Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Noels » Thu Aug 03, 2017 5:45 am

Hi BO :D oh my goodness. .... your story could be my story that's how similar it seems be. Strangely I myself have been so disappointed by the members and behaviour of certain groups that I don't attend meetings anymore either.
Thats really sad because not only did I really enjoy the meetings but I was born to help people and the newcomerS especially related to me really well.
Oh well. ... I guess it's gonna take some time for me to trust again. Like Brock said in his previous post - I can't see why you need to do amends. Amends are usually made by the person who 'caused ' the harm or hurt. Not by the person who was the object of receiving the harm or hurt.
Best of luck to you my friend. If those members are even slightly like the ones I've encountered here on my end an amends or just a 'I'm sorry ' will most likely never be heard.
I'm trying my best to forgive in my prayer and when I have a day - like today - where I feel a bit sore about it - I just accept that I'm allowed to have those feelings since I'm not perfect. Yet.
Wishing you a fabulous afternoon
Mwah xxx
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby philly25 » Fri Aug 17, 2018 12:20 pm

Thanks for this post, Boiledowl.

I get the feeling that everyone in AA goes through this at some point - maybe not the exact same situation as you describe, but just the general situation of being let down by people in the rooms or developing resentments against other AA members.

I went through it with a sponsor, and it made me stop going to meetings for almost 2 years.

Fortunately I stayed sober and now I'm back attending meetings. In my experience, I guess I learned that dealing with people is very difficult, especially people in the rooms sometimes. I think it sounds silly to make amends to the guys who were creeping on your girlfriend, but maybe you could pray for them. I started doing that a year or so ago with a lot of people in my life that upset me and, while it doesn't erase everything feeling, it helped me to accept the situation and the person more.

Also, be cautious to write off all of AA based on a few people who tick you off. There are a million personalities in AA, and it seems like we all step on each other's toes a lot, but there are a lot of very good people in the program who really do try their best.

As for the simple solution: Find different meetings where you feel comfortable, safe and you get a good vibe.

Anyway, thanks for the post again. I come on here during work sometimes to get a little mini-meeting haha.

Good luck!

-Nick
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Brock » Sat Aug 18, 2018 12:23 pm

philly25 wrote: In my experience, I guess I learned that dealing with people is very difficult, especially people in the rooms sometimes.

I was also surprised at how easy it is to form a resentment against certain AA members, we certainly are not immune to that simply because we belong to the same recovery group. Even if we never meet the person, like right here, resentments have formed because we don’t like the way certain people write or the things they say, we have had members leave, saying it’s because of how, or what, certain others write.

I think we have the straight up not nice people, like in the OP who hit on someone's girlfriend, sort of people who it’s hard to like at the best of times. And then the resentment over how we feel the message should be carried, or how the group should conduct it’s business. Whatever the cause, learning to keep these resentments in perspective, and trying our best to see the good in other persons despite our resentment, is a great learning experience.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Greywolf » Wed Sep 05, 2018 8:47 am

Leaving my girl alone in the wolves den would not be an action I would take. Why? First I don't think it sends the message I want sent to my girl friend.

Men are asking the girl you are hoping will develop a deeper relationship with you out. And they haven't stopped asking her after she said "no thank you." It's possible she enjoys the attention even if she doesn't want to go out with them. It happens in all areas of life, not just AA.

Rather than call these guys names such as creep and stop going to meetings where your girl friend is being hit on -- and apparently likes it enough that she hasn't stopped it -- maybe it's time to have a talk with her. Maybe she enjoys your company but isn't as far along in her feelings as you apparently are.

Open and honest communication works in relationships.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Blue Moon » Wed Sep 05, 2018 10:28 am

Greywolf wrote:It's possible she enjoys the attention even if she doesn't want to go out with them. It happens in all areas of life, not just AA.


This.

Also, if the girl is not on your resentment list, ask yourself why she gets a free pass. The guys didn't hurt you, she did.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Stillnotwell89 » Sat Sep 08, 2018 10:55 am

I have been sober a little while and I am still plagued with resentments in and out of the program. Mostly I find that I get them because "they" won't do what I want them to or say what I want to hear or what they share is too close to the truth I don't want to look at. :oops: You know it's all about me right? hahaha

I got sober in a big city where there were lots of meetings every week. Now I live where we have 1 meeting per week and to get to other ones takes at least an hour drive one way. With a small group it is REALLY easy to get resentful and sick of hearing the same old stuff.

