Deplorables

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Deplorables

Postby michmjon » Thu Jan 19, 2017 10:27 am

Yeah- the title of this post is a fairly popular term these days. Anyway...

I attend morning meetings at the local Alano Club. The group is pretty small, usually 10-15 people and mostly older men and a few women. There's the usual joking around before and during the meetings and it's usually pretty innocent but more often than not there is only one way to describe some of the utterances I hear coming out of the mouths of the gentlemen in the group- Deplorable. Sexist and misogynist comments- many times directed at the younger women in the group. This morning took the cake- one of the younger women, in her early 20's sent to the group on a nudge from the judge, walked in the door and one of the older members grabbed in crotch, gave it a shake, and said "Well, hello sweet thing!" - followed by "You know I'm just kidding around."

The worst is when these men start talking about their exes- I've heard comments such as "the Expletive," "the slut" and the "money-grabbing whore." One gentleman in particular is very vocal about his ex, constantly talking her down for kicking him out of the house and calling her some very nasty things which I will not mention in this post.

Comments made to women in the meeting are always followed by "you know I'm kidding" or "you know I'm just a big flirt" but some of those comments- OH. MY. GOD. Who would look at a woman and make a comment about the size of her breasts or her "amazing booty" right to her face in front of other people?

Then there's some outright bigoted comments directed at Blacks. Our community has a large Black population and there are some Blacks attending our meetings. But when they are not there.. Geez. Oh the things I have heard. I am a Gay man, and this is common knowledge in the group I normally attend. Twice I have heard the word "faggot" muttered in my direction. And sexist, bigoted comments have been directed at me too- as usual followed by "just kidding."

And yes, I speak up when I hear such things- both the sexist and racist comments. Usually a poison eye and frown directed at the guilty party followed by "That's just plain disgusting." And what do they do? Laugh and shrug it off saying "You know I don't really mean it."

I live in a pretty depressed town. Lots of empty factories and boarded up houses. Most of the men who attend the meeting are older, white gentlemen with very little education who are either on disability or public subsidy. So, in a way, they do have an axe to grind. Life has not treated them well- but still. No excuse for such behavior as far as I am concerned. I have also found that this behavior is not endemic to just this group. I've witnessed it in the afternoon and evening meetings too. I also have attended meetings held once a week in a nearby Catholic church and I have witnessed the same in those meetings as well.

Sorry for the rant- I just had to get this off my chest.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby Noels » Thu Jan 19, 2017 10:54 am

Hi Michmjon nice to hear from you again. Boy oh boy you have interesting posts! Pfew! If I was you I would move :shock: ( :D just kidding :D )

No, serious now - I wouldn't worry too much about the old geezers' foul mouths. Us ladies have a way of weighing up the words vs what we see in front of us and the mouth that uttered it. I say "ladies" as not all female are "ladies". There are possibly some of those who enjoy the attention :?: Different strokes for different folk I guess. The ones who don't enjoy the remarks will either speak up or accidentally spill some coffee where it hurts (one of the older members grabbed in crotch). :mrgreen:

Good for you to speak up. Remain true to yourself.

Thanks for the post :D

Mwah xxx Noels
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Re: Deplorables

Postby PaigeB » Thu Jan 19, 2017 11:10 am

Stuff that happens in the Clubs is often non-AA related and as such I am moving this to our Forum "if it doesn't fit anywhere else".

That being said here is my response...
one of the older members grabbed in crotch, gave it a shake, and said "Well, hello sweet thing!" - followed by "You know I'm just kidding around."

A crime has occurred and one ought to report it to the police as such, or at least to the Club and the Club Board Members. Whether the member grabbed the body of another person (sexual assault) or himself (sexual harassment), it is not acceptable in any form in any place in the United States. I cannot speak for laws outside the States, but I think I would have been in jail if I had been standing there... being unable to keep my hands to myself and connecting with a right hook - surely the old boy would make no mistake that MY contact with his body was no joke and a crime in deed.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby Brock » Thu Jan 19, 2017 12:51 pm

A year or two ago we had a thread here about cussing in meetings, the person who started it got a bit annoyed with a few of us who felt cussing demonstrated a lack of class, she said she enjoyed meetings with 'biker types' who cussed a lot, but that some of the members at her meeting were trying to get them to be more respectful. Many of us agreed that an accident like our coffee spilling could lead to an F word, but beyond that cussing was to be discouraged. Similar deal here, men with class don't do what these fools are doing.
Most of the men who attend the meeting are older, white gentlemen with very little education...

I have met people with little education who had lots of class, and some with lots of education who had none. But overwhelmingly the odds are those with the education had the class, their jobs and general status in life, led to working living and playing among those of similar social standing, so it was easy and normal to act in a respectful classy way. While those without the education who lived in depressed areas, and who still displayed class were the greatest heroes, because they have to continually rise above their surroundings and social situations.
Then there's some outright bigoted comments directed at Blacks.

