Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

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emeraldg
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Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by emeraldg » Tue May 31, 2016 5:12 am

Hello there,

It has been a while since I have posted here. Hope you are all doing well!
I have a question about my home group please and thank you. It is a small group with even fewer of us women. There is a woman who recently joined our group with 6 months sobriety. She can't even commit to coming every week because she says her work schedule is on a varied/on call basis, but comes whenever she can. Whenever we have our business meetings, which she often can't attend, she won't even sign up to chair any of our meetings so it's left to other members of our group to do it. She says she doesn't feel ready, has a lot on her plate right now, and feels it would be unfair to the rest of the group to commit to things she can't follow through with based on her work schedule. We told her she can sign up to chair and if she has to end up working can call someone else to take over. She then says she doesn't feel that's fair to the group, and for her defeats the purpose of signing up in the first place.

I have also been gently pressuring her to take on the secretary job next year for our group. Again she said at this time in her life she was unable to commit to that or do a good job of it. I told her there is hardly anyone in the group who can do it and that if she had to work last minute she could call me and I'd take over the job for that week. Again she said no, but rather firmly. I told her it was the same people doing the same jobs every week and that she could help out. She then said maybe we should do more to promote others into our group who are interested in these jobs. She offered to bring food each week she comes, to help set up, to collect the 7th, to chat at the door and to do non-slogan readings and that is basically it. I don't want to scare her off and make her leave the group, but I feel she is not helping out much. I understand she has major life and health issues that I do not have, but I don't think that's an excuse, and I'm wondering if it is just me in the group that is starting to get annoyed with her.

Am I way off base here? How should I handle this? Should it be gently suggested she join another group?

Thank you all so very much.

Tom S
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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by Tom S » Tue May 31, 2016 5:56 am

...maybe a great subject to pray on, to meditate about and to discuss with one's sponsor...

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avaneesh912
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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by avaneesh912 » Tue May 31, 2016 6:23 am

This program is to help us go inwards. Inside right, outside looks better. I notice, all your posts are about what others are doing. Ever thought of what you are doing for the group? Perhaps setting a good example may draw more people to volunteer.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

emeraldg
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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by emeraldg » Tue May 31, 2016 6:36 am

avaneesh912 wrote:This program is to help us go inwards. Inside right, outside looks better. I notice, all your posts are about what others are doing. Ever thought of what you are doing for the group? Perhaps setting a good example may draw more people to volunteer.
Well, I have taken over as treasurer and need a secretary. I also do not chair any meetings at all anymore, but I have legitimate health reasons for that. I don't think she does.

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avaneesh912
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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by avaneesh912 » Tue May 31, 2016 9:47 am

I don't think she does.
And we decide for somebody what they should do? Aren't you playing the director role? Revisit the 3rd step proposition, you will get some peace.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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PaigeB
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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by PaigeB » Tue May 31, 2016 10:35 am

the secretary job next year for our group
Maybe it is not yet time to stress out about next year... it is still a whole 6 months away. A LOT changes in 6 months.
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

Noels

Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by Noels » Tue May 31, 2016 11:12 am

Hi Emerald welcome back. Eish girl. Same way of thinking and behaving is not going to produce different results. Leave the girl alone. Let her do what she said she could and is ready to do. That is plenty service and getting involved for 1 person already.
Noels xxx

Reborn
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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by Reborn » Wed Jun 01, 2016 10:31 am

page 60-61

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

Avaneesh suggested looking at the above...and there is more to it. Pressuring people to do service work and then getting pissed because they decline is selfish and self-centered behavior. Time to look inward and stop worrying so much about what others are doing.
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132

Lali
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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by Lali » Sat Jun 04, 2016 9:03 am

I agree with those who say not to pressure this woman.

She has offered to do several things:
emeraldg wrote:She offered to bring food each week she comes, to help set up, to collect the 7th, to chat at the door and to do non-slogan readings and that is basically it.
so just leave it at that.
emeraldg wrote:Should it be gently suggested she join another group?
Absolutely NOT!! Other than a person who has done bodily harm to another member or has threatened bodily harm, no one has the right to ask a person to leave a group. She deserves her seat in the room just as much as you or anyone else.
emeraldg wrote:...and I'm wondering if it is just me in the group that is starting to get annoyed with her.
Could be. If others felt that way, I would think it would have come up in a business meeting.

I say let it go. If you allow yourself to get a resentment over this, you are putting your sobriety at risk. Is it worth it?

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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by Patsy© » Sun Jun 05, 2016 12:59 pm

emeraldg wrote:
She offered to bring food each week she comes, to help set up, to collect the 7th, to chat at the door and to do non-slogan readings and that is basically it.


emeraldg wrote:
Should it be gently suggested she join another group?



emeraldg wrote:
...and I'm wondering if it is just me in the group that is starting to get annoyed with her.

Hi emeraldg, I would suggest that you take the focus off this woman and what she is doing and not doing, and put the focus on the only thing you can do anything about.....you, your own program and your own Control Issues that have no been addressed at all.
Failed 12 Step Call? Not if we walk away sober!

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tyg
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Re: Young lady 6 months sober not helping at home group

Post by tyg » Sun Jun 05, 2016 5:33 pm

Suggesting that a person leave a group is acting against the 3 Legacies of this program. AA doesn't require us to do anything and it's not the responsibility of members to determine or judge someones motives & actions.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~

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