Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

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Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Boiledowl » Fri Jul 28, 2017 6:15 pm

Hi. I'm a new member this is my first post here. I've been sober 34 months, have done the steps
twice out of the book with a sponsor. I have an issue with a few men in a group
near home that I have allowed to drive me out of the rooms. I was wondering
if anybody has experience in a similar way and what you did. I've done 4&5 around
these resentments, I've prayed (angry mans prayer) and yet I am consumed by them
at times months after the incidents. I had begun loosely dating ( zero to fifty percent
commitment level, mutual choice) another alcoholic in the rooms. She has a
little over four years now, works the steps hard, has a great program. While we were
in the no mans land of relationship, and white it was coalescing into the more
serious form it has taken for the last eight months or so, there were about three or four
guys (creeps) hitting on her and asking her out at meetings. In the beginning it
didn't bother me, kind of kept it all at arms length. As the relationship grew, and became
more involved, it started to eat my lunch. Seriously. Rather than dealing with seeing this
happen, I've bagged AA. I never had meeting based sobriety to begin with, and the
homes, occupations, and affairs part of demonstrating and living the principles
is going swimmingly. I've actually never had it better. I just don't want to have this banging
around in my head anymore. Thank you.
"You ain't gonna learn what you don't wanna know" - Grateful Dead
"I wish you all the pain it takes to grow" - My first sponsor
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Noels » Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:43 pm

Good morning and welcome to e-aa. I haven't posted in the last few months but I'm sure I've read previous posts from you? Anyways, that's not important.
I can relate to your post in that I've had a similar experience with the difference that it was interference from members both inside AND outside the rooms. My sobriety, like yours, are also not dependent on meetings.
What I have decided to do is to use these experiences in my shares and talks at the various groups I get invited to to speak or share since my belief is that if it happened with me it's very possible that it could have happened with another . Also bearing in mind that our primary and sole purpose in the rooms is to help the still suffering alcoholic and boy oh boy - did I suffer indeed.
So I'm using this perceived negative experience and changing it into a positive by hopefully helping someone in pain rather than holding onto it as a resentment.
I accept that I will still have moments of bitterness and pain when I recall one of those memories but I also accept that that is part of living the human experience. It is however MY CHOICE what I do about what I experienced. Kindla like the story of the two wolves fighting. .....
Hope this help and good luck to you.
Best wishes,
Noels
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Brock » Sat Jul 29, 2017 4:16 am

I think it's easy to get resentful at some people in the meetings, we put AA on a sort of pedestal as somewhere that others will be looking just for recovery, and be friendly and helpful, it can be quite disappointing when we find members who don't meet those expectations. In other situations these are not people we would choose to see again, in AA we don't have that much choice.

Many people say that members who rub us the wrong way are opportunities for growth, and practicing acceptance, this is true to some extent, but we have a whole life filled with that practice, accepting the bad drivers or rude sales people, the list is long, it's a shame we can't at least have meetings where we all get along. And in most communities there are such meetings, it's good to check around and hope to find what we are looking for.

Like both who have posted on this, I also don't depend on meetings for sobriety, but it's a place to help the new person. Like Noels I sometimes mention when I speak that they shouldn't let personalities put them off, alcoholics more so than most people are a bunch of egoistical actors, the literature points this out in several places. When we get that ego in check, we can stop putting on an act and just be ourselves by practice of the program, it's part of recovery and living a happy life, unfortunately those who haven't discovered this will continue with alcoholic behavior.

A similar topic can be found here - viewtopic.php?f=36&t=23722
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Jul 29, 2017 5:08 am

Could it be because of ur insecurity that you may lose her? If you are in a committed relationship you probably should be ok, beyond that if things happen, let it be. Anything against the normal course is going to cause friction within. Ur mind is probably shooting lot of movies within ur head.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Boiledowl » Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:28 am

avaneesh912 wrote:Could it be because of ur insecurity that you may lose her?

Almost definitely.

As for the movies in my head, I'm like Steven Spielberg. Or Wes Craven, because
it's a horror show in there sometimes regarding this situation.

I appreciate the feedback and responses from everyone. Thank you very much.
"You ain't gonna learn what you don't wanna know" - Grateful Dead
"I wish you all the pain it takes to grow" - My first sponsor
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby tomsteve » Mon Jul 31, 2017 11:48 am

youve done 4& 5th around resentments- what about 6th through 9th?
have you done a resentment,fear and sex inventory?
We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Boiledowl » Mon Jul 31, 2017 12:33 pm

I've done at 4&5 on the resentments towards these particular individuals ( tenth step).
I haven't injured them in any way, haven't even run them down verbally, so there is no need for any amends. This started
happening and I just bailed on AA. As far as 6 and 7, I ask but maybe my willingness
isn't completely there. I'm not entirely sure I'd be able to watch it happen again and
maintain an attitude of spiritual tranquility
"You ain't gonna learn what you don't wanna know" - Grateful Dead
"I wish you all the pain it takes to grow" - My first sponsor
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Brock » Mon Jul 31, 2017 2:54 pm

I don't live in the US, but in any half way decent place, usually when men hit on women, if they are not making progress they stop doing it. I am not saying it's your girlfriends fault, but especially since these few men are described as 'creeps,' and I expect they deserve that description, maybe she should speak up, a little F-off now and then keeps the creeps away.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby positrac » Tue Aug 01, 2017 3:05 am

I would like to add my view of my experience with this point in your post:

I allowed personalities to get in front of the principles and left a group because of some inner drama. For me I was not happy with how this individual just absorbed everything and so as to prevent a real resentment I left. I have meetings in a lot of places in my area and so I opted to go out side of that person's travels.