My first sponsor told me that nothing in god's world happens by mistake and that the things that ticked me off were usually something about me. UGH! I always hated hearing that. But she also told me that the "Truth will set me free right after it ticks me off"

Don't give up on AA because of people and their issues. We ALL have them. Maybe just take a moment and breathe and listen for the similarities rather than the differences, take what you need and leave the rest. If there are lots of meetings go to different groups until you find a meeting that fits you.


Keep Coming Back it WORKS!
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Sep 08, 2018 3:39 pm

I got sober in a big city where there were lots of meetings every week. Now I live where we have 1 meeting per week and to get to other ones takes at least an hour drive one way. With a small group it is REALLY easy to get resentful and sick of hearing the same old stuff.


In a way its good, people don't get to rely on meetings to say sober. They realize its more than just going to meetings.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby PaigeB » Sun Sep 09, 2018 12:06 pm

other ones takes at least an hour drive one way.

ROADTRIP!

What a great way to have a long conversation or some serious laughter on the way to meetings!

Also, you get in 3 (!) meetings in one trip by listening to speakers on the road to & from the meeting!

Look at the solution - or create a solution with a resentment and a coffee pot!
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Layne » Mon Sep 10, 2018 8:46 am

to get to other ones takes at least an hour drive one way. With a small group it is REALLY easy to get resentful and sick of hearing the same old stuff.

I look at situations like that as my higher power sending me exactly what I need...practice sessions... for an issue that I need to research and figure out!!! :~)
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Spirit Flower » Mon Sep 10, 2018 12:14 pm

I used to live in a small town. Once a week, I planned the 50 mile trip to a big town for shopping and a meeting.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Greywolf » Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:07 pm

In a way its good, people don't get to rely on meetings to say sober. They realize its more than just going to meetings.

People use meetings as an opportunity to show new comers what AA is like and to meet people in AA. Often alcoholics have broken family relationships and meetings are a good place to go at night instead of holed up by yourself in cheap room or apartment.

Having a regular time and place where one can find other people like themselves is one advantage of meetings. Another is the opportunity to interact with new people like it is pointed out in step 12.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby avaneesh912 » Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:50 am

People use meetings as an opportunity to show new comers what AA is like and to meet people in AA. Often alcoholics have broken family relationships and meetings are a good place to go at night instead of holed up by yourself in cheap room or apartment.

Having a regular time and place where one can find other people like themselves is one advantage of meetings. Another is the opportunity to interact with new people like it is pointed out in step 12.


Point taken. But in circumstances where there is no opportunity to attend meeting, people who are depended on their higher power working the 12 steps do survive. 12 and 12 talks about people deployed in world war II survived without meetings.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Layne » Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:39 am

Resentments are not worked through by solving the riddle of importance of meeting attendance to an individual.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Greywolf » Wed Sep 12, 2018 9:41 am

Layne wrote:Resentments are not worked through by solving the riddle of importance of meeting attendance to an individual.

Excellent point. For this reason I moved the topic to Discussions titled Is it necessary to attend meetings to stay sober?
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Boiledowl » Wed Sep 12, 2018 9:07 pm

Thanks for all the replies folks. Just an update. Still have not gone back to the rooms.
Just celebrated 4 years sober, one day at a time,
in a row, on September 10. I am still seeing the same girl and
truth be told this whole thing being set in motion
may be the best thing that could have happened for my recovery.
I still get to practice these principles in my home,
occupation, and affairs. I get to hear my kids and parents
tell me how much I’ve changed. I’ve realized that my sobriety
really is contingent on my relationship with a higher
power, and how that leads me to relate to people around me.
Doesn’t have a thing to do with AA meetings.
If my sobriety was contingent on attendance at meetings , or if it were a
requirement, I might as well get drunk. Thankfully that is not the case.
I’m just happy to be living a sober simple happy life
Water seeks its own level
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