dwell on the people who have done us wrong, but that does not lead to a solution for us--only to anger and self-pity and a host of the other defects of character that keep us looking for relief in a bottle.

AA really changed my perspective. I used to think of life as a vast landscape of broken glass and sharp shards of metal, and me as a barefoot wanderer with bleeding feet. I wanted to cover the earth with a carpeting barrier. AA said you can't accomplish that. But you can put on shoes. The Steps told me how to do that.

I look forward with hope to read about your triumphs in the self-awareness challenges. Keep us posted!
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

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Re: 13th Step

Post by Conan » Tue Sep 17, 2019 6:43 am

Are you thinking about drinking alcohol? The spiritual emptiness we feel when you lose someone we love ... Some bear the loss ... The addict is looking for an alternative
My soul ... do not see Do not hear Do not speak ... Taste things only ... likes or dislikes ...

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