When I come to the US and say I am from the Caribbean most do not believe me, it has happened many times. Because everybody thinks Caribbean people are black, not white with blue eyes. I have to explain that just like in the US white people settled and then bought in slaves, and my family always married white. Things are changing and both of my brothers married beautiful Indian ladies, and have the greatest “born with a tan” children and grandchildren. Sorry I went off on a tangent there, the point I was going to make is that often black people make rude comments to me if I go into 'their area,' but I have come to know some who are the finest friends anyone could wish to have. It boils down to those who feel life has given them a bad deal, probably due to their own laziness, like to make bigoted comments about everybody else.

Your living in such an area, but still rising above the backward thinking speaks volumes, well done.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby Noels » Thu Jan 19, 2017 1:32 pm

being unable to keep my hands to myself and connecting with a right hook

:D Paige :D oh no, now this image is going to be in my mind for at least an hour! :D

men with class don't do what these fools are doing.

Exactly. That's why it wouldn't bother me and I will definitely not allow myself to be tricked into lowering my standard by responding in a similar manner. I simply wont go back to that meeting. We also need to take into account I live in a pretty depressed town. Lots of empty factories and boarded up houses. Most of the men who attend the meeting are older, white gentlemen with very little education who are either on disability or public subsidy. which kinda says it all. Perhaps they've never been taught or shown the more decent way so bless their disgusting behaviour :D

Off to make my last cuppa then off to bed. Hopefully the caffeine will remove the image of Paige manhandling the handling man :lol:

Nite nite, mwah xxx
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Re: Deplorables

Postby tomsteve » Fri Jan 20, 2017 7:48 am

I found a simple solution when I found a meeting with dry drunks:
I found another meeting.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby clouds » Fri Jan 20, 2017 7:53 am

I've been to some rough AA meetings in very rough parts of large cities in america, canada and europe.
Things must be getting far worse in recent years. I've sat next to self admitted murderers, jail birds, theives, wife beaters, and sex offenders. I've never seen in AA or club houses what's been posted here though. I've myself have done my share of drinking in unsavoury places with some of the worst of people and gotten myself in some ridiculous jams drunk, and even sober I've been stupid at times and ventured among the 'deplorables'.

I sure would vote with my feet and not attend that meeting again if it were me that had seen what you describe. What you describe is very bad behavior. Unfortunately, at my age throwing a punch would hurt me more than my target! :lol: Not that I wouldn't like to do so.

Do you plan on returning to attendance at the group?
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Re: Deplorables

Postby RosieF » Sat Jan 21, 2017 3:29 pm

The chairperson needs to deal with it.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby D'oh » Sat Jan 21, 2017 4:48 pm

I found a simple solution when I found a meeting with dry drunks:
I found another meeting.

I will second this.

The only person I can control is myself. (with help of course). Besides "Sticks and Stones" hurt, the rest of it is only as important as where it comes from.

Doesn't the book say to Pray for those we resent? For 2 weeks, starting with their Nick Names.
Last edited by D'oh on Sun Jan 22, 2017 10:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby Spirit Flower » Sat Jan 21, 2017 4:54 pm

Prey
I think you meant pray.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby Brock » Sun Jan 22, 2017 3:33 am

I found a simple solution when I found a meeting with dry drunks:
I found another meeting.

Good advise but he tried that already, it's a problem in the area where he lives, michmjon said -
I have also found that this behavior is not endemic to just this group. I've witnessed it in the afternoon and evening meetings too. I also have attended meetings held once a week in a nearby Catholic church and I have witnessed the same in those meetings as well.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby Noels » Sun Jan 22, 2017 3:47 am

Heya Brock :D was just thinking about you :D and yes, you're quite right. Mich has said in previous posts also that there are not many meetings where he is.

So having considered all the options I again conclude that In a situation like this I would just stay true to myself and not allow their bad behavior to change who I am. My mind's also telling me that if the men in the area are so hectic then possibly the same goes for many of the women - I could be wrong but that's the angle I would approach this situation from if I was Mich. Bad behavior is found everywhere. The more important question is what we do about it and how we allow it to affect or not to affect us so once I again I congratulate Mich for being true to himself. I think he's handling it perfectly.

Have a Super Special Sunday :D
mwah xxx Noels
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Re: Deplorables

Postby D'oh » Sun Jan 22, 2017 10:52 am

I think you meant pray.


Thanks for catching that.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby tomsteve » Sun Jan 22, 2017 12:09 pm

Brock wrote:
I found a simple solution when I found a meeting with dry drunks:
I found another meeting.

Good advise but he tried that already, it's a problem in the area where he lives, michmjon said -
I have also found that this behavior is not endemic to just this group. I've witnessed it in the afternoon and evening meetings too. I also have attended meetings held once a week in a nearby Catholic church and I have witnessed the same in those meetings as well.

well, if those are the only 2 meeting locations, then id agree.
but no reason other meetings cant be looked into.
I had 1 meeting location in the town I got sober in- 4 meetings/week.
after that I had at least a 52 mile round trip.
any lengths for victory over alcohol.
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Re: Deplorables

Postby Layne » Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:19 pm

Many times I learn in spite of my teachers. Many times the teachers are confused as to the lesson plan, but the lesson is still there. Perhaps my higher power presents me with teachers of this type, because it is his his will that I am there to help the teachers to see the light.

I mainly just try to figure out what the lesson being taught actually is, because many times my mind will get detoured by judgements or inventories and miss the intended mark.
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