I knew this really crass guy and I am crass to some extent at times; although this guy had his whole life about just making things harder on the people and my sponsor told me pray for him as he was in AA. So I prayed for months to find some good in this guy. How it is not on my terms and here is the kick in the tookus! I became friends with this guy for a period of years and my life took another direction and that was that. So miracles will find us if we have the means, and the power to have faith it does work if we make the effort. Facts are that we are people and we aren't always going to like others even if they are sober. Many people are good souls in the rooms and many are still living outside and not drinking and we have to beware of those kinds of folks.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby PaigeB » Tue Aug 01, 2017 11:09 am

While we were in the no mans land of relationship, and white it was coalescing into the more
serious form it has taken for the last eight months or so, there were about three or four
guys (creeps) hitting on her and asking her out at meetings. In the beginning it
didn't bother me, kind of kept it all at arms length. As the relationship grew, and became
more involved, it started to eat my lunch. Seriously.

If it is eating your lunch then you have some work to do...

I got stuck on 6 and 7. I couldn't find what I needed to hear in the book nor in a meeting. I HAD to do something as life was driving me crazy. I ordered a couple of books, (non-AA approved literature that came highly recommended) called Drop the Rock. Had one of my original sponsees come over as neither of us were working with newcomers at the time and we took a deeper dive into Step 6. Then she started working with a sponsee so I read 7 on my own.

Let me tell ya - reading with someone else is much more effective, but solitary work is ok too. I had a lot of "Ah ha" moments with both methods. I tell ya though - it takes practicing the Step - inner work on myself. The work is lots of waiting (this IS work) and self awareness and prayer/meditation. Coming to willingness often takes some beating of my ego - so it is a time that is marked by discomfort. It was at these Steps that I truly learned surrender and letting go! THEN there is more work!

Working with other alcoholics works when nothing else does... even if that is only by attending meetings, so don't deprive yourself of this tool. BTW ~ you go to yours and she goes to hers - this is not a team sport. My "other" that I have troubles with in the program is a daughter. It is hard to say that what she does is NOT my business. Even though my Ego my a HUGE investment on this other person - what she does or says, and ALL of it, is really NOT my business.

Not my monkeys ~ not my circus... Still hard to let go. I am practicing, not perfecting that!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby tomsteve » Tue Aug 01, 2017 3:17 pm

Boiledowl wrote:I've done at 4&5 on the resentments towards these particular individuals ( tenth step).

did you examine the fears?
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Boiledowl » Tue Aug 01, 2017 8:01 pm

Just lost a long reply duebto my giant
uncoordinated fingers. Short version, yes I've
inventoried the fears, followed book directions
yadda yadda yadda. Not outgrowing these fears
as quickly as I'd like. And that's on me.

I'd like to thank everyone again. You guys are great.
"You ain't gonna learn what you don't wanna know" - Grateful Dead
"I wish you all the pain it takes to grow" - My first sponsor
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby tomsteve » Wed Aug 02, 2017 12:46 pm

Boiledowl wrote:Just lost a long reply duebto my giant
uncoordinated fingers. Short version, yes I've
inventoried the fears, followed book directions
yadda yadda yadda. Not outgrowing these fears
as quickly as I'd like. And that's on me.

I'd like to thank everyone again. You guys are great.


have you made amends to the individuals?
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Brock » Wed Aug 02, 2017 2:59 pm

Since I first saw this a couple of hours ago it's been on my mind, I can't figure how amends can help in a situation like this, and am afraid I may be missing something. The way I see it, if some fellows in the group are harassing my girl, and I develop a resentment over it, why would I be making amends to them. I thought amends was made to people we hurt or harm, not people who in a roundabout manner harm us.

We discussed this sort of thing some time ago, I remember someone saying his amends would have to be “I’m sorry my face got in the way of your fist,” after being punched by someone.
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Re: Consumed by resentments...out of the rooms

Postby Boiledowl » Thu Aug 03, 2017 3:40 am

I am having a hard time seeing where I owe an amends.
To clarify, once this started happening, I left
Alcoholics Anonymous. No confrontations,
verbal or otherwise. I just vanished from the
rooms. I'll take a closer look I guess.
"You ain't gonna learn what you don't wanna know" - Grateful Dead
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